One day

Dear God,

I commit to you my heart and my mind - and also my lovelife.

Haha. Masyado na ko nasaktan. Well, hindi na ko nadala. "If a person once treated you like you were nothing, he or she will do it again in the future."

In the past, napakadali lang sa kanya lokohin ako. At napakadali lang din sa kanya sabihin sakin na "break na tayo". I believe her when she said, she'll change for the better - 180 degrees. But how stupid am I to believe na hindi na madali sa kanya sabihin yung "break na tayo". Haha. I guess, once in your life, makaka-encounter ka talaga ng tao na madali lang sa kanila bitawan ang mga salita na big deal.

And Rove..self-respect. I guess it's really high time to move on. When I said "move on", it's not just forgetting your love and care for the person. It might be still there, you care for the person. But there are times that one way to show care for the person is to leave out of his/her life.

I should love myself by spending more time with people who have high standards and have the desire to improve. People who are honest and genuine. People who have morals and respect.

I should surround myself with people who are afraid to lose me. Even for once, I should find this person. And settle with her.

God, help me. Show me the right path I should walking at. Please don't let me go astray, Holy Spirit.

I love you God, Christ, and Holy Spirit. I commit my life, my heart, and my mind to you.

I am very confident and optimistic that one day, I'll meet that one woman who will respect, cherish, and honor me. And I will do the same to her.

"When in doubt, pray."

Amen!

I believe in you. One day, your day will come.

Why am I still here?

Am I stupid enough not to stand on my own and blindly chasing you?

I guess not. Because I still believe in you.

Once my presence is completely gone and out of sight, that's the moment I'm already out of your life.

I just want to guide you as long as I still can.

But still, I'm just a human being. All things have its end, even my patience. Haha.

One day, you'll meet the person na para talaga sayo. Yung taong hindi mo gaganituhin. Yung taong hindi mo bibitawan ng mga salita ng hindi nagiisip. Yung taong hindi mo paglalaruan ang damdamin. Yung taong rerespetuhin mo yung presence nya. Yung taong i-aadore mo at magiging honest and faithful ka. One day, makikilala mo sya. At marerealize mo yung mga pagkakataon na pinagsamahan natin. Itetreasure mo sya more than you did to me.

I believe in you. Na one day, mag mamature ka. Na one day, you'll grow up. Na one day, you will respect every relationship.

I'm finally signing off. I can no longer give you another chance to be my partner/gf nor fiancé/future wife. I've given you a chance but you blew it off, again. I'm not a toy, especially not your toy. We all deserve someone who will respect and treasure us.

Goodbye my lover. How are you my forever friend.

Getting over...

I am still being haunted by the memories of cheating and lies. I was supposed to get over it, started in Jul 2019 not until チャ reconnected again with her affair last Dec 2019. Now, everything goes back to zero again. The memories returned. I have to forgive again and again. I have to forget again and again. Why am I doing this in the first place?

I deserve a respectable, faithful, loyal, and consistent woman. And that woman deserves a hardworking, faithful, loyal, and respectable person like me.

After 10 months of breakup, we got back together again. She was the one who asked me. And without second thought, I said yes. Can I trust her again? I guess yes but not 100%. I became more sensitive and cautious. I now trust my instinct more than any words I can hear from anyone.

One of my goals is to buy a lot in a subdivision and build my own house. I'm no longer planning long term for the "two of us". It's now more of a generic - that whoever be the woman I'm gonna marry, she's the one I'll bring home. Well, I used to plan a future with チャ. I worked my ass off just to bring her to all places around the world, provide her needs and sometimes wants, etc, thinking that she's the one I'm gonna marry. But everything was a lie. I was so stupid and naive for 2 years. Let God take care of her. She said, she turned 180 degrees from the old self she's been. It's not that I don't believe her, but let's see. Two years of probation was reset back to zero. We all need a consistent person - a person whose actions are the same with his/her words. For the next two years, I will not close my doors for any possibilities - especially if God intend it to happen. If God, one day, show me the woman He's been preparing for so long for me, I've got to be ready. And now, I'm no longer giving my all to the person I'm currently in a relationship with. I wanna make sure that there are always more for me.

Once you know your worth, you no longer beg for someone else's love, attention, and loyalty.

I don't wanna look back and repeat the same mistakes I had. I will only glance at the past to remind me of the things I experienced and of course, lessons learned. I can no longer be 100% sure of my future. I will only get hold of the things that are within my control. For the things that are beyond my control, let God take care of them.

More cautious,
Wiser,
More self-lover,
Rove

So help me God.

Union of 2 persons

While waiting for the food at the reception, saw the guest dedication book with the couple's prenup pics. Bigla ko nakaramdam ng takot for myself. Bigla ako natakot ikasal. 😆

Not only because my pocket is not ready yet. 😆 But parang I got scared na baka maling tao mapili ko at masaktan ulit ako. Well, you cannot blame me. I just got from a relationship that failed many times or a relationship that was cheated on. I think I became more defensive now. Most of all, became wiser. I cannot give my 100% yet not until I'm 101% sure.

If it will be another person, I will not be afraid. Of course, I will not still give my 100% not until I prove that she's pure in heart, faithful, honest, and sincere. If it's gonna be チャ, I'm sorry but I cannot marry her yet (if this is where we're going to). You know, it's easier to love someone new than to go back to your past. You may love the person again but it's difficult to trust her the way you used to trust her.

Just what I said, I need at least 2 years to prove that she has changed to a faithful, loyal, honest, and sincere person. But that "time counter" resets every time she re-connects to her affair, Jake. It was exactly 5mos from the time they last talked, then she talked to him again. It did not happened once, but many times - always reconnecting. So how will I be able to trust her completely when her words are contradicting to her actions? If only she did not cheat on me (worst part: had multiple sex with the same guy), I am already 100% confident that she's the woman I wanna marry. And moreover, I should have already proposed to her on our 4th yr anniversary - or will propose on our 5th anniversary. But now, none of these are in my thoughts anymore. Yes, I love チャ now. But wanting her to be my life partner or wife, no. How can you marry a person who just recently had sex with someone else (cheating)? His fluids are still inside her. 🤮 I don't wanna share any of that. Also, I deserve a pure with clean intention, loyal, faithful, honest, and consistent woman, right? I'm not God so I cannot judge. I know God and Christ have already forgiven her, and so do I. But it doesn't mean I can trust her 100% again. I'm already at the phase wherein I tend to be sensitive to topics like "affairs, cheating, flirting, non-committal sex." Because they just happened to me recently! I really need チャ to have at least 2 years of clean and consistent track before I can finally prove she's different. If she cannot turn her back 180deg from her past wrong doings, then I have no choice but to leave. I cannot barred myself from meeting the woman God is preparing for me and be happy. Now, only God can tell me whether to marry チャ or not. Because, if it's just me, I don't want. If you can’t wait for 2 years, you don’t deserve my forever.

It's better to wait long than to marry wrong. I'm already at the age na dapat mas cautious na ko sa taong pipiliin ko makasama for life. But I know full well that my God will not let me go to the wrong hands. I know my God will give me to the pure in spirit, honest, faithful, and Godly person. I trust you God. Please keep me away from the people that only want to hurt me. Please let me know God if that person has arrived as I will give myself 100% again.

——

To the woman God is preparing for me,

Please wait. Those are only earthly desires. Resist them as much as you could. Stay pure, truthful, honest, faithful, and Godly. One day, when we finally meet, I promise to give my 100%. I will make you happy and give everything you deserve. I will wait for you. And hopefully, you are too. ☺️ When in doubt, just pray.

Yours, R

You really wanted to be in a relationship? Ha!

Jan 5. I unintentionally said “yes” to チャ after she asked me to be her bf again. 😐 If I delayed my mouth for 5 secs, I should have said, “no, not yet”.

Sana hindi ko to pagsisihan. The memories of betrayal and pain are still there, lingering. Why? The last time I discovered it was July 2019. From there, I need 2 years to prove that she has changed for the better. But unfortunately, I found some revelations last month after Christmas - exactly after 4-5 months (exactly based on her historical data of cheating). It was not only once they had sex but multiple times! Then I have to learn to forgive again multiple times! Moreover, when I thought everything seems going well already. Well, it’s not. I found that she was having a chat with the same ugly guy under a code name in her phonebook as “okaasan”. 

So from July 2019, she had to start all over again to win my trust. When I was already at the good track of forgetting everything, she made it fresh again. She reminded me again how painful it was and how unfaithful and disloyal she was.

チャ may have already secured me in a relationship again, but I will still not give my 100% to her just like what I did in the past. Lesson learned.

(How many times does she need to reconnect with Jake before to finally decide to stop what has to be stopped?) 
For me, I don’t care anymore if Jake will be her bf. “When you have started valuing yourself, you don’t give a fuck to disloyal, unfaithful, and cheaters.“ Moreover, it’s not my loss. It will never be. 😏 If ever チャ decided to be with him, hope it will be sooner and faster as I don’t want to waste my time and money anymore to these kind of people.

“Birds of the same feather flock together.”

And I will never be the same as them. I’m not a bird, I’m a lion. 😎 If チャ really wanted to change, she has to double the effort and be consistent. So far, her track is still 4-5months. Probably on Apr or May, she’ll talk to him again, saying excuses like, “I want to end things with him properly.” How many times do you need to end things with someone?! If part of you really wanted to go back, go! Do it fast! Let’s not waste each other’s time. My time is diamond, not just gold. I hate to waste my time to lowlife people like liars and cheaters. 

The other night, I cannot find his FB. Maybe he blocked チャ. Now, I can easily find it in her FB. I blocked him. Let’s see if one of these days, she’ll unblock him. From there, I will know that she does want to get back with her affair. Then it will be one of my proofs and reasons to break up with her. I won’t be afraid anymore, if the reason is her cheating.

———

I so love myself para paghinayangan ang mga taong ganito. 😏 Lalo na I have started fucking loving myself again? Haha! 
Relationship priority: God > Me > My family and furbabies > Friends > (insert jowa). 😆

God, please keep me away from the people who’s only desire is to hurt me. I commit myself to you. Despite the tragedies and bad experiences, you are still there teaching me. May Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit guide me throughout this life. Thank you. Amen!

Hide the truth

Within 5 months, I fell in love again with my ex. I just don't want to admit it but I'd like to court her, ask her to be my gf again, be my fiancé, and be my future wife. But I am so afraid na lokohin at saktan ulit by the same person. And I'm also afraid to hurt her again. Kaya I kept convincing myself that I only love her as a person, a bestfriend, and a family.

Kaya for her sake, I must let her go without her knowing anything. In no time, she'll overcome this and finally move on. As for me, moving on is not uncommon.

——

If one day, are you going to regret letting her go again?

A: No. I know she'll be fine and she can achieve her dreams and goals without me. I only want the best for her. As long as she'll do great, I don't have to worry anything. God will take good care of her.

A welcome morning post

I salute you Coach! Kaya ka naging coach eh. 😎

Also, when you truly love someone and you don't want to cause anymore pain to that person, you will let him/her go.

To チャ

Dear チャ,

You know that I love you as my bestfriend and a family. I think malaki kana at kaya mo na sarili mo. And I think you don't need my help anymore. Thank you sa pagpapatira sakin ng around 5mos or so. 😊 I will never take against you kung bigla mo na ko pinapalayas. I respect your decision and it's my fault naman.

I know you will do great and you will achieve your dreams in the future.

Good luck and God bless! I pray for your success in life. 😊

Let this be my opportunity

Maybe, I really have a problem.

I have to deal with myself alone, just like what I always do.

I wanna go back to the time I was so contented and happy being alone. Only me and my computer games. I have more time to think and reflect on my life when it's just me. I wanna go back to the time where I was a kid whom I don't need any human being as company.

God, heal me. Let year 2020 be my opportunity to grow mentally, emotionally, financially.

Thank you God.

All my trust is in You

There are lots of uncertainties this year 2020.

Whether チャ has really changed for good and I can give her another chance to my heart.

Whether I will still purchase a home (condo unit) for myself.

Whether I will be able to buy a lot in Puerto big enough for my inn business.

Whether I will be able to sustain my education while going on travels with family and チャ.

There are uncertainties in my life - in my career, in love life, in future business aspirations.

What I can only do is to trust Him, no matter what. And lay it all upon Him. When in doubt, pray. And I can all things through Christ who gives me strength. God, Christ, and Holy Spirit will not let me go astray and be devastated again, I know.

Which ones are even true?

We don't have a theme song nor I have a song dedicated for her. So this means, I shouldn't care more if she's not the woman I've been dreaming to be my wife. 😏

Well, I just love her. Maybe as a family and as a person. But I no longer dream of her as my wife. And I'm also unable to imagine a future with her anymore. Past is past. She's not the person to die for anymore (she used to when I was so madly crazy about her). All the good memories we had, in an instant, they don't matter anymore and it turned out, they were all just lies. I don't even know anymore which memories we had are true. And I still cannot forget the years she was cheating on me for the same person. Worse, they been having sex many times (It's really against my belief). And what's even worst? I was so stupid not to notice that I've been lied to for 3 years. 2017-2019 are the years I was crushed and treated as an asshole. I've been giving my all, even finances, thinking she'll be my future wife. But what she did? She just used me, a backup or a past time.

This time, just like what I always say to myself from the 2nd half of 2019, "never again". I've learned my lessons. The truth I've found out are the reminders of not to entrust my heart to her again. I've learned my value and I will not bow down to anyone ever again. This experience I had with relationships made me wiser and stronger. I deserve a loyal and faithful person. This time, I will put myself first above all then my family. I'll put my trust 101% to God. My God will put me back on the track whenever I steer away. 

——

My future queen,

Please be patient. Great things happen to those who wait. And I will wait for you. You deserve to be waited, my future wife. From now on, I will cleanse my mind and body from any malicious and temptations. I will wait for the day we'll exchange vows then I'll offer my whole self to you.