Speck of light

Don't know what's happening to me.
I feel like I lost the will to live or I lost my soul somewhere.

Why it feels like life wanted to hurt me every year?

Trauma from my mom's stroke last Dec 2022. My eldest furbaby died last Dec 2023. My eldest sister (not biological) died last Apr 15, 2024.

It seems like life despises me that much. 😞
Why strive to be wealthy if my loved ones will leave me anyway?

——

The home that I might be trying to find for so many years might be really the heaven. When we die, become a speck of light, other souls and angels will welcome us "welcome back home". The joy and freedom will surely be amazing. I want to feel the same too. Free from sufferings and predicaments here on Earth. Why do we exist?

Reason why I couldn’t trust you fully yet 😏

Ayaw ko nalang mag talk. Lalo na kapag perpekto ang kausap mong tao. 😆

🤔

How about date an older woman? I've been with the same age, 5 years younger, and a year younger. How about try older than me? 🤔
But one thing for sure, no born between end of Oct to first weeks of Nov. 😆

If I don't have anything to do, chat will do. It won't end up meeting in person anyway. 😆

I'll just join Joiner Tours and meet new friends. I will feed myself with good vibes, that's all.

Rest in Peace

Peace of mind, why are you so difficult to achieve? How about rest in peace, is it easier?

Why everyday, you're making me feel it's getting harder and harder dealing with all these shits? Work, family-related matters, and romantic relationship.

I used to dream of having to meet a person or a place whom/where I could call "home". Home is where you'll feel free, away from judging eyes, away from criticism, away from energy vampires, away from stress. Home is where I'll feel re-energize and just be who I really am.

Is this going to be just a fantasy? I guess it is since I love Anime and Fantasy games so much that they're living in a world I dream to be living in.

If peace of mind is an impossible dream, rest in peace might work. 😉

Peace of mind my only desire

Yung wala naman talaga ko problem sa life maliban sa credit card bills monthly, makukulit kong alaga, at Shopee.

Pero dahil sabi ni God, "wala ka problema ah. At hobby mo magresolve ng problems ng iba, pwes ibibigay ko sayo problema ng ibang tao at isolve mo."😒

Salamat God ah. 😅 Ganyan nyo ko kamahal, gusto nyo everyday madrain braincells ko. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Cortisol levels ko tumataas dahil sa stress sa ibang tao na wala naman talaga ko control over them. Need ko lang talaga irewire the way I think and the way I receive their everyday garbage, not to absorb but ignore them.

God, peace of mind, the only desire of my heart. Peace of mind for my family and loved ones.

May I and my loved ones be granted with the complete peace of mind. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen!

I lift everything back to you oh God

Lord, what happened?

For an instant, the demon took over our mind and body. Maybe this what happens when God is not the center of your relationship.

I've been abused verbally and physically. Well, she was at some way. Everybody knows that it's not healthy anymore to be together.

God, babalik na naman ba ako sa umpisa? 😅 Wala na ko nakeep na relationship. It was tiring, taking care of myself, my furbabies, then someone else. Haha. Maybe it's not for me. I'd rather be single? What you think? I have to improve myself first.

This is the first step. I'll do solo travels, starts with Taiwan. Haha! Goodluck to me. But it would be revitalizing. (Forgot the right term)

I got to sleep. I have a medical early tomorrow morning.

Please keep Carol safe oh God. Kahit na nag-away kami at wala na kami, minahal ko naman sya. Please be with her and keep her away from any harm. Amen!

No more chasing pavements 😆

If previously, I get excited to go somewhere with my partner… Now, I don't care at all.

If previously, I'll chase my partner wherever she'll run to… Now, I don't care at all.

If previously, I get concern whatever she'll do… Now, I don't care at all.

I am putting back my wall.
Self-love. Self-respect.
If I've never use Pride, then I'll use it now.
Had to remind myself to never chase people again. I learnt the hard way.
No explanations needed.

To Carol

Hi,

I'm shocked that we made this far, 3 years.
I don't know what happened but we both know our relationship is going down hill. My one mistake, you never have forgiven it as if we're married couple. You don't see me as a partner anymore since then but an enemy.

Now, I've realized, I'm done doing everything I could. I remember myself saying, "I don't wanna be the old Rove anymore, chasing the people who don't even like me around in the first place. I'm better off alone." No more pleasing anyone. Done compromising, done lowering myself down. I tried putting down my walls for you and letting you see my vulnerabilities. It turned out, you didn't like my bad side or vulnerable side at all. I should have not put my guards down. If I will, 25% or just for you to see me speak will be enough.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for making me realize that I cannot love a person anymore just like what I did in the past. They'll just hurt me.

Relationship, if ever finds me again, will be just my playground and past time. No more getting serious or anything. Back to enjoying myself.

——

God, I know this is not like you. But please help me put my guards up again. And whatever happens, cannot be break by anyone. Thank you and I love you. And most of all, I'm sorry.

Heck of a life

Papagod na ko… paulit ulit nalang..

Masaya, malungkot, madrama, failure, etc.
Nakakaubos lang ng energy..boring pa.

Ayaw ko na magcontinue sa life. Wala naman sense.

Pag nag suicide ako, lahat ng insurance ko ay maiinvalidate. Kahit yung mga MIR ng loans nakapagalan sakin, invalidate rin. And my family has to pay for them. Hmmm.. for the sufferings I felt from the world, I think it's justified to give it back to the world.