I’m bored

I wanna go somewhere. With no rain. Then watch the sky with beautiful fireworks from a high place.

Next year, I will celebrate New Year in other country. ☺️

My memories, suck! 😠😆

ハニー still looks like a minor, around 10-15 years of age. An adult, as she always says, that turns into a little girl when her mother is around - unable to make decisions, unable to confront, and just follow her mom's tail around. 😆

Well, I couldn't still believe her 100% when she says "I'm a full grown adult now and I will make decisions for my life." This is what she said when she asked for "me-time" but then called some ugly monkey and had sex casually with him in a motel. I cannot be as confident as I used to be. It's better to be doubtful than to be over confident. Just like what happened in one Marikina Food Park - where I thought we're enjoying the night together but was then getting flirtatious with the ugly faggot. Moreover, was chatting to me every night asking "how are you?" but then was with the ugly creature the whole night.

Lesson learned: "It's better to be doubtful at times. Being over confident with someone will only lead you to pitfalls."

Don't tell me "Why are you still not moving on?"
I am moving on! Well, try to be in my place. Cheating happened not once, not twice, not thrice, but four times. And worst cheating ever: "sex-ting" and actual sex just 5 months ago. F-r-e-s-h! 😆 Damn! Not only that, the mother was also silent about the cheating. Maybe because, she's also doing it and she's not in the right place to tell someone what's wrong or right. Damn right! 😆

Give me five years. Maybe after five years without anymore cheating, I might completely forget it. 😄

Or if you want the fastest way, have the ugly faggot get killed. That way, I will be at peace in an instant. 😉

Now, I thought again, "Why didn't I broke up with her the moment I found out that they had sex and was cheating on me that whole time?" Damn I'm too slow! Maybe my brain reflex has already died. It started to retreat last 2014. 😣 What a poor little thing.

Another thought: "I wanna try to have casual sex outside my commitment." Just to know how it feels like when cheating your gf/bf. 😆 Will I feel guilty? Will I feel condemnation? Will I enjoy it knowing I am committed with someone else? What it feels like? This makes me curious sometimes. 😄 Haha!

Got to sleep. 😉

I will let God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit do the rest.
They're the only one I can trust to after all the predicaments I had in life.
They will lead me to the things and people I deserve. ☺️
Thank you God. Amen!

Learning from experience

Lately, I'm in this mode wherein when a person did something wrong to me and I think has not yet realized it for the moment, I will also do the same to him/her.

I'm not doing this just because I wanted to get revenge but I wanted for them to realize what they did. And one way for them to realize it is to show what and how they did it.

I observe that in this generation, people don't learn with just words. You have to show them and make them feel and experience so that they can learn.

So beware fellas! 😉 I'm not the same patient sheep you were treating the way you did before.

#HelpMeGod

Painful memories

When I am alone..stuck in traffic, sometimes my mind wonder off.. and out of the blue, I remember the times ハニー cheated on me..

The times where she just told that it's a friend.

- When we ate at food park in Marikina with Rhea. Thought we're okay as ハニー was clingy. But the truth is she was taking pictures of us and chatting to the ugly creature. It looked like I was the kabit as she was reporting to the ugly creature.

- The picture they took at night when they were in the bridge. Same location of picture I saw taken last Dec 11, 9:52pm. Why ハ二ー took the same location/picture?

- Pictures of her holding his hand and placed it in her lap. I couldn't remember an instance where ハニー took my hand to her and take photos of it. Most of the times, it's always me who get her hand and place it to my lap.

- The pictures they had in that ugly creature's phone. He even posted it in their blog. Thinking of it, they were together in most of the occasions already- all without my knowledge.

- Their blog. I don't know how to react on it. I can only think, "Ah...they might loved each other to do this kind of stuff."

- The day she had her massage and that night she asked me if we can be separated for few days as she needed time for herself. But the truth was, she met the ugly creature and had sex casually with him. This is the most devastating memory I have. I thought of "what if I stopped ハニー leaving that night, that thing should have not happened." But on the other side, someone is telling me that it's not my fault - it's their choice. And they did choose to commit sin.

- The day I saw the conversations in Telegram. Conversations where in how happy ハニー was with the sex experience. I couldn't remember any instance where I did dirty talk with ハ二ー. This is the second most hurtful memory I have with them. Sometimes, when I recall it, I questioned myself, "why I didn't broke with ハニー right after I read those?" That "I should have called it quits at the time." But on the other side, someone is telling me the reason, "it's because you are too slow. Your brain processes events and circumstances very slow. It will take you days, weeks, months, or worst, years before it sink in to you." When that time has come, it's very too late to react or do something about it.

- That after these events-sex, cheating discovered-ハニー doesn't like initiating "lab lab" anymore. We used to but not after those last two dreadful events.

These painful memories, i don't know how to get rid of it. They say "Time heals" and I believe in it. The sex just happened last week of July 2018 so it's not that old. I think I still need more time, years for an instance. Or, maybe I should see my doctor again? This looks like a trauma to me. Or, my mind can finally be free once that ugly creature is dead.

I can't remember when my brain started processing events very late. And my brain tend to overthink things, until to the last details. Did I had a trauma? Did something happened that I resisted to understand right away?

"Change is inevitable."
"Forgive but not forget."
"Time heals."

ハニーの special day

ハニー

Happy Monthsary.

First of all, sorry. Sorry for everything. I know you are running out of patience because of me. I'm too emotional and can overthink things. This is why I'm getting at your nerves. 😞 Though I'm too impatient, you still try to understand me.

Second of all, thank you. Thank you for the unconditional love. The fact that you can leave me anytime, you still didn't do it.

I still believe on what you said weeks ago, "mag-aaway pero di maghihiwalay".

I only want is your happiness. That you may find the thing that will make you happy. That you may find purpose in life that you won't have to convince yourself every day to get up just for the sake of getting up. That you may find peace in your mind and heart.

I love you.

I'm sorry. And I love you.

You are one of the best things God has happened to me. May you be His perfect choice for me.

I'm not sure until when our relationship can lasts but I hope that may we learn new things about each other each day. That we may grow old together through thick and thin.

I will do my best to always have a helping hand to you. I will do my best to provide you all the things that you need. I will do my best to serve you as my queen God has given me.

I love you my queen.

-あなたのking

I love Christmas 🎉

I think I have already completed the gifts.
Now, I just need to wrap the items I just receive and need to wait for the remaining. Then I'm good. 😁

Why worry if I can pray? This is what I love - giving gifts and giving joys.

On the other side, I would love to take my mom to a beach for only a night. To set aside all the life's predicaments and just chill.

I would also love to take my partner to a 3D/2N trip to somewhere beautiful at night - Baguio she prefers. 😉

So help me God, Christ, and Holy Spirit. Please don't let me lose control of my mind and my heart. Amen!

Increase thy worth

Need to improve thyself.

I gotta have MBA first.
Climb the corporate ladder.
Have own business.
Get rich.
Then become successful.

Saka na yung lovelife.
When I become a boss, I can eventually attract a boss.

"To date a boss, be a boss." 😆

Got to increase my worth. Double time.

First goals: PSM1 then MBA

Be the best of thyself

"Why worry when you can pray?"
"What do you believe in the deepest part of your being?"

At the end of the day, poker face

The feeling where you have no one to tell about your life's problems and heart aches. The feeling where you have no one who can be a listening ear.

Then you tried everything just to have some outlets of your emotions - e.g. gym.

But at the end of the day, you only have yourself. You can only cry in private while staring at the sky, asking "when it's going end?"

God, when is it going to end? When my life is going to end? I can no longer deal with everyone else and with myself. Can I have a reset? Born as a different person and start over? Or if not, just end it without any reset. Let me stay beside you instead.

A messy life

I talk a lot I know.
I'm not an expert when it comes to breaking up.
You know that I only had one relationship in the past.
I didn't had the opportunity to ask my ex why we broke up. It just gone in the air like bubble. No words of goodbye nor thank you.
And maybe this is the reason why I bluff a lot.
I've just seen in movies and television that people who break up, talk calmly and enumerate the things why the relationship needs to end.
*sigh*
Well, maybe I'm not ready yet to handle a partner who is so young. I'm already at the age where I want to be independent and achieve a lot while my partner is at the age who still want to have fun and live a "single" life.
A partner who is an only child and so free while me as an eldest and has lots of responsibilities that I'm dying to break out of. Well, maybe I was born and raised like this - bossy, planner, dominant, impatient, etc. And I think, a partner that complements me is someone who can tame me. Someone who doesn't like clashing nor arguments and will initiate calm conversations with me instead.

Well, it's all just well.

I really wanted to go to a very far away place. Place where no one knows me. A place where I can start over and introduce a new me.

If I couldn't do it, is ending one's life a good alternative? I guess so.
When you can no longer continue the story, an easy option is to kill the main cast.

So help me God.

Freedom, I beg

I'm bored. I wanna go to a far place and stay there for atleast 5 days without communication from the outside world. I don't want to hear or see, even for a moment, my family, my friends, and my current romantic relationship.

Even for a moment, I don't wanna think how fucking life is. 

How my mother looks at me and only see money.

How my current romantic relationship takes me for granted.

How my current company sucks for not compensating what I deserve.

How sucks it is to work my ass of for others just to get by everyday.

How sucks it is to kill thyself to work in a corporate world and be called "employee" or slave.

How damn boring and unfair this life is.

I wanna go to a far away island/beach where I can only do are stare afar, take a deep breathe, and not think anything.

I'm fucked already! 

I wanna be free! I wanna be free!

Free me!

-----

God,

Holy Spirit,

Christ,

you there?

Free me please.

Rove the Billionaire

Since Oct 2018, I am already at the verge wherein I don't mind if my partner will call it quits. I'm no longer holding tight nor letting go, just sitting pretty. 😉 Also the reason why I tell my current partner to think carefully if she still needs me or if she still needs this relationship to go on.

I should always be thinking of myself, my wellness, and my plans in life. I should keep on thinking that I need to be successful and rich from now on so that in the future, I'll get to find the woman I will marry with and grow old with. If needed, think like single - invest with myself, invest in my own financials, save for myself, don't overspend for partners, etc.

So help me God. Christ and Holy Spirit, please guide me to the path where you wanted me to be. I love you and thank you.

Tss 😒

Don't ever think na ikaw lang sunud sunuran satin. Dahil kahit ako, sunud sunuran sa lahat ng gusto mo. Kahit broke na, G lang, masunod ka lang, ma-please ka lang. Why am I doing this in the first place? As if I am already married to do all these stuffs.

Tss. 😒

My heart rate reached 104 🤬

Kahapon pa ko busit na busit sa nanay ko. Puro reklamo at paringgan. Hindi na natigil. Hanggang pag-ddrive ko, bulyaw parin ng bulyaw. Rindi na rindi na ko sa mga reklamo nya. 🤬

I really need to get a new job ASAP and leave this hell place. Well, the place is not hell except it's becoming hellish because of some people who only know is to complaint at magparinig. These people only brings negative and bad vibes. You know how absorbent I am when it comes to negative vibes. This is why as much as possible, I don't want to hear nor see any negative things.

Puro pera pera pera! Yan ang bukang bibig ng nanay ko. Gusto ko nalang sya i-disown dahil sa puro "pera" ang lumalabas sa bibig nya.

I need to set off ASAP. Magsama sila ng unico hijo nya. Dun sya magparinig na magparinig hangga't gusto nya. Tutal naman, hindi naman counted lahat ng contributions ko sa bahay. Magiging counted lang yun kapag cash binigay mo - cold cash. Mga material things like internet, sumasalo sa overcharging nya sa plan nya, pasalubong na pagkain, and other simple stuff sa mga bata, etc, they are never be counted. Dahil puro pera lang nasa paningin nya.

Kaya kapag ako nanalo sa kung ano man, bibigyan ko sya ng 10 million at lalayas na ko. Bayad sa lahat ng pagpapakain, pagpapa-aral, at mga araw na nagrereklamo sya na wala ako pera binibigay.

Sana lang talaga marealize nya lahat ng pinang-gagawa nya sa buhay hangga't maaga pa. Ang galing galing nya makisama sa ibang tao pero pagdating sa mga anak nya na nagtitiis sa kanya, wala. Bulag bulagan sa mali. Naghahanap ng butas sa tama.

God bless her!