My future partner

The perfect wife for me may just be around the corner. Should be the source of happiness and not misery (including bad revelations). Share same beliefs and principles (who also want to get married and have kids in the future; loyal and faithful whatever happens). A wife who has better intentions (help me live a frugal life, encourage me get into business, support me, and not make me go bankrupt).

I may be asking a lot. But why not? I deserve one. 😊 And I fully know that it's possible as there's no impossible with God. Trust Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways, I acknowledge Him and He will make my path straight.

Amen!

Thoughts about romantic relationship

Sometimes, I'm having nightmares when I'm still awake. I can imagine how they meet, start every meeting, and during the meeting. They not only did it once, they did it multiple times. They had sex many times that even チャ was unable to give me a number.

Because of this revelation, it made me think not twice but thrice, four times, or even five times about considering courting my ex again. Now, it's better my mind leads on than my heart. The latter used to lead on and see where it took me - full of heartaches and bad decisions.

It's really difficult to trust again, especially for a person like me. Instead of waiting for two years only, and there's around 1.5 years left, I am considering reseting back to 2 years or more.

2020, another year for me to take new chances. I will now be open this year for new possibilities. For me, it's easier to be in a new relationship with a new person than getting back and starting over with an ex who was unfaithful for years. I'm not talking about simple act of cheating that they saw each other but had "sex" lots of times! And they did it casually like it was a normal thing. It's the worst for me as I see sex as a highest form of intimacy and a holy act of love that you should not perform casually with just anyone you are not in a relationship or commitment with. Because of this belief, I can tell that only God can make me re-consider チャ again as my partner/girlfriend. But if it's just me, I will not again. But will re-consider if there's closure (which I'm afraid チャ is not yet ready for).

——

God, thank you as you are always there, protecting me from committing bad decisions in life. You really are keeping me away from people who you think will only hurt me. Please continuing keeping me safe always. I love you and thank you God.

In Jesus name, amen!

Get lost stresses!!! 😎

I gotta go to the gym! But not right now. Haha! I'd rather sleep than go out. 😆 Tomorrow I'll go to the gym and on Sunday. 😁

At a time like this, I don't wanna think anymore. I don't wanna talk nor prove myself to anyone. Don't fucking care! 😎 I'll just do what makes me happy as long as I'm not hurting anyone.

When things not really go according to your plan, it's a stress. Haha. But I should remember "I don't give a fuck!" Accept them as they are and move on. Make peace with your past then move forward.

Preparing for visa stresses me.
The incorrect booking stresses me.
The minimal mistake in Bank Cert stresses me.
The bill I was not able to pay earlier stresses me.
Revelations I've found out but with hanging answers are "what you call that."
In the end, I should be like "Who cares? Yolo! Don't fucking care~!!!"

My goals for 2020:
Hit the gym.
Get fit.
Build muscles.
Forget チャ.
Start dating new again.
Buy own house and lot.
Be happy!

So help me God.

No to condo, just yet

I think, pass na ko sa pagbili this year. Baka pag binili ko yan at magkasama kami ni チャ, bitbitin nya dyan si J at mag sex sila na mag sex. Hahaha!

Tsaka, nagbago na isip ko, hindi na ko magppropose kay チャ. 🙂

My God really save me from further devastation and bankruptcy. Unahin ko muna yung other plans ko, yung para sa sarili ko lang. 😉

Thank you God

Alam mo yung, andun kana.. napatawad mo na, malapit kana ma fall in love again sa kanya.. tapos may revelations kang malalaman. Yes, it's in the past. Pero mas okay sana may closure. At sabihin nya yung truth lalo na kung matagal ng tapos.

Then sabi nya, hindi na raw sila nag coconnect nung J. Tapos I found it now, sya pala yung お母さん sa Contacts. Haha. You are really a fool Rove!

God, I think, you really don't want me to get back to チャ. Self-respect Rove. You cannot trust a person who cannot be honest with himself. You cannot respect a person who cannot even respect himself.

Repeated mistake is not a mistake anymore but a choice.

Thank you God for always saving me. I really deserve a Godly woman. I really do. I should continue cleaning myself and preparing myself. The best is yet to come. I declare this 2020 that I will have an awesome year! Free from heartaches, free from dishonesty, free from evil, etc!

I love you God more than anyone. Please keep me calm and respectable always.

I pray all these things. In the Mighty name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen!

Liberation from sleep

Sometimes, I thought of asking チャ to be my girlfriend again. But for an instant, my mind changes and it disagrees.

For four years I served her well as my queen, but she cheated on me for two years (found out after 4 months we broke up). I've given everything - my time, my respect, my understanding, my support in all aspects even financially - not leaving something for myself. Thought that she'll be the woman I was gonna marry. Treated her well more than I treated my mom and sisters. Fought for her many times thought that it'll gonna be my last chance - now or never. Forgiven her after she had sex with someone else while we're still in a relationship. Believed in her goodness and thought she committed mistakes unintentionally.

But one day, I just woke up from the truth. That I was so stupid for so long - believing that she's a well-respected and honest person. I got it all wrong. I think God snapped a finger and told me, "You were believing wrong. You were deceived. Wake up Rove! She's not the woman you deserve."

Now, I always put my family first - esp my mom and sisters - more than any human beings here. I don't wanna spend more money anymore except for myself and for my family. If ever I'll get married someday, there got to be a pre-nup. This way, I can protect myself and my family. Self-respect is now one of my priorities.

I should not be stupid anymore when it comes to love. "It's better to wait than to marry wrong." I will just wait for the woman God is preparing for me.

——

God, I know that everything happens for a reason. Those reasons maybe too difficult for a human being to comprehend. Nevertheless, I just have to put my trust to you 100%. That whatever happens, I know you are putting me to a good place. For I know the plans you have for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me future.

Let Your will thy be done.

I pray all these things in mighty name of my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Amen!

Unique way of proposing

Saw this in my Feed. I don't know but I will say this when God tells me "That's your future spouse. Go get her." 😆

Dream woman

Do you think I should start dating again? It's 2020.

Naka-move on narin ako sa past relationship ko. It's been 9 months narin. And I deserve someone's better. Someone who is loyal, faithful, mature, independent, consistent, and can help me grow as a person. Yung hindi ako magiging broke every time kasama ko sya. Means, masinop at smart sa finances. Someone who chooses to be frugal para we can achieve our dreams like creating new business, buying a property, etc.

Para naman next Christmas, may ka-date na ko. 😆 Or someone to watch fireworks with. ☺️ Ayieeee! 😆 Hindi na dapat ako broke nun para we can celebrate NYE, maybe sa Singapore. 😉

Tanda ko narin no. 30 na ko next year. Hahaha!

But in the end, God decides everything. I just need to lay all upon Him and trust Him. Love can wait. The perfect woman of my life will arrive in His perfect time. ☺️ Please protect her God, wherever she is. Please prepare us both for your greater glory. And when the time has come, I will know it's her.

I love you and thank you for everything, God. In Jesus name, amen!

Have a merry Christmas!

The year is about to end. And I've been single since March 23, 2019. I think it's time for me to get into a new relationship.

God, this year 2020, I am praying that I will finally meet my future wife. What I only desire is a loyal, faithful, smart, and independent woman whom I will be proud of and who'll be proud of me.

——

チャ is only a little sister to me. When I first met her, I was shocked that her mom has affair with a different man and had affairs too in the past like a normal thing. I thought, maybe チャ was different. But when I found the truth early this year, for the four years we've been dating, she was already cheating on me for two years. Then I thought, she's no different with her mom. (On the other side, hopefully her mom won't get AIDS by sleeping with different men.🙁)

I forgave チャ but we're already done. I can easily forgive but I cannot easily forget. It was a lesson learned to me. "Hindi dapat ginagawang mundo ang tao lang." And lesson learned is crucial for PMs like me.

Since I found the truth and until now, I still don't want her to be my girlfriend nor future wife. I love her, yes, but only as a family and a friend. I still don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. This is why I am not serving her nor supporting her 100% financially like I used to. That's why I still don't call her "Ney" like I used to. That's why I am not transparent with things that you should only share with your future spouse. She still need two years to prove to me that she is a changed person. But looking at things, she still has lots of things to learn. And I know we are both not waiting for each other. I am waiting for God to introduce me to my future partner in life.

——

This year 2020, I will invest and buy my own properties without the knowledge of anyone. I will meet my future partner and get married in 2-3 years. But before getting married, there should be a pre-nup. All money and properties belong to own name will not be shared to spouse. I don't want to get married just because of thy wealth.

And would be nice to have in-laws whom I'll be proud of. My mom already had bad experience with in-laws. I don't want her to experience that again.

——

Anyhow, I hope and I pray that year 2020 will be an exciting year for me and to my family. Thank you God for year 2019 - I've experienced the worst and the best. 😊

In Jesus name, amen!

Christmas break sickness

Getting sick during Christmas break sucks. I can't even start doing what I need to do.

Flu + dysmenorrhea = worst combination

Neozep and Bioflu do not take effect anymore. This is why flu is the worst for me. Even pain reliever doesn't stop my cramps and backache for the first two days of my period. I have to deal my dysmenorrhea every month forever. 😢

It's like, getting sick is the worst. And not to feel pain anymore, better to end life itself. But no, there's always rainbow and butterflies every after rain.

Maybe I pushed myself too hard for the last few weeks. The stress and everything suddenly manifest itself when break comes.

I think it's getting normal. Getting sick every Christmas break.

——

"We come to this world alone, naked. And we'll die alone, naked."

Time is nothing without consistency

You don't have to know what's up with me, what I go through, or what difficulties I went through the day. It's not like I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you for you to know the details of my every day. It's not like I'm planning my future with you. Well, I used to. Not until I've learned that you were just fooling me for half of the time we're in a relationship. And I've learned how stupid I was for not noticing - for not noticing the signs and not taking heed some of my friends' advice.

Now, every mistake you make is very vulnerable to making me think, "you are still the same". Each day you impress me with your maturity is one step farther to what you had become. But with just one mistake, what you've build so far crumble back to square one. Why? It's even not yet a year since I told you, "I need 2 years to prove you have changed".

I cannot still remove the possibility of you getting back together with your ex-affair. Why? You had overcome all the possibilities in the past, so it's not impossible for you to go back to the way you had. 😏 "People are complicated." They might be loyal to you now, but the next day, they are spending their night with someone else. And I'm even not close to not remembering of the instances you cheated. They are like small memories or small realizations that pop out of my mind out of nowhere unexpectedly. And this is why I need 2 years, but it's just not 2 years. I want to have a consistent clean track for 2 years - that maturity continually shows. But I know it's difficult for you especially if it's unnatural to you. But don't worry, it's also difficult for me - to trust again 100%.

Hope you've learned that "words should be consistent with actions". Maturity doesn't not come overnight, you have to work on it and be consistent about it.

God bless us all.

Rove deserve more

You know what, I will not entrust myself to you again.

Do you want me to entrust Rove to you again? Prove it. In 2 years, prove that you are a change person. Then let's see after 2 years. Consistency is the key.

Trust Him 101%

Yo!

I've been looking for potential gift since last month for your mom. I don't really need an occasion to give her one. But another side of me was saying, "Be careful. Don't invest too much." "You might give her a beautiful gift and a little bit expensive, then she'll reconnect with her ex-affair again." Etc etc.. it's like, "Don't invest full-blown yet to the person that you are not yet 100% sure." 😞 As I said, I am more cautious now. I don't want to get hurt or hurt myself from the choices I've been doing.

I just need to trust my God. He'll give the woman of my life who will I marry in the future. 😊

Amen!

Mature relationship FTW

For the 4 years relationship we had, 2 years we genuinely loved each other. The latter 2 years, your love was a lie. You were a cheater and a liar. You've been cheating on me for 2 years already.

With that said, I also need 2 years to prove that you have changed - become mature, consistent, loyal, and faithful. If you cannot do that, you better find someone else. Because I will never sign-up myself to any of your games anymore. I'm way passed that and already tired of it. I deserve a mature woman and a respectable wife in the future - not some little sister I will take care of. 😋

I dreamt of you

Now if I'm going to think of it over again... I might need to get myself a girlfriend again. Not just any girlfriend, but a mature woman who can inspire me, support me, and push me beyond my limits. And she should be a woman I'm going to marry with in the future. I don't want to be in a relationship again wherein it feels like I'm taking care of a little sister.

When I'm finally comfortable with my new work and studies, I will consider going back to dating processes again. 😋 She must have already waited too long for me. 😆

Whats up Rove

Yo! Long time no entry! 😆

There were lot of things had happened. I was supposed to send one entry yesterday but I chose to sleep. 😅

My PM role has just started. I now have two lanes and I'm pretty sure it will grow. At the very start of the project, I already encountered a resource problem. Waha! Nice!

My Assoc. PM role in another program is also difficult because of difficult stakeholders. 😞 And I also understand clearly that they all had a bad start.

My role with PE, not sure what else to be left. Haha.

Non-work related, my Masters. Thank God it's not stress dragging. Haha.. Just have to bear with it and make the most of it. I got to learn a lot and I should get something in return.

My fitness... I didn't went to gym this week. 😭 And I only had once last week. I miss working my ass off in the gym. Weight lifting is my stress-reliever. To be able to carry heavier weights, I will just imagine the people who bring me stress and they become my inspirations - that doesn't exclude my ex, チャ. 😜 She was one of my inspirations why I always pushed my self more. "Cheater like you, don't deserve great people like me!" Then "Arghhh" while lifting the bars. 😁😆

Lovelife? Na-ah. She's still not consistent. Words are not perfectly in sync with actions. But I can see some efforts. Little by little, I can see some maturity. Hopefully, it will continue. But just like what I said, I need 1-2 years to prove that she has changed - no longer a cheater nor liar. It's still too early to decide that she's now a changed person - faithful and loyal.

Nevertheless, I'm still single. 😁 I just need to continue developing myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially - then whoops! Great woman will come to me. 😋 Haha!

Thank you God for everything! Love you!

Sent from my iPhone

Rejection is a gift

I just realized, being rejected is not a bad thing. It means, saving you from further pain and getting lost. That's why I should be thankful for all rejections I experience. 😄

Thank you God. ☺️

——

10/19 10:30PM

I just realized, it’s also a good thing since I still cannot stand her getting busy in her phone when it’s just the two of us. But when she’s with other people, may or may not including me, she seldom hold her phone. People who are busy chatting online are greatly influence by social media. All the emotions and mood for the day depend on it, which I don’t want to be with for the rest of my life. I prefer to be with someone who can disconnect; and has respect and contented with our companionship. Most of the times, only mature people can do it - means, same era as mine. We’ve grown up without the technology. So we can live without it. 😉

At the age of looking a partner

Napagiiwanan na ata ko ng panahon. Haha! Mga online friends ko, may mga lovelife na. 😅 They have the same age as mine.

Gusto ko lang naman faithful, loyal, consistent, and mature partner. I don't particularly look sa external. Minsan nga, mas attracted ako sa chubby kesa sa thin.

Gusto na kita makilala at ligawan... para we have more years to get to know each other. At hopefully, at the age of 34, mag propose na ko sayo. And get married with you at the age of 35.

Sabi nga nila, wala naman sa tagal nang pagsasama ang mga kinakasal. Kaya kahit 2 years of dating, magppropose na ko sayo. Kaya okay lang siguro mameet kita when I reach the age of 32. Siguro naman, may own house na ko nun. Sa ngayon, tapusin ko muna Masters ko. Then magpapayaman ako. Para pag nagpropose ako sayo, wala kana iisiping financials. I'll be as reliable than you think and you can lean on me. 😊

See you soon my future wife~ I wanna call you Hon. 😁😋

——

2:02AM
Let’s avoid going back to the time you devoted yourself following チャ’s favors all the time. She’s not your girlfriend, remember? She’s not your queen. She’s just a best friend and a family. You don’t need to serve her. Be available until you find your true queen.

With all the pain and pride, I risked asking チャ a question. And as expected, the answer is still “no”. I respect her decision. Then this is why I promised her that I will never ask her again if I can court her. I promised to her that I will not romantically fall for her anymore. This is what she likes and I have my word. I will remember it as long as my memory won’t fail me. And where’s my pride? I thought I’ve learned my lesson? *whew*

Improve yourself, R. Continue beautifying yourself - inside and out. There are more better fishes in the sea. And the most beautiful one will soon find its way to you. Be patient. God is preparing you and her.

-R

Sign of Aging

Haha! Kaya ayaw ko masyado nagsasaya sa birthday ko eh. Kasi for sure, iiyak na naman ako pagkatapos. -_-" XD

Yan na nga eh. Haha! Hindi na ko nadala. 

Kailangan ko na iwasan yung pag eenjoy masyado. Hindi na ko pede umiyak pa. My chest is literally in pain na when I'm sad. And my hands are shakey and namamanhid. -_- Signs of aging. Hahaha!

I better shut off myself from everyone.

Love life

Buti pa yung mga pusa, may unli food. 😂 Ako till now, wala makain. 😆

Ba't ang complicated ng tao? Kaya gustung gusto ko maging introvert at magkulong lang sa kwarto nung bata eh. Ang complicated ng human being. It's difficult to deal with them - too many dramas. 😒

My depression? I pupush-up ko nalang to. Then move along...hanggang sa mapagod na mag-adulting. 😆 Anyway, if you're going to look at it, boring naman talaga ang maging tao. Paikot ikot lang. Nakakasawa. 😏

Bahay-office. Bahay-school. (Repeat) what I will do hanggang sa totally na mapagod and end everything. Haha! Swerte ng iba, hindi na maghihirap pa kakaisip pano mabuhay. They're quiet and happy na sa place nila. Darating din ako dun! Hahaha!

Sent from my iPhone

Remember me~

Haay.. Nakapag move on na ko. Pero the way she treats me ay parang kami, she's making me fall in love with her again. I don't want to fall in love with her again - ever. Sabihin mo ng "di makamove on?" Pero I should have learned my lesson.

Remember, you've been cheated and lied many times by the same person already. At ayaw mo ng maulit ulit yun. Tama na ang pagpapakatanga. Hindi lang sya ang nagiisang babae sa mundo. Mas marami pa dyang mas maganda, loyal, faithful, consistent, and wifey-material. You deserve someone great Rove. Never settle to things that are far less. Always remember that.

Hindi naman magbabago yung fact na she's your family and best friend. Yan naman yung di mawawala sa inyo. Pero her to be your future wife? Marami pa syang kailangan patunayan sayo na she's a changed person. It will take years. But hindi mo sya kailangan antayin Rove. At di ka nya kailangan antayin. One day, when your The One arrive, grab her fast. ☺️

So help us God. Amen!

Happy birthday to Cha and me. 😊

Many chances have given...

For all the lies, cheating you've done..I've forgiven you already. But it doesn't mean that I will forget everything. These lessons are my reminder not to fall in love with you again. I no longer see you as my future partner nor wife. I've already moved on.

I know that someday, you'll get mature and can change for the better. When that day comes, you will meet the only person who you will think, "I will be loyal and faithful to this person whatever happens. It's time to get serious as I don't want to lose this person." Then I will be happy and proud of you as your family and best friend. 😊

But for now, my take is, I don't like nor want you to be my girlfriend nor romantic partner again. I see highly of myself and I know my worth. I will not give myself to someone who is far less than me. Someone who frequently tell lies and chose to commit mistakes over and over again. It's better to be alone than to involve myself with monkeys. 😋

I love you my little sister and my best friend. God bless you.

Swerte.. where are thou?

Napagiiwanan na ko. 😆 Mga friends ko na nameet ko online ay kung hindi may jowa na ngayon, exclusively dating na. 😅 We started as singles then I'm the only one ended single still.

Choosy ba ko masyado? Di naman. 😋

Search lang. And wait. And be open minded for any possibilities. -- Ito naman ginagawa ko ah. Haha! Baka nga wala dito sa Pinas yung future wife ko.

Basta alam ko, i-grab ko nalang lahat ng opportunities. Maybe because I'm in a debt pa. Nababaon ako sa CC debt dahil I am still sticking with チャ. Hindi naman kami ah. Bakit pinag gagastusan ko parin sya? She's not even my gf nor my queen. Maybe because, I should contribute here since I am staying here. Mas nakakatipid ba talaga ako na andito ako compared nasa bahay ako? Transpo, yes. But food and pet supplies, and other adhoc, nope.

Anyway, need ko i-redirect expenses ko to other things - na mas makabuluhan at beneficial sakin. My education, my travels, or my lovelife. 😁

Baka kailangan ko na magka-lovelife ulit para naman swertihin ako sa career or makakuha ng new work..? Hahaha!

God, ang ilap sakin ng swerte. Wala na nga lovelife, negative pa financials. 😅 Hanap ko lang naman po ay loyal, faithful, and consistent future wife at mas mataas na source of income. 😢

God, please help me. I lay everything back to you - my plans, my heart's desires, and my life. In Jesus name, amen!

Rewards are given to those who wait

But despite all these, at the end of the day, I still remain a loyal and faithful best friend.

Why why why? Waeyo?! 🤨

That if I'm going to cross a path between choosing a newly-found-friend-possible-turn-to-a-lover and チャ, I'm still going to choose チャ.

Why why why?! 😳

I also don't know! Maybe what we had was more than a romantic partner/lover and a best friend.

A soulmate? 😏

Maybe! But all I know, I still don't want to get involve sexually with anyone - even チャ. Kisses, hugs, and others are okay with チャ, but no sex nor foreplay. No no no. Maybe, I am still not ready to trust チャ romantically again. I don't want to hurry. She still has a lot to prove (change for the better and become mature). And because we don't know, チャ might not be my future wife. Or チャ should end up with someone else. So to make both of us clean before that destined partner/s arrive, we should be in controlled of our mind, our heart, and our body.

"Patience is a virtue."
"Rewards are given to those who wait."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight."

——

I trust you God. All my desires and plans, I raise it all up to you. Guid me Holy Spirit in this life's journey - unto His purpose on my life.

In Jesus name, amen!

Rethink

Whew~

Ba't ba ko nag-eeffort..na parang girlfriend ko sya. 😒 Ganito ginawa ko sa kanya dati, nung kami pa. Todo hanap ng magandang getaway and some surprises para icelebrate birthday nya. To make her happy and smile.

But matagal nang hindi kami, walang kami. So I should treat her like how I treat my other close friends and my family. I don't plan this hard for my family. Just a simple cake and food celebration will do.

Ito yung mga effort na ginagawa mo lang sa special someone mo. Same effort when you do your travel itinerary.

Why am I doing this? Seems like I still got a need to please her. 😕 No no Rove. You don't have to please her anymore. She's a best friend and a family, not your girlfriend nor fiancé. So stop and re-think. 😊 Reserve your efforts, energies, and finances to your future gf/fiancé/wife. 😉

——

God, kelan nyo po ba ipapakilala sakin yung The One ko.. 😞 Kahit friends lang muna. Hindi naman ako nagmamadali. I would like to get to know her for a year or more before I ask her if I can court her.

Girls and Boys 😒

Why do women or I should say, girls like being degraded by boys when they are fighting? When I say degraded, boys throw harsh and mean words unto the girls - may it be in person or in social media. These boys are being disrespectful. Why don't these girls realize that if they are being treated like that in an early stage, how much more when they got married? And worst, girls still coming back to these boys over and over again even though they were disrespected over and over again. Seems like they don't have self-respect. People tend to leave if they see someone is unable to self-love.

What made me say this?
Rhea and Adrian are on it again. For many years, over and over again. No change.
Then I remembered the time Cha and Jake were like that (though Cha said never naging sila, pero looking at how they fought, parang sila).

As for me, I now prefer to say things once. Ayaw ko masira araw ko dahil lang sa pagtatalo ng ibang tao. Bahala kayo. Basta once I said my part, done na ko.

——

For チャ? I cannot still give my romantic love and 100% trust to her. I'm more cautious now. Last night, I know she wanted to release her stress. But I did't take heed 100%. I only let her kissed me and I did until br****s only. I didn't wanna go further. Why? In the first place, hindi kami. She's not my girlfriend. Why should I please her? Second, I respect other people living in her house. And I was thinking that time, "No, she has not proven 100% yet that she has changed or matured." It's still first week of 4th month. Marami pang araw ang Oct para mag reconnect sila ulit ni Jake. And I will not get myself involve ever again to cheaters and liars like them. I don't fucking care if their love will rekindle or what, as long as I put myself away from チャ. Graduate na ko sa kanya. Ika nga nila, "Don't settle to things that's far less than you." You deserve more. She hasn't completely proven it yet anyway. She has to earn my trust.

Basta I will just keep myself single until dumating yung right woman to be wife. 😊 Till then, I just need to improve myself more and more.

——

Dear future wife,

I'm sorry kung offtrack parin ako sa finances ko as of this month. Don't worry, makaka-ahon din ako. Naparami lang gastos ko dahil sa pagtulong sa family. Surprise! I'm still single. 😆 Don't worry, チャ is just a family and best friend. I'm still making myself single till the day we meet each other. At I'll make sure na before that day arrives, ready na financials ko. 😁 Just do whatever you need to do. God will soon make us meet each other. Be patient as I am also patient. 😊 I will patiently wait for you my queen.

Your loyal and faithful knight,
R 😎

Many times that life and fate were trying to save me

I realize, there were so many times na life and fate were trying to save me.

I remember the time before ako lumapit sa psych for my depression, nagalit sakin si Cha. Pununtahan ko sya sa PSBA. Pero umuwi na raw sya sabi ni Trish. Then pumunta ako sa condo nila sa Ortigas. Her mon let me in and I went to their bedroom dahil tulog daw si Cha. I remember na nagmakaawa ako sa kanya. I cried and hugged her kahit nagpupumiglas na sya. She told me na hindi na raw nya ko mahal at may iba na raw sya gusto. I didn't believe her that time kasi iniisip ko na galit lang sya sakin at kailangan ko sya suyuin at ipaglaban. Pero I was wrong. Totoo palang may iba na sya. Sana naniwala ako sa sinabi nya at pumayag nalang ako makipaghiwalay sa kanya nun. If only I know na may 3rd party na pala sya nun at nagccheat na sya sakin, eh di sana, hindi na ko nagpakatanga puntahan sya at ipaglaban.

Close friends already told me na "Enough Rove. Tigilan mo na yang kahibangan mo. You deserve better." Pero di ako nakinig sa kanila, instead, pinaglaban ko si Cha many times, without knowing na may 3rd party na palang involve.

Another time, I remember na bumalik sya ng bahay first week ng Aug 2018. Then I found out sa cellphone nya na may nangyari na pala sa kanila ng kabit nya during our cool off. But what I did? I tried to understand her and kept telling myself that she was just a victim and didn't know what she was doing. It took time before nag sink in sakin lahat since slow ako and I was trying to believe to second chance and goodness of human beings.

Pero I was wrong again. She kept on reconnecting and coming back sa kabit nya. Many chances and understanding were given but no, lahat yun sinayang nya.

Then after four years ng pagpapakatanga, recently, nagising nalang ako (while writing that 2nd letter for her). Ba't ba ko habol ng habol sa kanya? I quit. I told myself, "I deserve better." I deserve a faithful, loyal, consistent, and mature partner. I don't deserve this kind of woman (Cha). I thought, she's better to be with that man - both liar and cheater.

Then told Cha na I am no longer part of the list of people who are dying to be with her. I don't fucking care anymore! I love myself more!

Now, I kept reminding myself that I will not let myself fall in love with Cha again. There are more beautiful - inside and out - women out there. The deserving woman to be my wife is just out there, waiting for me. I deserve better.

Rove deserves better. 😊

What’s up Rove

Instead of fighting my feelings for チャ, I'll just let it flow. But I should not fall hard again - just not yet - not until I'm sure that I'm gonna marry the person. I don't wanna invest my time nor my feelings again, not until I am ready and sure of the person's loyalty and faithfulness. I don't wanna get hurt again because of my blunder decisions. I should cautious now.

Let life and fate do its thing. I will just do my best and invest on myself, nothing more, nothing less. I love myself more than anyone else.

No more place for another mistake in romantic love. 6 digit engagement ring is at stake here - and also my heart and mind. ☺️

We all deserve a loyal and faithful partner. God will provide one to me, soon. 😊 Just have to be patient.

I will just enjoy my single (no commitment) life for now. Then get rich! 😎

——

Reminder to Rove:
"Don't reveal your plans. Just do it. Then show them your success."

“Never again”

True.

I can't fall in love romantically with チャ again. I don't want. She's only a family and a best friend.

No no no. "Never again" (just like how they see Marcos).

I don't wanna risk myself again. Because everytime I start to trust again, there are revelations I get to find out. So it's better not to be in a relationship or commitment with チャ. I don't want to have a future wife who has so many (dark) secrets and lies.

She told me in the past that she only had sex or one-night stand with J. How will I know if she is telling the truth? She even hide the fact that she was still seeing J once every few months. So how to trust the words of a person who repeatedly told lies? 😋

This is why it's better that we're just friends. I deserve an honest, faithful, and consistent partner. 🙂 And I'm already looking for a wife-material, to be my future queen and faithful wife. 😊

In His time

In His time, I'll meet my queen. 😊

Be patient Rove

Haaay. Gusto ko na magka-gf. 😞 God, hanggang kelan nyo po ba ipprepare yung right woman to be my wife... I would like to get married before I reach the age of 35. 😔

Would be nice to meet her this year so that we can have more years to date and get to know each other before I'll propose to her.

Ang dream woman ko lang naman ay God-fearing, honest, faithful, loyal, consistent, hardworking, and independent. Then she will be my precious queen I will serve for the rest of my life.

——

As for Cha? She's my precious sponsored kid. I will support her until she reach her dream of becoming a CPA Lawyer. 🙂 She's like a little sister to me. And I love her as my best friend and family.

Cha to be my future wife? Still na-ah. I no longer find her beautiful in my eyes. All the lies, cheating, unfaithfulness she did in the past are still there. With all the chances I gave, she still chose to continue to break my trust. And I've had enough. 4 years were enough to fight for your love. Anyway, Cha was consistent - consistently lying to me. 😋

——

We all deserve a partner who is loyal, faithful, and consistent. I deserve to meet a woman who will be my future wife.

Be patient Rove. Your time to shine will come. 😁

Adulting sucks!

Bawat tao sa mundo ay may pinagdadaanan.
And this is the reason I don't wanna confide to anyone. I don't wanna tell my stories to people - even the closest ones.
I'd rather keep them all inside and upfront a smiling face.
Adulting sucks!

Why should I live in the first place? To please and help everyone? Na-ah! I should stop helping other people. I should live and cater myself only. No one else!

Anti-social. Let's be like this. I'd rather be my own company than to be with lots of people who are only there when you have something they need.

Let thy be done!

Sometimes, I feel like I want to be in a relationship now. That it feels great to be in love again. Hug and kiss the person you love. Saying goodnights and ILYs. Nakakakilig if you're going to think of it. Sometimes, it feels like I'm a lost knight, wondering around, looking for a queen to serve.

But on the other side, it feels great to be single. Not minding or thinking of anyone. There will be no burden or weight of responsibility. No one to please. No one to say your whereabouts. No one to ask permission. The freedom, it's all yours. You'll only think your own happiness - no sacrifices for that person. it's just you alone. Most of all, you'll never be broke. 😆

——

Conclusion: Let fate and life do its wonders. 🙂

I don't wanna comment anymore about my future nor my love life. Let what should happen be happen. I will just do my stuff as long as I am not hurting anyone. 😊

Early morning digest 😆

(Update 8:49AM) What might make me entrust my love to Cha again? See http://grandia-cool.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-wanna-be-in-love.html?m=1

——

Few hours ago, I did something I shouldn't have done - f***play. It is something you should only do to the person you are committed with. I'm sorry Cha. I'm sorry Rove. I'm sorry God. Last but not the least, I'm sorry to my future woman. 😞

I've learned that you can have sex to anyone without any love or feelings upon them - just pure fun. But this is not me. Also, Cha is my precious sponsor kid. I shouldn't fall to any of her temptations - well I didn't but did it anyway.

I tested her with a question, "tayo naba ulit?" She didn't answer. Part of me was saying, "Please say no". Why? I'm not ready yet to like/love her again romantically. Maybe, I still feel a little bit of hatred upon her and J. I should pray for them and forgive them again (and again and again). "Lord, I commit them unto you. Cha is technically single right now so they can now love each other freely without lying or hurting anybody else. They are your children, please forgive them. Please keep them safe and be on the right path always. Thank you. Amen!" And mostly, I pray for my beloved best friend that she'll grow and be mature in love and relationships. Darating din ang araw na makikilala nya ang katapat nya. Yung taong hahabulin nya and she'll be crazy in love with. At sasabihin nya sa sarili nya, "No. I will not be the same person ever again. I don't want to lose this person kaya magiging stick-to-one na ko at magpapakatino. I will not do the things na ikakagalit nya. I will be devoted sa kanya as long as I live." I believe in Cha, that she can change for the better. 😊 She'll be a beautiful and well-respected woman in the future.

On the other side, I still don't feel any romantic love upon her - just pure concern and love with a family member and a best friend. I can say, that second letter I wrote for her was life changing. Para kong nabunutan ng tinik. I let go of everything and felt at peace. 😊 And masasabi kong, naka-move on na ko. And the only thing that keeps me cautious is "I want and deserve a loyal and faithful partner, not a player nor a user." I have started preparing myself and my finances for my future woman/girlfriend/fiancé. ☺️ Excited na ko makipagdate ulit. Hahaha! Sabi nila, hindi raw hinahanap, kusa raw darating. Pero I believe na kelangan maging open and vast ang perspective mo para mapansin mo sya. At in some way, search for her. 😉 Family, career, business, and lovelife, I can do them all at the same time. 😁 In my current life's Plans A to D, no lovelife is considered (my past plans used to have Cha in it but they were gone like bubbles) - just me and my future. 😊

So help me God. Amen!

Dream

To my future wife:
I'll make sure you'll eat three times a day of balanced and healthy meals.
I'll make sure you'll live in a comfy and safe house and neighborhood.
I'll make sure that you'll have enough privacy in our own house.
I'll make sure that you'll achieve your dreams with me supporting you.
I'll make sure that you'll be respected and be treated like a queen by me and your family.
I'll make sure that you are well taken care of and protected by me.
I'll make sure that you'll enjoy living with our own family.

Few months to go...

Since last night, I was trying to figure out the IT for Taipei. With only 3 days allotted for Taipei Fun Pass, there's so much time constraint. Some places are meant for the 4th day.

While doing it, at the back of my mind, "Is Cha coming?" She was the one who planned and booked all these travels for 2019. I cannot treat her anymore. She didn't thought carefully all the the things she would like to do this year. Maybe because, it's not her money who booked the plane tickets in the first place. 😕 I asked her to provide me even 1k every cut-off. But because she's also in a very tight budget, I don't think she will be in her current salary. Worst case, I will be going alone.

I did my best to help her. Sent her CV to find a new job. Shopped for stuffs and groceries for them. Sponsor her law school misc and allowance. The remaining things to do are on her. There are things I can no longer help like going to interviews, minimize not needed purchases, etc.

There are so much things running through my mind. But I will just let her do her things. I want her to order and prioritize her stuffs. I don't know until when I will keep on reminding her on the things she needs to do. I'm not her secretary nor her romantic partner anymore. I should not be held responsible for all of her decisions and doings, well except for sponsoring her law school's misc and allowance. The rest, it's all up to her. Being not committed with her keeps me from doing things I used to do - treat her as a queen and provide all her needs and wants. Now, I got to reserve my resources for the my (future) true loyal and faithful queen. 😋

—

Current: I'm cleaning up my closets. Remove the things aren't used anymore.

(Updated!) I wanna be in love!

Gusto ko ulit ma-inlove romantically. Yung kikiligin ka kapag kausap mo sya. Yung makikita mo lang sya nakangiti ay masaya kana. Yung ma-iinspire ka gawin mga bagay bagay kasi alam mo andyan sya nakasupporta. Yung alam mong magiging loyal at faithful sya sayo despite of all the temptations and challenges. Yung alam mong you will help each other grow and achieve each other's dream.

My Ms. Right, when will you introduce yourself to me? 😆 I am just here waiting while trying my best to be successful. 😊 For you, me, and us, naghahanda na ko sa araw ng pagkikita natin.

Sa ngayon, "expired" ako but I still go on as I must move on.

——

Me1, "Why not ask Cha again to get back together?"

Main Me, "Na-ah. As they say, 'There are better fishes in the sea.'"

Me1, "Why? Move on move on din. 😋"

Main Me, "HA HA HA HA! That's what Cha told me many times in the past. I did moved on - many times. But what she has done? She kept on getting back to Jake and telling me she was contacted or she just needed something like a book. So? Is he the only classmate she ever had? Doesn't she have any friends to talk to? Of course, she liked to meet him! She liked to meet the guys who like/love her. I've learned my lesson. She's the best example of "words that contradict with actions". I cannot entrust my heart to her again not until I've seen she has changed for the better."

Me1, "Galit na galit? 😋"

Main Me, "I'm just explaining my side. I'd rather court someone new than get back to her and pick up where we have left."

Me1, “What will make you forget everything and start over with her?”

Main Me, “When she’ll do what I did before. I was crazily madly in love with her that I fought for her and for us. Di ko pala alam, meron na pala sya iba. I want her to talk to me and say to me that she’s very sorry for all the lies and cheating she has done (even the very recent one) and she would like to start over. I want to see the sincerity in her eyes. If she can talk to Jake with all honesty, why can’t to me?”

Me1, "Any chance of loving her romantically again? Like dating her and ask her to be your girlfriend/fiancé?"

Main Me, "Hahaha! Ayaw ko magsalita ng tapos dahil di naman talaga natin alam mga mangyayari satin. Some people told me that 'Once a cheater will always be a cheater' but I also have friends who have changed after they met their "katapat". As for me, hindi ako ang katapat ni Cha. Kasi kung ako, she'll not lie nor cheat on me over and over again. It's difficult to trust someone again after s/he has lied to you many times - especially cheating. But I believe na magbabago din sya once natagpuan na nya yung katapat nya. 😊 It may take years bago sya mag mature in relationships but I believe she'll be. In her own pace and her own time, she'll be a better person. 😊 And of course, mahal ko parin naman sya as a friend and family.

As a conclusion, we all need time to heal up. 😊 Time does really heal everything. And we never know, during this process, makilala nya yung Mr. Right nya at makilala ko rin yung Ms. Right ko. Eh di win-win lahat. 😁 Let's just believe with the life's process."

P.S. Basta sa ngayon, I really hate players, liars, users, and cheaters. Thanks to my recent relationship, I've realized them all. 😆 At I will focus on myself.

Bel! 😛

Hi Blog!

I couldn't sleep again. I suddenly thought of putting Cha's loyalty and faithfulness to a test. Familiar with the secret camera project? There. I wanna hire that team to test her through wooing her by an attractive guy. And see how she will react. Another thing, collaborate with that team to have Jake show up suddenly and ask her to check-in in a motel to have a private talk. I wanna know if she'll accept Jake's offer.

Well, she did it in the past. I wanna know if she has really moved on from Jake. And if she has a strong will to change - to be better. Or if she will give in again to the desires of her earthly body.

Whatever it is, I wanna put her to test. And again, we're both technically single and I am not ready to trust her again with my love. As you all know, I hate cheater, unfaithful, disloyal, and user. I'd rather stay single than fall in love with that kind of person. I don't wanna waste my time and resources unto them.

Currently, checking at my heart and mind, I still don't like/love Cha romantically. I only love her as a family and best friend that's why I'm concerned. I did hesitate to answer her ILYs but I answered anyway because the truth is, I love her - but not romantically nor as a romantic partner. I need at least 2 years to observe her and prove she's a better person. Why years? It took her months before she reconnected with the guys she cheated on me with. But since I am single, I am not closing my door to anyone even to Cha (she's still a good person). I am open for any possibilities that will start from friendship. If Cha has really the desire to change and bring me back, I should see it through her actions. I no longer chase nor run over to her. Done with those crazy years. If she really wants me back, she should be willing to start from scratch and strive hard to win my heart and my trust. But for now, I am just open for any romantic opportunities - I wouldn't know if the right person is already around the corner if I am closing my door. 😜

Now, just loving myself and my family. 😊
So help me God.

Current Rove’s Thoughts Status

Why I want to only offer you family and friendship?

I know we've hurt each other in the past. And I'm so sorry. But I hope you just left me without telling anything. It really hurt me that it felt like I just became your option. You told me in the past that you will not reconnect with J anymore. But you kept on reconnecting with him despite knowing that he loves you. When you lied and cheated on me, I forgave you. But you did it again and again and again. I forgave you many times. But now, I'm done. I don't care when you'll become mature in relationship or be loyal or faithful, but I was hoping you will be in the future when you finally meet the person who will make you think "This is the person I want to marry. I will be loyal and faithful to this person."

I've become cautious now. Don't blame me if it's difficult for me to let myself like/love you romantically again. I'm trying to avoid the thoughts of: "maybe she just came back to me because J and her had a fight and she thinks I'm always available for her" or "maybe she just came back to me because she can see I am investing to get myself successful and be financially rich". I'm also trying to avoid people's thoughts: "she doesn't want to commit to you or be in a relationship with you but she can get the benefits of being a girlfriend - friends with benefits?" or "she might think that you are always there when she's having problems with the guy".

I've learned my lesson. You need more time for yourself - to rethink about your relationships, what you really want in life. Unfaithfulness and disloyalty are always an issue for me. I cannot let you hurt me again. This is why I can only offer now are best friends and family.

I'm afraid to let Rove like/love you romantically again. Afraid that you will cheat on me again by reconnecting or flirting, after few months, with the people who you know who like/love you and you supposedly not talk to - virtually or not - nor see in person. I hate cheaters, liars, unfaithful, and disloyal people. I'm not afraid to fall in love again, have girlfriend, and get married but I'm afraid to do it again with you. 😔 I need more time, months, to prove that you are ready for a mature relationship and ready to commit to only one person without cheating.

Once again, I'm not closing my doors for possible love story with you again. But again, I want a mature, loyal, and faithful partner and not a dishonest, flirty, player, and user partner.

P.S. I consider cheating when you chat or flirt chat or meet in person with the people who you know like/love you, instead of not entertaining them in the first place because you know your partner will get jealous or the person who like/love you might make you fall in love or flirt with you. Or talk or meet them telling me that you need something from them. Remember, if there's a will, there's a way. They are not the only people you know who can help you - your partner, family, and best friends can.

To my dear bestie and little sister

Dear Cha,

I'm not sure how many letters I gotta send to you. I'm trying to refrain myself from saying these to you in person since you tend to get irritated with my voice.

I don't love you romantically anymore. I only love you as a person and as a best friend. What I can only offer now is friendship. Why? I'm trying to avoid the circumstances wherein I will just be one of your options. It was proven many times, you just go back to me when you have LQ with Jake. You don't have to explain but I know that you loved him. And you cannot like/love two persons at the same time. I've already let you go. Di ko naman sinasara yung door ko sayo - na one day, you'll become mature and be faithful and loyal to only one person. Pero sa ngayon, hanggang family and best buddy lang ako sayo.

3mos rule is about to end. And I am now ready to date again. I'm not the same Rove that you used to know. I cannot tolerate unfaithfulness and disloyalty anymore. Nagising na ko at natauhan na ko. I've already done my best in our 4+ years relationship (friendship and lovers) that's why I don't have any regrets. And it's time for me to go.

As your family, I will just be here to support you until you achieve your dream. And hopefully, one day, I get to see you get married with the person you will love faithfully and be loyal with. And hopefully, you will also be happy and be supportive to what I will do in the future.

I love you my bestie. I love you my little sister. ☺️

Yours truly,
Rove

Rove’s Lovelife

Modified 2:20PM

I don't wanna lose myself while serving the people I love. This is why I also love to have downtime. I'd love to have Me Time more often now.

Single or not, seeing someone or not, I don't wanna delay or cancel my plans in life. I wanna focus on achieving them. I don't wanna think critically about the people around me anymore. Don't wanna give a f***.

I gave チャ two handwritten letters. Every word was thought carefully. Every sentence was coming from my heart and mind. After writing the second letter, I had a peace of mind where I let go of everything - even my romantic love to her. I had a sense of feeling that I no longer desire for her appreciation or for her romantic love. That I'd rather stay single than to chase her. It may be because it was really a turn off to like someone who is flirting with everyone. Then after she has read the second letter, her treatment to me has changed. She suddenly became sweeter to me. She became touchy and started calling me "Ney" more often. She started reminiscing moments we've been together. But haven't told me the "ILY" sentence yet. I'm not sure who am I to her or what are we. She didn't tell anything. So technically, we're still both single. If nililigawan nya ko, then she should inform me. I am not easy to get. Yes, I love her, but as a family. I will still support and assist her throughout her endeavors in life. My only desire are her wellness and see her achieve her dreams in life. Romantically, I'm not ready to like/love her again if there's any. Maybe I was hurt badly or I really experienced a major turn off. Whatever it is, all I know is I need more time. I'm no longer the old Rove who fall easily for sweet treatment even after being hurt badly by the person I loved.

I'm at the point of my life where I don't know who to trust anymore, so I'd rather trust and rely on myself only.

Just like what I told チャ before, kung kami talaga, kami talaga. We should not push ourselves to like or love each other anymore.

It happened multiple times in the past:
- When I was at the lowest point of my life, she left me. She went back when I started feeling good or something good was happening in my life.
- She keeps coming back to Jake every time their LQ has passed. I don't wanna tell or ask anything more about them. It's now none of my business and I don't care anymore. I already lost interest to her romantically.
- She flirts with the people who like her. No, I'm no longer part of their games. I've already signed off from her suitors list.

I think, I have to continue observing チャ. Let's see when she matures in terms of love and relationships. Yes, she is very mature in life, but not in relationships. Maybe this is why my close friends said, she’s still young (age 23). She might be at the age of experimenting whom she really want to spend her life with. Now, I will just be here as her sponsor and supporter of her dreams. Only time will say if we'll end up together in the future. For now, I will just enjoy each other's company as best buddies. 😊

So help me God.

——

Quick observation:
チャ's language of love are affirmation and service. Mine are service and quality time. This means, she might be really testing the waters as of the moment.

Revelation

I thought she's grabbing this opportunity (of being single) to be a better person and get mature. But I was wrong, she's still the same. Doing the same mistakes. And it's a choice, not a mistake anymore. She still flirts with the guys who like her. And they all think that Cha likes them back. Cha seems like playing everyone's feelings. This is not the type of woman I wanna marry. I told her I no longer wait for her to be ready again for a relationship or commitment. I will just wait for the day I can see her grow up and be a respectable woman. I told her I don't wanna be in a relationship with a woman who acts like a girl and just plays around. A girl who is immature, liar, disloyal, and unfaithful. I'd better be alone than waste my time to girls. If there are countless of men dying to be with her or dying for their love to be reciprocated, then let them be. I won't spare a single sweat to win her heart anymore. I'm just lucky I know Cha more than them. And though how many times I give advice to her, they are all empty words without actions. Cha is lucky I am one of the few people in her life who has deep concern to her. If she couldn't see that, then well, it's her loss. I wouldn't let myself get killed in a battle where a woman being fought at is a flirt or immature person. I'd rather be her concerned friend than her romantic partner. I love my heart.

Now, Cha is a no-no for me. It's a big time turn off. Person who is fond of telling lies turn me off. Moreover, people who flirt everyone is a major turn off.

Thank you God. I can now finally say that this is a blessing in disguise. This breakup taught me many things and made me see more things I haven't seen before. You really wanted me not to end up with a girl or immature woman. You really do love me and care for me. 😊

Still, I care for Cha - not romantically but a concerned family/friend. If this is really her, fond of telling lies and flirting with everyone, I can no longer do anything about it. But one thing for isure, she has failed big time as my possible future wife. As a family, I am still here whenever she needs a friend. ☺️ She was put in my life for a reason - maybe for me to learn and also to guide her or teach her lessons.

Every little thing happened in our life has a reason.

Invest in thyself

I'm not sure but seems like チャ is developing a bad habit of lying. She lied to me. She lied to her mom. And she lied to everyone else.

Anyway, she doesn't have to lie to me about having suitors. It's okay. She's single. She can do anything she wants. And I just have to make sure that I will never fall for her again. Yeah, I said I love her. I just love her as a person, a dear friend, and possibly a younger sister. But loving her as my queen and romantic partner? Na-ah. She gives me more reasons to not love her romantically. 😋 I just have to fulfill my promise/purpose, then I'm done. 😁

Life's purpose/mission first above anything else.

As for my relationship status? I'm single. And I can start dating after Aug 25, just to give respect to people. BUT, I don't have time meeting new girls. What I want is to meet new women. Women who are faithful, loyal, kind, and wifey-material. Soon, I'll meet my "the one". Not now but I can wait. I need to be wiser this time about choosing my partner in life. This time, I will marry for sure this woman that's why I need to scrutinize the women I'll possibly date. So help me God.

For now, I'll have to invest and get rich. So that when I meet my soon-to-be-wife, I can marry her in just 2-3 years of dating. 😉

Now, self love. 🥰

Peace and Love

Had a nice trip with チャ. It was not the adventurous one but more of a staycation mode. 😆

It may look like our current relationship is "Friends with Benefits" but I don't wanna think about it more. If she doesn't want yet to be in a relationship or commitment, then it's fine. At least we don't have constraints in doing anything that makes us happy. ☺️ If she wanna meet friends or possible suitors, it's okay. She doesn't need to get anyone's permission, and so do I. 😁 We're both technically single (again).

On a positive note, I am not required or compulsory to see her - sunduin or samahan sya - whenever I don't feel like to. 😋 Kasi when she was still my partner, as my queen, I was obliged to serve her. ☺️ That's out of love of course. But now, I just love her but I am not required to sacrifice anymore when I don't feel like to. 😋 Moreover, she's not queen anymore.

I just have to fulfill my promise to her - support her in her dreams and goals in life. I'm serious about it. What is it in me? I will feel a sense of fulfillment when I see her becomes the CPA Lawyer she dreams of. 😊 And I'm deadly serious when I said, I will support her financially (except for tuition, that's her mom's) when she resigned. チャ is already part of the family.

As for me, I will push through with my Masters. I will not push or pressure myself in buying my own place for now. I need to sacrifice. The money for that possible own place will be directed to my family. I will assist my parents when they needed to. I am sponsoring チャ in her living expenses. I buy baon sometimes for my nieces and nephews. And other needed stuff at home, gotta help.

Family first. ☺️
Give more, expect less. ☺️
But of course, never forget self-love. 😄

Just be positive. Soon, I will reap what I sow.
Just keep on sowing love and kindness. 😉

Morning Thoughts

6:41AM

I just thought, if ever may magustuhan si Cha na iba or ma-fall in love sya ulit, what would I feel? Siguro, a little pain but I'll be happy for her. I am only helping her out of the promises I made and my love (as a human being, friend, and more than a romantic one) for her. In the end, all I want is her happiness and her wellness. If ever she'll find it with someone else, who am I not to be happy for her? 😋

I'm already at the point of my life where the love I feel towards a person is more than a romantic feeling. Wherein you'll be happy if you'll get chosen in the future and also will be happy on behalf of her when not. I don't know what this is called, soulmate love?

But who doesn't like to get married with the person they love? I'll be hypocrite if I'll say I am. 😝

For now, I'll just do what makes me happy. ☺️ (Currently practicing Buddhism meditation.) The right time will arrive soon. No worries, trust Him and the Universe.

2 and half days

9:53PM
Though Cha already left the house, she's still part of the family. And as part of the family, I need to help her out. And as I said, I am not expecting in return. The only favors I can ask for are two things:
1) She'll tell me if she's seeing someone else or liking someone else. Knowing this, I would know my boundary and I won't offend anyone even that person. I believe in Cha that she will not take this opportunity as "single" to two-time or just flirt anyone. She's a natural friendly and people mistake that into her liking them romantically. I know that Cha is maturing and knows what is right and wrong.
2) I will be able to see her achieve her dreams and goals as CPA Lawyer. After this, I can finally say that I have fulfilled my promises and one of my missions here on Earth.

But if ever - just ever since I'm not expecting and I don't know the future - she'll choose me in the future, I'm going to ask her to marry me. Yeah, there are people who tells me that there are more beautiful, more pretty, more smart, more caring women out there who I deserve instead of waiting for a woman who's no assurance that I am still loved. But I imagined myself getting married with Cha last year. And I think, this gives me a little hope for her love, maybe, just maybe in the future.

On the other hand, as much as I want her and MC to live here at our house so that they don't have to pay for rent, electric bill, water bill, and food, I couldn't. I don't want her study be disturbed by playing kids. With this, I will just help them financially with their living expenses.

Let's push the CDO. I couldn't think of any activities in CDO as a solo traveler. I've been there years ago, that's why. I will just practice meditation and wait for Cha's arrival.

Now, Cha is sick. Her fever keeps coming back according to MC. I asked MC a favor to take care of Cha. As much as I want to take care of her, it's beyond my capability now. I have constraints as you can see. I'm here at our house and she's there at their home. I don't know their address and I'm not allowed to go there.

In the past few days, I was thinking of getting my own house/flat first before a car. Then maybe, I can invite Cha and MC to live with me instead, or ask them to live there instead. With that, they don't have to pay for any bills (rent, electric, and water). I will also handle all their living expenses and Cha's school expenses.

I'm done eating pizzas, mojos, and Coke - food that I am not allowed to eat. LOL. Rhea's "friend" or suitor is here, downstairs.

------

12:44PM
Riri's 1st birthday was a blast! 😁

——

Just like what I thought so, チャ still loves me or at least, still has feelings for me or cares for me. If she doesn't, she wouldn't care at all whatever happens to me or she will reject all my help/gifts to her. 

Evidences?

She lied to me about the music box. She has a choice not to show it to me at all if she thinks I shouldn't care. She showed but told me it was coming from the office and not from her childhood friend who've been liking her for years. Why she told me that it was coming from somewhere else? As for me, there's nothing wrong about it since they're both single. She said, it's because I'm seloso. 😆 If you wouldn't care about the person, you will not give a damn whether that person will get jealous or not, it's none of your business already! But then, she still thought about my wellness. 😊 So that means, she still care for me. I told her that yes, I'm seloso but I'm way passed that immatureness she's thinking and I am currently practicing self-control and meditation. It's okay to get jealous as long as you don't act on it.

Another one, she was really concerned about my eye incident. I joked that it looks like it's in my tear duct then that means I will not be able to cry anymore which is a good thing. 😆

——

On the other side, I think that チャ is so careful not to hurt me in any way. She thought that I am still not growing up which is very wrong. I can changed for an instant and drastically if I would like to. Then I told her once, "I am growing up. How about you?" Maybe she still stuck to the idea that I am still the same. As for me, I already think of her differently, that her will and mental well-being have matured but her emotional well-being has not yet.

——

I think my goal right now is to help my loved ones and expect nothing in return. Living a selfless life with self-control. And this enticed me to learn and study Buddhism. Meditation and clearing one's mind. Detaching myself from this worldly desires.

Night Conversation with Her

チャ finally talked to me earlier. I treated them dinner first.

The things I gotta tell? My 3 promises:
1. I will wait for her, may it be 5, 10, or 15 yrs. I will wait but I will not expect that I will be chosen.
2. I will support her throughout her race towards her dreams and goals. Support includes, mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial health. I am not expecting anything in return. I just to want to see her become the CPA Lawyer she dreamt of.
3. I will take care of her wellness - mental and emotional.

I told her that when law school becomes tough, she can resign from work and I can finance her cost of living while she's studying. Supporting her will give me a sense of accomplishment, that I've done significant on this earth.

Conversing with her, I noticed that she's not the alert or high spirited Cha I used to know. You'll notice that she's more tense now and looks like having mental/emotional crisis. Why? Her physical body is not feeling good too. She needs to take her body so that her brain will follow. I can sense the high level anxiety, feeling of needing validation from external forces. (What am I saying? 😆) You cannot see the confidence coming from within, it's coming from outside validation. What made me think this way? I mentioned some little lies when we're talking. And she didn't notice that I was lying. She's very gullible now. The alert Cha will notice right away that I was lying because she knows me. She can easily catch when people are just saying half truth or not at all. Or better yet, some people will notice it right away just by looking at my face. She's stressed and having symptoms of depression and anxiety. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist but I once had a mental illness. With that, I can at least notice the same people through their behaviors.

What can I do now? What would Jesus do?
Stay by her side by letting her feel your presence. Assuring her that you are always there for her. Let's boost her confidence within herself little by little by giving her hope and strength that there are people other there that can support her big time and love her unconditionally.

We’ve talked about the fake engagement they had. It’s a promotional video. I told her that it’s better to tell the truth to people she’s close with than keep it a secret. It involves one’s integrity and no money can buy integrity. It’s like having a joke about the death of your relative. She said that they will only do it for 3 weeks. Then they will announce the truth. I just said, “Hope it worth every penny.” And she responded, “Okay lang yan. Friend ko naman.” For the sake of friendship, you will tire yourself for free. Unreasonable demonstration of selflessness. Maybe this is why she didn’t tell me because I will nag her. Hahaha!

I also told her I have a secret to tell but I will tell it in time - when she’s already a CPA. It’s about the ref I bought. 😆 And the secret money transfer to her account as added allowance. I have officially started the Daddy Long Legs thing. 😁

Rove aka DLL

7:36PM
I’m currently here in 7-Eleven along Madison. I think it’s the nearest one. They don’t have seats inside the store. Cars and jeepneys are passing by. I don’t have my mask with me. It’s getting difficult to breath. The 10min charge is too small for my phone. I think just enough to send max 10 SMS.

Thinking Brain:
Hi Feeling Brain. How are you? Do you still want to wait for her? I guess you do cause you are just all about intuition and impulse. If it’s okay with you, since your eyes and mind are collapsing, can we at least have a deadline? Like until 12MN only? I love you Feeling Brain and I don’t want you to get tired more. And we both love Cha. If her mind and body are unable to do so, let her be. We don’t want her to get tired, mentally and physically.

I think it would be enough that she knows that You promised to wait for her - may it take 5 or 10 years. And I think, it is enough that You are supporting her secretly as her DLL.

We are not crazy Feeling Brain. We are sane. We’re passed the immature era where we say “I’m gonna kill myself...” etc.

Feeling Brain, on this together, let’s go to that place. Let’s seek peace of mind and enlightenment. Not worry about the money cause we have trusted close friends. Buy the ticket next month, prepare the needed money, then depart.

It’s getting hotter here outside. My sweat started to drip. I still have few hours to wait.

——

6:20PM
I'm here inside a mall, near Cha's place.
I'm dizzy and no appetite for food.
But I gotta be here.
I am waiting for Cha to wake up.
Just like I have mentioned multiple times, she is worthy to be waited.

At first, I just wanna talk to her and ask her mental and physical health. Then MikMik run away. 😞 I don't know what to do. I lied and did't tell to COO admins that MikMik run away. 😞 I asked the people at home to look for her.

Now, I am dizzy. I am just staring at my food.
A friend told me to fight for Cha. I said, I promised to Cha that I will wait for her. And whatever happens, I will still support her - may it be mentally, emotionally, or financially - until she reaches her dreams. Maybe my purpose will be done once I've seen her successfully achieved her dreams and goals in life. Till then, I will commit to my promise to take care or her and support her.

I will gladly resign once I see her becomes the CPA Lawyer she dreams. Then I can now go and be gone into the fog.

-Daddy Long Legs

For the last time

Cha is having a difficult time. She may not tell it but I can feel it. I need to talk to her privately. There are things she needs to know. I'm a concerned best friend and I love her - more than a bestfriend or romantically. It's deeper beyond normal affection. Soulmate thing? I don't know what it is but I need to talk to her before it's too late.

If she really wishes not to see me nor talk to me anymore, I will be gone from her life after this private talk. I will risk everything. She may get mad at me big time after the talk but she needs to know it.

It's all about her and her wellness.

God, please let me this time. You know my heart, my intention, and my mind. I will gladly follow your light after this.

I ask, “Who are you?”

I already might have a theory why she started ignoring me since Tues night.

1) She realized something after the shoot. Maybe she better off with a guy.
2) She's becoming famous among her "friends" (online friends, not too close in person, etc).

God, no matter how great fame can do to a person, please stay still by her side. You are the only who know her heart and mind. Guide her to your righteous path. I pray that she'll not come to the point of her life when You need to clip her wings just for her to stand in the ground. I pray that she may find true happiness in every thing she's doing in her life.

I will just let her be. Give her time to digest every last drop of her success and fame. 😊

——

I'm not a famous person. I only hang out with the most introverted and shy people in the class. I remember the time when I got famous with girls when I was sophomore to junior highschool, I was still running back to my circle (Reg, Rosy, and Onin). Why? I was not comfortable being flocked by people whom I was not really close with. My circle made me feel at home and provided me a sense of security. Now as you can see, our friendship (Rosy, Reg. and I) is still as strong as rock. We both reap what we sow. Whenever we need any help - may it be financial, mental, emotional, or spiritual - we come running for each other.

Fame - especially online or virtual - can easily fade away. I was once an internet sensation for a very short time. It sometimes turn you into a person whom you aren't really. At the end of the day, you'll ask yourself "Who am I really? This feels good but where are my real friends? I don't see nor talk to them anymore."

Ok these are already behind me. Past is past. 😄

——

Fame and success can be blinding. Always remember the people who were by your side when you had nothing.
Anyway, people will realize the value of a person when they’re already gone.

Thankful Day

I did a good deed today. I'm happy that I am doing something significant on my last few weeks/months. Helping without revealing your identity... it feels good. I finally started being a daddy long legs.

God, I pray that you guide and take care of Cha. She's stressed and tired for these past few days. May you give her the strength she needs. She doesn't talk to me anymore, but that's okay. She has her own reason. I respect that. God, please just be with her always. Give her the knowledge and wisdom she needs. Please remind her that we are always here for her. And I will be here for her till my time is up. Thank you God. I know she is safe with you.

Who am I really...What's my purpose...

After months of searching, I accidentally found Cha's blog (http://thethought-of-alostgirl.blogspot.com/). I read the old posts she posted. It breaks my heart, really. The person I loved struggled big time because of me.

Maybe, she really needs time for herself now.

I also read one post where I promised to her that I will take care of her and will always be by her side when she needed someone. That she can always lean on me - financially, mentally and emotionally. I think this is the thing I am referring to, "something is telling me to help you..". I made a promise, an unbreakable promise. The thing that's telling me are my subconscious mind and my conscience.

I am really sorry Cha. I really sucked. No words can explain how worse my blunders were. I did many mistakes. I hurt you many times in the past. I'm not sure how to repay you. It's all because of me why you became like that, struggling.

Maybe I am not really good with people. Instead of taking care of the people I value the most, I am hurting them.

Who am I really? I'm the child of God. I want to be one.
Maybe, to be a monk is really a good idea. Living in the mountains secluded from the society, praying, will help me find the light and discover who really I am. I hope it's not a form of running away, a little maybe.

I think helping my loved ones from a distance, without my physical presence, will do good to them. I'm better off to go...

Need to plan my departure. I still have 3 months.

(My Tiger is sleeping soundly beside me...Hope he's excited to see her little sister.)



Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

Went out the sun was high 😅

What would Jesus do?

Instead of seen-zone her too, I responded since I have time. I'm not rude. 😊 Don't dwell in negative things. "Always return hatred with kindness."

I was browsing the internet and I came across this http://www.watpahnanachat.org/. I will do a research and I will apply for at least a month of stay here. Then let's see if this is really my calling. For the meantime, I will start learning Buddhism.

My Tiger is waiting for her little sister.

Bread’s Thoughts

10:14AM

Haha! Nahihiya na ko sa ginagawa ko. Mukha na kong stalker, minus the following around and knowing the whereabouts, sa ginagawa ko. LOL.

I sent messages. Seen-zone.
I sent help. Seen-zone.
Pati sila Tigs, seen-zone narin. :( Nahihiya na ko para sa mga furbabies namin. Hindi sila pinapansin ng nanay nila. :( Dahil siguro may new furbabies na sya? :( Ako nalulungkot para kila Tigs.

"What would Jesus do?"
If it's Jesus, he would just continually provide help. And continue to reach out. Self-less service.

Ang hirap maging Jesus. Haha! Lord, kinun nyo nalang po ako. Ba't ang hirap ng tasks/mission nyo sakin? Hindi po ako magaling sa pakikipag kapwa. Alam nyo naman na mas gugustuhin ko nalang manahimik sa isang tabi kesa maghabol ng tao ng ayaw naman sakin. -_-"

Ba't pa kelangan maging human being~!!! Mas gugustuhin ko nalang maging kuto. Para isang tiris lang, tapos na. I served my purpose. LOL.

Ano bang profession that doesn't required mingling with other human beings?
Madre? No. Have to go to church and talk to people.
Writer? No. Have to attend to book signing. But then, most of the time, they just stay inside their office/room writing. Nice idea.
Monk? Probably. I will be secluding my self from the society and live in the mountains, praying and reflecting 24hrs a day. This is a great idea!

Can I do this yolo thing? Run away to Thailand or Cambodia and live as a monk? I better give myself deadline. When all else fails, I'll do this.

Today is July. How about 3 months? I will evaluate my life on the first week of Oct. Then if nothing good comes out, I will leave on my birthday. YOLO. No itineraries, no advance booking, nothing at all. I will just let my feet take me anywhere.

Timeline:
July to Sep. Do my best to be of a service. Help my family (this includes Cha) and relatives. Cleaning up my things.
Oct 1-9. Life evaluation.
Oct 10-15. Decision has to be made. Preparation, secure the life of the people I will leave behind.
Oct 17. Set off. Fly away.

God, please help me this time.

-----

12:03AM

Me and my team watched Lion King earlier. And that was the only time I finally understood the story of Lion King. When I was a kid, I first watched the cartoon version probably I was 5 yrs old. I think I was amazed with the colors and stuff but never understand the story and life's lesson. It's a nice movie and not recommended for kids. Haha! Pre-requisite: must have watched the cartoon version. 😁

I sent food to チャ earlier. She needs it. A simple treat/reward for a job well done this week. 😊 She really worked hard and she deserves it. 

Also transferred allowance to her. Why? I'm not sure. Something's telling me that I should help her.

I was thinking...when I changed for the better (accepted by the Christianity), can God pick me up out of here? It's not that I wanted to die early. It's just that people are prone to temptations and evil things work by the enemies if they are doing good in this world. I don't wanna go back to being "evil" or a sinner. I am a sinner yes. But I am trying so hard to control my thoughts and not move on impulse. Without controlling it, I'll be prone to committing a sin which I will regret later on.

One question I thought today that may help me decide before I act on something, "what would Jesus do?"

Some other says, when you are done with your purpose, big chance, you will ascend to heaven earlier. But I still have no clue what's mine. I read in All Purpose Driven Life that Life is a Temporary Assignment. The most common "good deed" is to help others. And this is what I have started doing and I will do it till I don't have anything left. (Anyway, we don't really own anything in this world.) I have to help my family (this includes チャ as she's already part of the family since she was 3 yrs old). 

It is funny how life can be. Have you ever thought that after 17 yrs, チャ and I will meet again? Nobody thought of that - even I. I had childhood friends (one in a year or two) but I never thought I'm going to see them again. I was already assuming that they are living happily across the globe.

So this means, no one can manipulate destiny. I'm no longer afraid of losing someone. It's a natural phenomenon and it's been happening to all of us in some point of our lives. Life is just becoming interesting with our choices.

The circle of life. We are all connected.

For the recent movies or series I watched, they all mentioned about how we are all connected. If I am going to think about it deeply, we are all brothers and sisters.

Then I snapped on a thought, "If I'm not a working professional, I might be a full-pledge pastor or preacher." ☺️ This was my ultimate dream role.

(I fell asleep while writing this.😅)

To be continued...

Happy to serve! Yes!

Let me be your daddy long legs.
I may not be a millionaire now but let me help you up to the very best I can.
I don't really know why but let me support you throughout.
I am not expecting anything in return. Helping you just makes me happy.

Maybe the only way you can give back is, I should be able to see you succeed in life. 😊

Inner Peace

Now I think, why push thyself to someone who doesn't like you even as a friend?

Self-respect.

That's because she's pretty and famous? And one day may become CPA and Lawyer?

Tsss. You don't need that Rove. You don't need any of that.

What you need is someone who like you for who you are and accept you for who you are even as a friend.

It's better to have a friend who is a janitor or maid because they know the value of relationships. They know the value of "pinagsamahan". They appreciate the people who have helped them - who were by their side through thick and thin.

Only time and experience can mold someone's life and behavior.

People need peace of mind and not some successful stories.

——

To チャ,
I still root for you. Just like what I said, I still support you throughout your journey. May you find inner peace and be successful in life.
-Rove

You will always be my ハニー

2:35AM

Did you know the reason why I didn’t tell to all the people around me that I was in a relationship? It’s because I was afraid that one day, iiwan din nya ko. Then it happened nga. And it’s not my forte to tell stories to people when they ask about my lovelife. What will I tell them if one day we broke up? I’m not in showbiz to tell all the details.

I plan to announce it when we’re about to get married so no more dramas and no more gossips.

The promise ring. I gave that as my promise that I will marry her someday - when my financials are already capable to provide all her needs including a house. Pero di nya ko naantay. 😞 I was willing to take the risks and wait her. But she doesn’t want me to wait. In fact, she hated me now.

——

1:35AM

All of a sudden, チャ doesn't want to talk to me. She said, she's moving on. She said, wala raw syang iba. She doesn't even want me to be her friend anymore.

My friend said, "hindi naman magsasabi sayo ang ex mo na meron na syang iba eh". And she advised me na hayaan nalang si チャ. She also said, mag move on narin daw ako and start dating after few months. Sabi ko, di kadali yun. It’s easy to say than done.

Now I am crying (again). For more than 4 years we've been together, alam ko kung badtrip ba sya or highblood. Alam ko paano sya pakalmahin. Alam ko yung mga flaws nya and I love them all. She was my queen. I served her with all my might as her knight. I was so faithful and loyal to her. I always put her first over my friends. Pag kailangan nya ng company, I was always available na samahan sya - despite the distance, hours, and my work schedule. Drove miles and miles para sunduin sya, padalhan sya, or suyuin sya. Tulungan sya sa lahat ng maabot ng makakaya ko. Binigay ko lahat God. But she threw me away just like that.

What did I do wrong to experience all of these? Gusto ko nalang iuntog tong ulo ko para makalimutan yung four years na pinagsamahan namin.

Gusto ko nalang mag-volunteer na ipadala sa outer space even without the assurance na makakabalik pa sa Earth. I don't fucking care! Bring me there!

Even I am sobbing right now, ayaw ko magpatalo sa depression ko. I love myself. No one will love me except me.

Ang tagal ng Aug. Ang tagal ng Oct. Gusto ko na mag-DND at maging busy tong utak ko. Hindi yung pain ng heartbreak ang mas nakakapagpasakit, kung hindi ang memories you shared with the person.

Dahil ba sa pinanganak ako na babae, wala na ko karapatan magmahal ng tunay? Na ang tanging paraan lang para makakilala ako ng taong magmamahal sakin at di ako iiwan ay dapat mayaman at successful ako? Kung yun lang din ang batayan, then will it be! I will be fucking rich! I swear over my dead body. For those people who discriminate people like me, fuck you all! I will make sure that I am richer and more successful than you! I swear in this Universe. All of you fucking bastard who stepped down on people like us, you'll suffer twice as much as we have suffered.

Now, I am looking at myself in the mirror. My sobbing has stopped. Everything has stopped, hopefully my breathe too.

As I wondered around my room, she still has lots of things here. I don't mind. I told her to use this room as her storage. It was OUR room.

——

チャ, wherever you are, I still want and pray for your happiness. Wag ka magpapatalo sa stress at problems ng life na ibabato sayo. I know kaya mo yan. I should've be there to assist you but you chose to leave. Di kita sinisisi sa naging decision mo. I respect it, just like how I respect you since the day nakilala kita. I am sorry if I had flaws and was not capable enough for you in any way. I'm sorry kung hindi ako ka-proud proud sayo. Someday magiging proud ka rin sakin even as your friend. You know what, I am still very proud of you. Lahat ng accomplishments mo at tapang mo to face this life. You had undesirable past, but you didn't let it stop you to achieve your dreams. At dahil dun kahangahanga ka talaga. And that's also the reason kaya mas lalo kita minahal at na-appreciate nun. Dahil sa mga na-experience mo sa life, mas gusto kita alagaan at gabayan. Pero I guess hindi na ko welcome sa life mo. Pero ayos lang, I know you will be fine.

Just always remember this,

When in doubt, pray.
When you need strength, pray.
When you need wisdom to create sound decisions, pray.