2:35AM
Did you know the reason why I didn’t tell to all the people around me that I was in a relationship? It’s because I was afraid that one day, iiwan din nya ko. Then it happened nga. And it’s not my forte to tell stories to people when they ask about my lovelife. What will I tell them if one day we broke up? I’m not in showbiz to tell all the details.
I plan to announce it when we’re about to get married so no more dramas and no more gossips.
The promise ring. I gave that as my promise that I will marry her someday - when my financials are already capable to provide all her needs including a house. Pero di nya ko naantay. 😞 I was willing to take the risks and wait her. But she doesn’t want me to wait. In fact, she hated me now.
——
1:35AM
All of a sudden, チャ doesn't want to talk to me. She said, she's moving on. She said, wala raw syang iba. She doesn't even want me to be her friend anymore.
My friend said, "hindi naman magsasabi sayo ang ex mo na meron na syang iba eh". And she advised me na hayaan nalang si チャ. She also said, mag move on narin daw ako and start dating after few months. Sabi ko, di kadali yun. It’s easy to say than done.
Now I am crying (again). For more than 4 years we've been together, alam ko kung badtrip ba sya or highblood. Alam ko paano sya pakalmahin. Alam ko yung mga flaws nya and I love them all. She was my queen. I served her with all my might as her knight. I was so faithful and loyal to her. I always put her first over my friends. Pag kailangan nya ng company, I was always available na samahan sya - despite the distance, hours, and my work schedule. Drove miles and miles para sunduin sya, padalhan sya, or suyuin sya. Tulungan sya sa lahat ng maabot ng makakaya ko. Binigay ko lahat God. But she threw me away just like that.
What did I do wrong to experience all of these? Gusto ko nalang iuntog tong ulo ko para makalimutan yung four years na pinagsamahan namin.
Gusto ko nalang mag-volunteer na ipadala sa outer space even without the assurance na makakabalik pa sa Earth. I don't fucking care! Bring me there!
Even I am sobbing right now, ayaw ko magpatalo sa depression ko. I love myself. No one will love me except me.
Ang tagal ng Aug. Ang tagal ng Oct. Gusto ko na mag-DND at maging busy tong utak ko. Hindi yung pain ng heartbreak ang mas nakakapagpasakit, kung hindi ang memories you shared with the person.
Dahil ba sa pinanganak ako na babae, wala na ko karapatan magmahal ng tunay? Na ang tanging paraan lang para makakilala ako ng taong magmamahal sakin at di ako iiwan ay dapat mayaman at successful ako? Kung yun lang din ang batayan, then will it be! I will be fucking rich! I swear over my dead body. For those people who discriminate people like me, fuck you all! I will make sure that I am richer and more successful than you! I swear in this Universe. All of you fucking bastard who stepped down on people like us, you'll suffer twice as much as we have suffered.
Now, I am looking at myself in the mirror. My sobbing has stopped. Everything has stopped, hopefully my breathe too.
As I wondered around my room, she still has lots of things here. I don't mind. I told her to use this room as her storage. It was OUR room.
——
チャ, wherever you are, I still want and pray for your happiness. Wag ka magpapatalo sa stress at problems ng life na ibabato sayo. I know kaya mo yan. I should've be there to assist you but you chose to leave. Di kita sinisisi sa naging decision mo. I respect it, just like how I respect you since the day nakilala kita. I am sorry if I had flaws and was not capable enough for you in any way. I'm sorry kung hindi ako ka-proud proud sayo. Someday magiging proud ka rin sakin even as your friend. You know what, I am still very proud of you. Lahat ng accomplishments mo at tapang mo to face this life. You had undesirable past, but you didn't let it stop you to achieve your dreams. At dahil dun kahangahanga ka talaga. And that's also the reason kaya mas lalo kita minahal at na-appreciate nun. Dahil sa mga na-experience mo sa life, mas gusto kita alagaan at gabayan. Pero I guess hindi na ko welcome sa life mo. Pero ayos lang, I know you will be fine.
Just always remember this,
When in doubt, pray.
When you need strength, pray.
When you need wisdom to create sound decisions, pray.
Did you know the reason why I didn’t tell to all the people around me that I was in a relationship? It’s because I was afraid that one day, iiwan din nya ko. Then it happened nga. And it’s not my forte to tell stories to people when they ask about my lovelife. What will I tell them if one day we broke up? I’m not in showbiz to tell all the details.
I plan to announce it when we’re about to get married so no more dramas and no more gossips.
The promise ring. I gave that as my promise that I will marry her someday - when my financials are already capable to provide all her needs including a house. Pero di nya ko naantay. 😞 I was willing to take the risks and wait her. But she doesn’t want me to wait. In fact, she hated me now.
——
1:35AM
All of a sudden, チャ doesn't want to talk to me. She said, she's moving on. She said, wala raw syang iba. She doesn't even want me to be her friend anymore.
My friend said, "hindi naman magsasabi sayo ang ex mo na meron na syang iba eh". And she advised me na hayaan nalang si チャ. She also said, mag move on narin daw ako and start dating after few months. Sabi ko, di kadali yun. It’s easy to say than done.
Now I am crying (again). For more than 4 years we've been together, alam ko kung badtrip ba sya or highblood. Alam ko paano sya pakalmahin. Alam ko yung mga flaws nya and I love them all. She was my queen. I served her with all my might as her knight. I was so faithful and loyal to her. I always put her first over my friends. Pag kailangan nya ng company, I was always available na samahan sya - despite the distance, hours, and my work schedule. Drove miles and miles para sunduin sya, padalhan sya, or suyuin sya. Tulungan sya sa lahat ng maabot ng makakaya ko. Binigay ko lahat God. But she threw me away just like that.
What did I do wrong to experience all of these? Gusto ko nalang iuntog tong ulo ko para makalimutan yung four years na pinagsamahan namin.
Gusto ko nalang mag-volunteer na ipadala sa outer space even without the assurance na makakabalik pa sa Earth. I don't fucking care! Bring me there!
Even I am sobbing right now, ayaw ko magpatalo sa depression ko. I love myself. No one will love me except me.
Ang tagal ng Aug. Ang tagal ng Oct. Gusto ko na mag-DND at maging busy tong utak ko. Hindi yung pain ng heartbreak ang mas nakakapagpasakit, kung hindi ang memories you shared with the person.
Dahil ba sa pinanganak ako na babae, wala na ko karapatan magmahal ng tunay? Na ang tanging paraan lang para makakilala ako ng taong magmamahal sakin at di ako iiwan ay dapat mayaman at successful ako? Kung yun lang din ang batayan, then will it be! I will be fucking rich! I swear over my dead body. For those people who discriminate people like me, fuck you all! I will make sure that I am richer and more successful than you! I swear in this Universe. All of you fucking bastard who stepped down on people like us, you'll suffer twice as much as we have suffered.
Now, I am looking at myself in the mirror. My sobbing has stopped. Everything has stopped, hopefully my breathe too.
As I wondered around my room, she still has lots of things here. I don't mind. I told her to use this room as her storage. It was OUR room.
——
チャ, wherever you are, I still want and pray for your happiness. Wag ka magpapatalo sa stress at problems ng life na ibabato sayo. I know kaya mo yan. I should've be there to assist you but you chose to leave. Di kita sinisisi sa naging decision mo. I respect it, just like how I respect you since the day nakilala kita. I am sorry if I had flaws and was not capable enough for you in any way. I'm sorry kung hindi ako ka-proud proud sayo. Someday magiging proud ka rin sakin even as your friend. You know what, I am still very proud of you. Lahat ng accomplishments mo at tapang mo to face this life. You had undesirable past, but you didn't let it stop you to achieve your dreams. At dahil dun kahangahanga ka talaga. And that's also the reason kaya mas lalo kita minahal at na-appreciate nun. Dahil sa mga na-experience mo sa life, mas gusto kita alagaan at gabayan. Pero I guess hindi na ko welcome sa life mo. Pero ayos lang, I know you will be fine.
Just always remember this,
When in doubt, pray.
When you need strength, pray.
When you need wisdom to create sound decisions, pray.
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