At the end of the day...

My ハニー. Each day, she’s becoming more and more beautiful.
I declare in God’s name that she’ll be my future wife. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I love you my ハニー. 😘

.......

Ouch...

Hint and Hope

God,

I lay down to you everything I have. Everything I think and feel, I cast then all upon you.

Kayo na po bahala sa nararamdaman ko para kay ハニー. I love ハニー so much. But I don't have any idea kung mahal din ba nya ko or may nararamdaman din sya para sakin kahit kaunti. I wanna know if it's just a one-way relationship. You know that I'm giving my all. I am giving the most precious and more expensive thing than money which is my TIME.

Is it worth my time?
Is it worth fighting for?

Please give me a hint. Please let me know, God. Give me hope.

Till then.

Sadness is inevitable

What's the hardest thing?

1. Nanliligaw sa taong gusto mo but likes you even a little.
2. Iniiwasan ka ng taong mahal mo.
3. Busted ka ng nililigawan mo.
4. Nakipaghiwalay sayo jowa mo.
5. Nililigawan mo ex mo na ang trato sayo ay parang kayo parin pero hindi kayo.

5!!!! You don't know where you are in his/her heart/mind. You were treated special (e.g. hold hands, hugs, intimate concern, etc like what couples do), but hindi kayo. When you ask, "what's my status to you?" The always answer is "I don't know."

Hindi ko alam kung may pag-asa ba ko or dapat ko na ba tigilan kasi walang pag-asa as I was not given a chance kahit ano gawin ko.

Chance. The only thing I am asking for. Chance to prove myself. Chance to prove my worth. But if the person is already close-minded, talo na ko bago pa mag-start ang laban.

I don't know. Now, I'm confused. Maybe I just need to take it slowly and just relax. Then bahala na kung ano mangyari. I don't have to push myself further if it's not being appreciated.

"Never chase love. If it isn't given freely, it is worthless." -Paulo Coelho

At some point, I don't agree with it. Forgiveness is love. In order to be forgiven, one has to pay the price. Then love has a price.

But yes, God is love. God is free. Even the poorest person can go to God. Then love is free.

Where any kind of medicine doesn't cure your sadness.

Goodnight!

When waiting does hurt

Happened to saw these pinned in my organizer.
Then I just thought, “Kelan kaya babalik sa buhay ko ハニー ko?”

Now, I am missing my ハニー. 😞
Not the person I am with from time to time but the ハニー who is in love with me too. 😞

P.S. Despite taking meds, couldn’t help but to drip some tears everytime I think I can’t make ハニー fall in love with me again.

Enjoy the company

I had a trip with my はぴねづ。We trekked Mt. Ulap.

I am so happy as we spent long hours together. I showed her how much I cared for her. Hugged her. Held her hands. Told "I love you". I am so happy.

My ハニー asked me why do we need to enter into a romantic relationship. Why do we love? I don't have the specific answer but all I know is, my ハニー is my はぴねす. I want her to be happy and to smile always. I don't have any idea until when I can make her happy but I will do it as long as I live. And hopefully, in the future, when God and time permit it, she'll be able to see my efforts and reciprocate my love. For now, I just have to enjoy the company.

Till then.

P.S. Pics be posted soon in my FB. 😁

Chill. No label.

Yung feeling na kasama mo na yung taong mahal mo.
The way you hold each other's arms and hands.
Take pictures together like a couple.
You date together and eat outside.
Shop together with the family.
Sleep together while hugging each other.

But hindi pala kayo...

*sigh*

No status. No label. "MU" what millennials describe it. Chill lang daw. In short, "magulong usapan". Lol.

Well, ayaw ng ハニー ko ng commitment. And here I am, waiting for it to be official.

*sigh*

Why do I need it to be official? There are things we're not allowed to do if we're not legal partners.

There are no "I love yous". There are no kisses.

I think, we're like bestest of bestfriends now. It's not bad though. And hopefully in the future, sagutin na nya ko. And hopefully, maniwala na sya sakin na things have changed and I'm doing my best to not be the same person again (I'm taking meds now, that's why).

Till then.

P.S. It takes a lot of me to confess my feelings. If it is rejected/disregarded, ouch. Haha!

Love, what is it?

My ハニー said, ayaw nya muna ng commitment. Because previously, she felt like na nasasakal sya.

I tell you. My ハニー, when she fell in love, she gives everything what she has up to her last piece. Hindi sya nagtitira kahit kaunti para sa sarili nya. Kaya madalas, she feels empty afterwards. That's her flaw.

This is also the reason why, I shouldn't accept everything she has to offer. To always remind myself to remind her that she also needs something for herself.

I felt sad of course when she said it. But instead of thinking sorrowful, I got to be thankful. Thankful that she still talk to me despite to what happened.

And I am just hoping that my actions will pierce through her heart and her mind that I am worthy of her love. And I deserve another chance.

P.S. I've read so many advices and articles with regards to relationships to avoid toxicity. I even wrote some of them, just to remind myself.

I suck... 😔

You know what.

I'm dying to ask my ハニー about our real score or our current status. I wanted to ask kung may pag-asa ba ko na magkabalikan kami. I want to know my status sa kanya, kung ano ba ko sa kanya currently.

Waaaah! I'm dying to ask it!!! But I'm afraid to ask it. T_T what should I do... I don't want to just ask it via online. I want to do it in person.. But I'm afraid!!! Waaaaah!!! Natatameme ako pag iniisip ko palang. Nalulunok ko nalang mga gusto ko sabihin. 😔

I suck big time... *sigh*

愛

私のこころ。私のハニー。私の愛。

ハニー worth the wait

Konting push nalang...
You will eventually win her heart again.
Just don't give-up, not yet.

Always remember:
ハニー is your 'once in a lifetime 女の子' and your はぴねす.

It will take time but be patient.
ハニー is worth the wait. 😉

Thoughts about ハニー

When will I going to see my ハニー again? It's already a week since the last time we saw each other. There are things I wanted to tell and ask.

It feels like I wanna give up.

"Hey Rove! Don't give up! That's your ハニー. You'll win her heart again, soon. Just don't give up. Habang may buhay, may pag-asa."

*sigh* I don't know. What does she feel about me? Are we on the same page? Or almost the same page? Does she like me even just a little? I want to know.

"You'll know it eventually. Just don't give up. ハニー is your happiness. If you give up your happiness, you have also given up life."

Okay. I will not give-up, even it will take years!

"But we hope, not years. Haha!"

Writing from a secluded place

I tried going on a solo nature trip. Well, I was bored to death. No signal, no internet. Nothing to do just to eat and sleep. Anyway, I need this to train myself to go outside my comfort zone - be on a solo trip with no one to talk to and be just by myself with the nature.

I want to reflect about my life. How I was so critical with myself about achieving goals. Critical that I was beginning to choke myself and the people I love. And I just told myself, I might as well, just go YOLO. I dont have a higher salary? Who cares! I live with my parents now? Who cares? 

I also want to discern my feelings and intentions for you, my ハニー. I wanted to know if I pursue because sanay lang ako kasama ka or I pursue you because I really like you. 

Well, narealize ko na pede sigurong sanay lang ako kasama ka. Pero I have family, siblings, and pamangkins. Then I dont pursue you because of that. I pursue you because I really like you. I pursue you dahil I imagine myself living together with you, getting married with you, and having family with you in the future.

Maybe, takot ka sa marriage. Well, lahat naman siguro, kahit ako. First of all, practicality. Gastos sa marriage and honeymoon tapos pag naghiwalay, gagastos naman sa divorce. Then another thing, emotional investment. Masakit kaya pag nagseparate ways. Minsan gugustuhin mo nalang mawala sa mundo para lang di mo maramdaman sakit. 

Pero, we dont have to get married right away. It'll take time. Lalo na pag both of us ay ready na. But I would like you to know na, I am always here sa tabi mo. I will love and take care of you till my last breathe.

Please be my one in a lifetime woman.

Please be my one and only queen.

Please be my future wife.

I love you and I miss you.

Then my question is, may pag-asa paba ko 

-LR-

Fail when it comes to love

For the past few days, I've read so many materials from the internet - forum, blogs, articles - about love advices

How to win back someone's heart?
What does it mean when s/he said "I need time for myself."?
Etc. etc.

I'm best when I give other people advices. But advising myself to do this and that, quite difficult. I couldn't apply it to myself. :(

I'm not expert when it comes to courting or loving someone. In the end, I'm a "certified torpe". *sigh* I easily give-up after few tries and when it seems like the person I show my intention to doesn't like me at all. :(

This is the real me - "torpe", "duwag", "hopeless romantic". *sigh* Maybe I'm better off alone.. Back to where I used to be - just staring from afar.

-hopeless torpe-

Time for a solo trip

I'll be going on a solo trip tomorrow.
After my check-up, I'll go straight there.

A time off from everything.
A time for me to reflect on my life.
A time to think whether it's still worth it to live.
A time to think the next plan if I'll choose to continue.
A time to discern my true feelings for ハニー.

A time for myself to connect with the origin.

Fight fight fight!

Hi,

I am not well.

Aside from depression, I think I have Paranoid Personality Disorder. All the symptoms, they are all "yes". I will confirm it on Saturday check-up.

Sometimes, I just wanted to shut off my mind. I imagined so much that I hurt myself, eventually hurt the person I love.

Why am I like this? Why my mind is thinking too much that are not true anymore?

Sometimes, I want to shut myself in a secluded place where no cellphone, television, laptop, nor anyone that I can hurt verbally or physically.

"Rove, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. Fight! Don't give up! You need to fight! Everything will be over soon. Okay?"

Please respect my decision, God

I have decided oh God.

If I couldn't get back my happiness, I will just end this life. I'm sorry. No reason for me to go on. And I guess you know it fully - "happiness is a way to living".

I've already have my timeline. I have 2 weeks to do all my best to chase my happiness. I don't care if I don't have a car. I don't care if I only have 27 pesos in my wallet. And I don't care kung wala pang sweldo.

It's now or never!

What Ifs

Couldn't sleep. I'm having imaginations. The "what ifs".

What if di ko kinaya na wala sya within 2 weeks, do you think I will still proceed with my D-Day?

Ghie told me earlier to look for my happiness. And narealize ko, sya ang happiness ko.

What if I lose the will to live on the 2nd week after trying so hard and fighting so hard, since wala na yung happiness ko?

What if I'll be involve in an accident at ang isa kong paa ay nasa hukay, sasabihin nya kaya sakin ang totoong nararamdaman nya?

What if kung di na nya ko talaga mahal suddenly, kakayanin ko kaya and malalampasan ang 2 weeks?

What if I have a terminal illness at di ko sa kanya pinaalam, magagalit kaya sya na hindi ko sinabi? Dadalawin nya kaya ko sa ospital kahit sa huling araw ko?

What if yung happiness ko ay hindi na pala ako ang happiness?

I have so many 'what ifs'. But I will do anything I can to fight for my happiness. And good luck to me for the next 2 weeks. Judgement day after 2 weeks. :)

Spare me

God,

Kung ayaw mo talaga kami magkatuluyan - as in ayaw na ayaw - pero gusto mo ko mag continue mabuhay, I have one condition: wag na wag kana magpapakilala sakin ng kahit sino.

Ayaw ko na! Kung may isang bagay ako na gusto mag-quit, ito na yun. I quit falling in love!

Nasabi ko na lahat lahat ng laman ng utak at puso ko sa taong mahal ko. Wala na kong mukha pang maihaharap pa. Ni kausapin friends nya at maging honest sa kanila, nagawa ko na. And you know it's not the usual me. Lahat ng pride at kahihiyan, nilunok ko na. Masabi lang sa kanya kung gaano ko sya kamahal at kagusto. Pero after nito, kung ayaw mo parin, I quit!

Never ever me introduce or introduce someone to me anymore! Si Rhian Ramos man yan o si Yuri or si Yoona or si Emma Watson. I quit to the thing you called "love". Hindi ko na icocontinue ipagpray sa inyo na sana bigyan nyo ko ng partner na "till death do us part".

60 years old na ko bago pa ko makaka-move on totally, kung sakali. Tao lang ako. Hindi ako diyos na sa isang iglap, kaya ko kalimutan lahat.

Buong buong ako, naibigay ko na sa mahal ko - mapakatawan man o kaluluwa. Wala na! Di ko na kaya gawin yan ulit sa iba at ayaw ko na!

Please God. Spare me.

-Rove

Quick prayer

God,

With no regrets. Nasabi ko na lahat ng gusto ko sabihin sa taong mahal ko. I know di pa enough yun. Dahil physical presence mas importante. Haaay. Kung hindi lang ako banned sa condo nila, kanina pa ko tumutuktok sa pinto nila at kanina ko pa sya niyakap.

Ang hirap talaga magmahal no? Pero kung yung pagmamahal na yun ang magbibigay sayo ng happiness, why not chase it?

Gusto ko sana umabot kami sa sinasabi nilang "7 years then be unbreakable". I already have plans - when to propose, when to get married, where to get married, where to settle down, etc.

Masama po ba mangarap? Hindi ko po ba deserve magkaroon ng happiness? I don't think about money much pag kasama ko sya. Yolo. And it's a good thing for my mental health.

Siguro hindi kami compatible? I have this mental illness and CPA target nya. Magiging pabigat lang ako sa kanya. Baka maging care giver or supporter ang labas nya sakin, ayaw ko. I dont want to be a burden.

Now, I have accepted the help of my few friends para maging better ako. I might need na talaga ng medical help (e.g. check-up, meds). Kasi kung gugustuhin ko makasama yung taong mahal ko habang buhay, I need to improve.

Thank you God. And Im sorry. Please give me hope to live and to love.

-Rove

Reasons to stay strong

“It’s easy to say than done.” But I really appreciate all of your concerns and help. I don’t know how to pay you in return. - all the kindness and support. But I will surely pay you in the future. I love you guys. —- “When everyone has already given up on you, there are still few people who have not.”

Soon people will forget you

It's going to end soon. All the pains and sufferings.

P.S. I'm not going to kill myself just mainly because someone broke up with me. Well, partly. But more than that, that person was my bestfriend. The only person left in this world I trusted to so much. More than I trust my family, more than I trust my friends, and more than I trust myself.

Sya lang ang dahilan kung bakit ako tumagal dito sa mundong ito. Dahil lagi nya ko sinasabihan na, "walang aayaw". Pero truth hurts, umayaw sya.

Sino pa pagkakatiwalaan ko?

Sorry God. I love you but you didn't give me what I kept praying for - someone who will I trust my everything. Someone who will encourage me to live, understand me, and never give up on me. That's my only long time wish and prayer to you, but you never did.

#randomthought

What if
Can I just resign?
Pack up some clothes
Then buy a one-way ticket to somewhere far?

I can end up being a TNT. But who cares?
As long as I'll be in a place where no one knows me, I'm fine.

#randomthought

I might do this if I will choose to live than committing suicide. Tutal naman, there's no more reason for me to stay here. My ハニー who I thought would be with me through thick or thin has finally left me with no trace.

#ktnxbye

Securing thyself temporarily

Holding my own hand...

Feels like someone is loving me...

Can I also hug myself? 😆
I think I need it.

Wondering

Can I be honest with my special one?

Pag nagalit sya sakin, automatic unfriend and block ginagawa nya. Pero pag sa friends nya sya nagalit, di lang nya sasagutin sa chat.

Pag nagtatampo sya sa friend nya, sandali lang. Pero pag sakin, it will be forever.

Isang araw lang ba kami nagkasama para itapon nya sa isang iglap lahat ng pinagsamahan namin?

Hindi ko pa ba sya kilala? Ano ba ang worth ko sa kanya. Worthy enough ba ko para ipaglaban? Or I'm just enough to kill someone's time?

Di ko alam. There are so many questions. I want to know everything mula sa kanya. Pero hindi ako binibigyan ng chance makita at makausap sya.

In the end, wala rin ako magagawa. Let life stumble upon itself. And let my time be faster enough to reach the end.

My poor sister

I'm here with Venice at Sta Lu, having a check-up. Doctor will arrive at 1:30pm. Nurse told me to come back at 2pm.
Went up.. looking for a place to sit on.
Venice asked me to buy her food. Pointing food everywhere.
I have no money in my wallet. I only have my CC to get me through.

Then I realized, even to my youngest sister, I am worthless.

What did I do good in the first place?

It’s okay, that’s love

Let's surrender Rove.

For the very few people who you became honest with, someone has already given up on you.

Tal, Ghie, Cha, Kate, and Innah...

Since you don't seek help from the doctor and you doubt trusting a doctor, you only have these people's words for you to trust and hold on into. Their words can either make or break you.

But as I said, one of them already gave on you and that means, it's also okay to give up, right?

You can't blame anyone of them as it's also tiring talking to you. Maybe they don't really understand what you're going through? Or maybe, they are just one of the many people who think depression is just plain drama and an attention seeker? Maybe yes, maybe no. You don't know.

But all I know, one of them has already given up on you. And it's now okay to give up. You deserve a rest. :)

...

The feeling of

Convincing oneself each day that
"You're okay."
"You'll do good today."
"Everything will be fine."

But at the end of the day, you'll think

"Am I really okay?"
"Did I really do good today"?
"Was everything really fine?"

I'm crazy. I'm not okay. I need help but I can't seem to know what kind of help I need.

Rest I desire

Pagod na pagod na ko.

Ayaw ko na umiyak.

Ayaw ko na magsalita.

Ayaw ko na.

Ayaw ko kunin sarili kong buhay.

Pero pagod na pagod na ko.

Gusto ko na magpahinga.

Fooling thyself

I now know what to do.

Kim Jonghyun, thank you for the idea. It will still be my original plan.

I still have the charcoal. I just don't have yet a reliable source of fire. I'll buy soon the camping stove. This is my last tool. And it will just be a matter of time when to execute the plan.

Night wind breeze. When was the last time I felt it?
Too bad I'll never have this again - maybe on the other side?

If only I'm not tired and bored with "living". Each day, I was trying to convince myself that "living" is magnificent. Well, maybe, I am just fooling myself. The pain, suffering, and boredom are still there, sitting on the corner, waiting for the right time to devour me. And when they do, I have no choice but to give in, since I'm already tired.

I want to rest

I am running out of reasons to live...

Career is failing...
No savings nor investments...
27 and is still dependent to parents...
Not a good older sister...
Only causing trouble to people I love...

What's good about living?
Everything are just the same...in circles.
I am tired...so tired.
I want to rest...

Get a life Rove!

Itigil na natin tong kalokohan na to Rove.

Mukhang pinagpipilitan mo lang sarili mo sa kanya.

Nasa bakasyon sya, nag eenjoy sya.

Masaya sya na wala ka.

Kaya tigilan mo na pagiging martyr mo.

Get a life!

My sweet baby

I was playing Wordscapes then I cough severely. I was coughing for 2 mins and during this time, my Tiger went to me meowing then laid down beside me. He's now pressing my arm with his paw, looks like saying, "Are you okay? Don't worry, I'll be just right here."

Drink till dead （≧∇≦）

When you joined your parents in their "inuman hours". I do mine inside the room but the same time as theirs.

3/4 bottle done.

I love my babies. They are very supportive.

Depression, for eternity

When you are battling a mental issue which is depression, it's difficult to trust a person and just say whatever you want. It's because, not all people understand you. The only people who understand you are the people who are undergoing the same battle.

If you don't know the feeling, it's difficult for you to understand what it feels like to have a depression. You don't know why the depressed person suddenly cries or suddenly gets offended with the old jokes. It's difficult. And this is the reason why depressed people are just quiet and trying their best not to show their emotions - suppressing them all inside.

As for me, I finally have Kate and Innah. I was hesitant at first to tell them what I am going through: my mental health, mood swings due to attacks, etc. But when I told them I have depression, I can see that they are deeply trying to understand me and help me cope up. They have researched of what to do. They don't pressure me to talk it out but re-assure me that they are always there whenever I want someone to talk to. They are even willing to meet me ASAP and hang out though we still have work. I really appreciate their concerns. But I prefer not to bother them.

For depressed people, it's not common that we find normal people who are trying their best to understand. We, depressed people, prefer to keep everything inside in order to protect ourselves. Because we know, when we opened up, we will become vulnerable to any simple hurt or pain from the person whom we opened up with.

Innah once told me that once you have a depression, it will never be healed permanently. Once you have it, you'll have episodes in your entire life. It will never be gone once tuned down. It will keep coming back. You just need a lifetime support to overcome it. She got it from the doctor of her sister who has a depression too. Good thing, she has her siblings who can pay for her therapy and meds.

As for me, I only have myself, my faith in God, and few chosen friends.

I'm already tired honestly. But I have no choice as of the moment, but to keep still.

Priorities change when entering a relationship

Thank you for reminding me about the wall.

You know what, Wednesday night, my mom told me that my younger sister is pregnant. I just told her, "Yeah I know. I was just waiting for her to tell it to me."

Of course, my mom got angry. Talo kami eh. Samin ang babae. Mom told me my dad cried.

All the chaos, since then, has not given me much impact. I just messaged my sister and her boyfriend that I am not angry. Tama na yung mga magulang ang nagalit. And they just follow what my mom said. As for me, I am just disappointed.

Disappointment. You feel it when your expectation was not met.

Pero dahil slow akong tao, all the hurts and pains from a bad news, it will take days before mag sink in sakin. And now, I'm finally realizing it. Or better yet, I was suppressing all the emotions since that day. Telling myself that I am okay and should not be a big deal.

Memories of me and my younger sister came in, little by little. Siya lagi ko kasama when I was going out - eating, playing, shopping, etc. She was the "bunso", not until then natuto sya lumandi. Had crushes, manliligaw, then finally a boyfriend. I remember the time when my sister stopped hanging out with me because lumalove life na eh. She was my buddy that time. I felt jealous and a little bit sad. Of course she doesn't know it. I just ignored my feelings and told myself na "lumalaki na sila". And then eventually, lumav life narin ako. That even though I'm not at school, I have someone to hang out with. I started informing my "lovelife" na they are also my bestfriend. In the first place, I prefer bestfriend and hang out buddy than having a special-partner-relationship.

Oh! There was also a time na best bud ko si Ros Ros after ng kapatid ko magsimula lumandi. I frequently went to Ros' place and had overnight. Pero in the end, lumav life narin sya. And I think, dun na talaga ako nagsimula maghanap ng partner. All of them are having their own "love life" and new buddy. And I was so jealous that I wanted to take them away from their "partners".

Back to my sister, I felt sad. Well, sadness is more than disappointment. I was planning initially pa naman na when my sister graduated College and has a work, we can go back to S.Korea. But now she's having a baby, priorities have to change.

Oh! I also remember the time when my older sister got married. At her wedding day, I was poker face. I was not happy. There was a thought, "why did you get my older sister away from me, away from us?"

Bakit ba ang lovelife ay kinukuha lahat ng best buds of my life...?

Maybe because, doon sila masaya. I just need to trust their decisions and be happy for them. May mga pamangkin naman ako eventually. And this is why I am "the best tita" para sa kanila. I love them.

Well then...

Re-build the wall

Just when you thought you have someone to talk to. Someone who you can just say all your pains and hurts. But in reality, there is no one.

In the end, you will just be alone. Rove, you already know what to do. The one you did you when you were in high school. :)

Build a wall.
Wall as high as the tallest building in Dubai.
Thick as the great wall of China.
Build a wall around you.
And trust no one.

That's you back in time, right? You did it once, and I'm sure you can do it again.

Man up! Put your heart and feelings in a chest and lock it up. Dig a hole in a forest and bury the chest. It's now time for your brain to lead the way.

Just always remember, your brain is at the top. Ignore all the feelings. Pretend if you have to. Never show your heart - it's already in the forest, remember? And you already have a wall to protect you.

Then go! May your brain lead the way. And may your wall be uptight as best as it could.

Be sensitive enough

Yung feeling na akala ng mga tao sa paligid mo na wala kang mabigat na pasanin dahil nakikita naman nila na nakangiti ka, tapos tapunan kapa nila ng mga senseless o common sense o shallow problems nila.

Can you show me, even for once, your "at your best" state?

I cannot say na mas mabigat problem ko o mas mabigat inyo. They are all the same sa bawat tao na nakakaranas nun. My problem might be shallow to you or your problem might be shallow to me. And I didn't say na I can no longer be your ears whenever you want to share something. But I plead you, please be sensitive enough. It's not because I always laugh and smile, I'm okay.