Never stop moving cause you are Rove

Today, I started noticing other people. And it's already a month since we broke up. 

When we were still together, I didn't have time to look at anyone. It felt like I have blinders at both eyes like horses. But earlier, I not only look once, but multiple times and I didn't feel guilty about it. It feels like my blinders were already off and I'm allowed to look around me and notice them freely.

It's already been a month. I wonder what will happen to me next after two months of moving on? Maybe I'll start saying 'no' to her or rejecting her without feeling any guilt? I wonder. This is my first time so I have no idea what are the steps or phases of moving on from a broken long term relationship.

I started thinking, I deserve better.

I am good looking.

I have abs.

I have good credit.

I am kind in nature.

I am loyal and faithful. (Very rare)

Then I deserve a more beautiful - inside and out - woman. I deserve a loving, honest, loyal, and faithful partner.

How to trust a person again after you have forgiven him/her but then cheated on you again?

If I am just gonna follow my mind, I won't go back to the person who cheated on me once. But I followed my heart then it put them (brain and heart) to hurts and destructions.

Aug 2018, I found out that チャ was cheating on me for more than a year already. They even had sex. I don't know how many times but I only know once. I forgiven her and accepted her. She promised she'll not do it again. Mar 2019, I discovered that チャ initiated an email exchange with her affair last Feb 11, 2019. She even called him, "MyLove" - which I just noticed the other day after re-reading the email thread again.

Now tell me, how to trust her again when it comes to relationships? I don't even know if there are more encounters after the Aug 2018. I can forgive her again. Who am I not to forgive if God himself keep on forgiving me for all my sins? As much as I want to believe on her words again, part of my mind doesn't want her to come back anymore into my life as my girlfriend/partner/future wife. Then my heart? It had enough hurts that it just bowed down and turned around.

I also realized, she was not even honest with herself. How can she be honest with me or to anyone then?

——

God, thank you. I lay all my hurts, questions, problems down unto you. I trust your process. Please give me a sound mind and body to make sound decisions in life and be more positive about life. Let Your will Thy be done. Amen!

——

To future Rove:

One day, you look back, and you'll just laugh at all these. You will even happily tell these experiences to your wife and kids. ☺️ Just be strong and courageous! Go on with life. Don't stop moving, because you are Rove. 😉

Be strong Rove! 😁

"In a world where almost all falls apart, be the one that will inspire others."

"Be patient. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to get the best."

"Before something great happens, everything falls apart."

"Be strong enough to let go and patient enough to wait for what you deserve."

"Tough times don't last, tough people do."

"Remember, you can't reach what's in front of you until you let go of what's behind you."

"It takes 21 days to build a habit, and 90 days to build a lifestyle."

"When thinking about life, remember this: no amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future."

"Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can come together."

Sana sinabi mo, para ni-let go kita agad.

God, please give me the strength to overcome all your the trials you are giving me in life. Please give me the knowledge and wisdom for me to discern things and know whom to trust and not.

I've just realized. I should have not begged チャ back when the time I went to their previous condo. She told me that time, she didn't love me anymore and she's liking someone else who was Jake. But I didn't believe. I was so stupid and naive that I begged. That's the time we went to Ba-Be-Q because she said I was so thin already. And that is the time before I decided to go on medication of my depression.

I am not sure since when she and Jake started dating. (According to Jake’s email, it was almost two years, so they been dating since 2017.) Then that later year, Jul, something happened between them in a hotel. That's the night where チャ asked me for some space and I let her. I didn't know that she will go in a hotel and had sex with him. I still forgave チャ after the incident. That was last year I think. Earlier this year, Feb, our relationship was good as far as I know as we didn't have a fight. But then, she was still exchanging emails with Jake. And it was obvious that she still loved him till that time. Even then, I still forgave her and accepted her because who am I not to forgive if God forgive people multiple times. Maybe I don't want to have regrets that's why I kept forgiving her. She really must have loved Jake. I should have let her go long time ago. If I did, these things - much more hurtful - shouldn't have happened anymore. 😞

I was told, "Cheater will always be a cheater."

チャ cheated on me multiple times in different circumstances. Now, I've been wiser. I love チャ but I will not let her cheat on me again. Keep telling her that I will stop liking/loving her the moment she'll like someone else.

Self-respect. I value myself more, more than anything. I won't let anyone hurt me or cheat on me over and over again. I don't mind leaving the person I love if that person keeps on disrespecting me.

Maybe, チャ asked for a break-up and wanted to be single because she was hurting. Just maybe. She let go of the man she has loved. That she's currently moving on.

——

God, I need your knowledge and wisdom. Maybe, I should now stop all these madness. I think チャ stopped loving me since 2017. And I should just accept it and move on. I should not wait for her anymore. I got to start moving on completely. If I really want to find my one true love, I should start getting over her. Maybe, she's really not the woman I've been praying for. Maybe God only placed her in my life to teach me to grow and be wiser when it comes to choosing a partner to be with.

God, please clear my heart and mind from all these earthly things so that I can see Your desires for my life. I am really asking for your wisdom so that I can make good and wise decisions in my life. Please surround me with Godly people, people who will help me grow as a person. If You will let unjust and evil people come into my life, please give me knowledge and wisdom to know their intentions and act according to Your will.

I love you God. Holy Spirit, please continually guide me and protect me. Thank you for all these things in the mighty name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, amen!

"Would I want to date me today?"

There are days I am asking myself,

"Till when will I be in love with チャ?"

"Will it possible to convert this love to sibling love or best friend love? If yes, when it will happen?"

---

This is a good read:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/sabrina-alexis/2016/09/the-real-reasons-you-cant-find-love/?utm_campaign=related&utm_source=thoughtcatalog&utm_term=sabrina-alexis

1. I was too needy. Moving forward, this should be completely removed from my system.

2. NA

3. I need to continually work on myself. The right person at the right time. I should value more of myself. Continually work out! Continually learn new things. Go back to old fun hobbies. Like attracts like.

"In order to attract a real relationship, you first need to make sure that you are in the right place emotionally. Make sure you want a relationship for the right reasons, not just to fill a void or make you feel better about yourself. You also need to develop a firm sense of who you are and learn how to be happy without a relationship."

4. I keep going and chasing women who didn't even like me. I should stop this once and for all.

"What was I getting out of this relationship? Why was I so drawn to her? What had she even given to me? I did a lot for her, but what had she ever actually done to show me she cared? (The answer was nothing.)"

"Remember, damage cases are a waste of time and energy. Wanting a woman who doesn't want you is a tragedy. Time is a precious thing to waste, so get to work and undo the faulty wiring that leads you to the women who can't appreciate you."

5. NA

6. "A relationship is going to unfold in only one of two ways: it will either last forever or it will fall apart. In order to get the relationship that lasts, you have to come to terms with all the ones that didn't."

I gotta move on from チャ and accept everything. No more chasing. No more questions nor validations. I gotta let go of the baggage so that when the right person comes in, I'm all ready to accept her as a new person.

---

Another good read:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/nicole-kylie/2016/06/our-generation-has-ruined-love-with-these-excuses/?utm_campaign=related&utm_source=thoughtcatalog&utm_term=nicole-kylie

'I want to focus on my career and be successful.'

No, my success should not be determined with my career and how much money I earn. Being happy and enjoying myself with my loved ones should suffice. I wanna meet the same woman to be my forever partner in life. 

'We can't be fixed. We should break up.'

No, I've learned this in my recent relationship. As much as possible, I want to do my best to fix what should be fixed in misunderstanding. I choose the woman I love and I should stand till the end. Open communication is the key. 

'Getting married/having a family is too much of a burden.'

No, I love having my own family in the future.

'I need freedom and space.' ---> "Riding a cow while looking for a horse."

I remember the time when my ex asked for this, she was looking for a horse. :( And I am also guilty of this. There were few times, I talked to old crushes (as long as I know they are single or no one is dating them) and asked how are they. But I eventually after so many issues I had with my ex. I valued her more than anything else that's why I was trying my very best in serving her as my queen. But eventually, she let go...

---

Closing remarks:

I am very thankful for the last 4 years we've been together. I've really learned a lot. There are things I don't want to do anymore in my future partner, things I want to continue in the future, and the things I will start doing. I'll use this time to develop and prepare myself till the right time we'll meet. So help me God.

Afternoon Thoughts

Most of the times, she's always there when I'm at my best. And most of the times, she leaves me when I'm at my worst.

She only sees me as a friend. But I see her as my woman, treating her like a queen.

I'm also not courting (nanliligaw) her because she said she doesn't want to be courted.

"Rove, self-respect."

Maybe I should change my perceptions. I should avoid treating her the way I treat my girlfriend/fiancé as I'm not even nanliligaw.

All the people should know this. The way you treat your friend/bestfriend is different to how you treat your girlfriend/fiancé.

—

As for me, I should not mind at all if she gets mad at me big time for the joke I already said sorry. She’s not even my girlfriend for me to kneel down and ask for her forgiveness. She told me few days ago that she doesn’t like me and only see me as friend despite me telling her and showing her how much I love her.

“Rove, self-respect.”

Just like you mentioned before, you’ve already done 12/10 of effort. If the person doesn’t appreciate nor reciprocate your love, it will be their loss, not yours. God knows what have you done so far in the name of His love so don’t worry. Trust His process. 😊

Promises and Boundaries

1) I told チャ that I still love her and I am willing to wait. This is still true.

2) I told her ako na bahala sa trips namin this June-July. Sagot ko na lahat. This is still true.

3) I told her that I will support her 100% to her dreams and goals. And when she needs anything - financial, mental, emotional, and spiritual supports - I'm just here - just one call away.

Above are my promises. And I will keep them true till God tell me to stop.

But since we are technically just bestfriends and she only sees me as a friend, I need to set limits on how far I can help her. She's not my partner nor girlfriend anymore whom I can spend so much time, money, and effort. I don't want to intrude to her life. I'm being a big ass jerk! I should only step up when she asks me to. I'm no longer in position to influence her decisions in life.

Starting from now, I will refrain myself from intruding to her livelihood and expenses. I will refrain myself from convincing her to do things that she is doubting to do. I will keep a fair distance that is only intended for a friend.

——

God, if this is want you want me to do, please help me stick to this. I cast to You all of my worries and problems in life. In Jesus name, amen!

Perceptions of a Romantic Relationship

Hey buddy!

I don't know but I think I'm finally getting tired.
Tired of showing and proving to チャ that her perception of relationship is wrong.

She thought,
Being in a relationship will hinder you from prioritizing your career.
Being in a relationship will remove your time from your family and thyself.
Being in a relationship is full of drama.

All of these are wrong. It really depends on someone on how you view or see romantic relationship. If the other has different perception than yours, then chances of you ending up together will be blurred.

My thoughts of being in a relationship...
Loving each other unconditionally.
Supporting each other's goals and dreams.
Giving each other enough freedom to the things one wants/likes to do.
Each other is not the first priority but family and thyself.
It's not a drama, but an adventure and rom-com.

—

Her

Now, I will just keep on showing the real me to her. How caring and a changed person I am. But I will reduce or remove some of my languages of love, physical touch and affirmation. As long as she already knew my intention, I think it’s enough. It’s up to her until when or how she’ll reciprocate that love. I’ll just do it until I forget that I love her. I already laid all my plans to God. I trust Him. If He think I’ve done enough, He’ll do something to put breaks on me. But since circumstances keep on letting me or her see us together, I think He still has a purpose for either of us.

Don’t expect but trust Him.

——

I'm not sure but I think I am still crazy in love with チャ. No matter how hard she pushes me away, I still love her and wait for her. Most of the times, I wanna show my love to her thru touch (hold hands, hugs, kisses), but I can feel that she's trying to deflect it all.

It's already almost a month since she broke up with me and I'm still in the process of moving on. Moving on about us not being in a relationship/commitment anymore. But I guess it's not bad that we're still in good relationship as best friends - but I think it's between the lines of bestfriends and in a romantic relationship/commitment. I don't know what to call our current relationship anymore. Dating but not courting? Providing all her needs but we're not official couple? I don't know now.

I've been trying to send Tiger to her. I told her that I am not mentally and emotionally stable and I want Tiger to live with her for now. But it's not true. The real reason was I want Tiger to help her find peace, destress, and de-clog her mind. I get sad sometimes but I am still able. She will not bite any other reasons aside from this.

Maybe I should start letting her go, little by little? I'm not expecting anymore since the day she broke up with me. I should reduce doing all these financial supports. No offense but it looks like I'm being a sugar daddy or something. She only sees me as a bestfriend but I treat her like my wife. If we're both on a weighing scale, we have already fell down on one side because I keep coming to her. Also, I look like I'm already going out of line doing all these cares/concerns to her. Feels like I'm already invading her life thinking that she still loves me - but she's not. It's either she still loves me that's why she still hangs around or she's just comfortable with me being around.

If she keeps hiding the truth about her feelings about me, one day, I might get tired being around for her. I am just a human being. I need affirmation too. I cannot just give and give. One day, I might run out of things to give to her (e.g. time).

I just took this opportunity to spend more with my family - siblings, nieces/nephews, and parents. Now, I got to help my family first before her. Previously, I was clouded with the thoughts of working hard and saving for our future together. But those thoughts dissolved right after she left me. I should stop compromising everyone just for me to have time for her though we're not official couple. This time, I will put my family first before her.

Wrap up

Yesterday, went to a 4-hour-training in Eton. Then went to Galleria to meet チャ, MC, and the new kitten - we finally named him, Oreo. We ate dinner. Treated them for Pepper Steak. Then went home via Grab - though had a hard time booking 'cause all of our phones were lowbat.

Introduced new kitten to Tiger. Today, we went to vet for Oreo's and Tiger's Deworming. After, Venice and I went shopping at Megamall while チャ and others, including Tiger, went home to their condo. For the first time, I bonded with my youngest sister - just the of us! I bought her new sneakers, socks, and bag. Though it was a little bit tiring 'cause she's too naughty, she still brought simple joys to people (strangers) around her. And I'm so proud of her. ☺️ Later on, called チャ to join us at McDo. She did, though short, チャ and Venice had a nice time together. チャ escorted us to our chauffeur then went home.

Riri still has fever. And because of this, we won't be able to go to Ocean Park with her, レヤ, and Venice tomorrow. 😞 And I'm not expecting that チャ will join me in buying undies and leggings for Venice tomorrow night. I asked her awhile ago and she said she can help me buy in cheap prices but with one condition - I'll treat her for Okonomiyaki. And I was like, game! 😄 Two reasons: one, the thought of eating Okonomiyaki again. And second, I'll get to date her just the two of us. ☺️ I'm not sure which has more weight but I think, it's the latter one. 😜

“The Before Sleep” Thoughts

They say, "Only 10% of the circumstances you have can be controlled by you. The rest of the 90% is out of your control."

If so, I think I've done 12% of effort to show to チャ how much she mean to me and how worthy I am for her. The rest, I’ll just leave it to God. Surely, God is already telling me to “rest, you’ve already done enough”.

——

Four years ago, I only had my own world and a world with others. Then in the last four years, I developed a world with my special someone and a world with others. After four years, I got to build again my own world - without a partner/bestfriend. I can't say that's easy but I know I can do it with His help. And I know, it will take time.

——

Earlier, I told チャ that I will help her get enrolled. Actually, I already told her long ago that I'll support her achieve her goals/dreams up to my very best. It is my promise.

I always believe to the saying, "Every little thing in our life has its own reason or purpose."

I prayed to Him. I think it's not an accident You let our path crossed again. There's got to be a reason. If my purpose is to help her, please provide me all the resources I need in order to help her. Then I messaged two of my close friends who I thought can help me. I asked them if I can borrow some bucks and I will pay them on my next salary which is next month. Without ado, one lent me 15k and the other one will send the 10k tomorrow. I now have the 25k needed for the enrollment. I have extra 5k so maybe I will just borrow 5k from the latter.

——

Now, I wanna start again Give More and Expect Less. And I'll start with the closest ones - my family then colleagues. Having a grateful heart makes me feel good.

I cannot deny that I get lonely or sad sometimes because I used to have a partner and a bestfriend in-one whom I can talk to whenever I need company. Now, I don't have any of them. To get over with the loneliness or sadness, I push myself to go to the gym though my laziness always strikes me. Sweat and tired body produce happy hormones and let me have a good night sleep. And when not in a gym, I will just read a good book and let my mind doze off.

Morning thoughts

They say, "Distance makes your heart ponder." This is so true. 

And I add, "Distance will make you forget."

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

I have plans but I don't want to frustrate myself to them anymore. Whatever I may think or plan, Your plans always prevail. I will just have to trust You. 

I plan of getting my own flat - hopefully this year - once I get the money from my loan. Would be nice to have a place where I can call "my own" and a place to stay after many adventures or travels. I also thought of taking LOA, probably next year, to take one TESDA course. Need to prepare though since I don't have any other source of income yet. I plan to go abroad next year but I don't want to put pressure on this thing and I don't wanna rely on this thought alone. If I am in a relationship, I probably not go and live abroad - I'd rather live in a country my partner prefers to live in. (Yes, I can compromise for my loved one. I can be selfless for my partner.) But since I am technically single now, I don't mind where my feet take me to. 😁

My ハニー

I and チャ had a wonderful time together in Masbate. At first, I got confused and told her that there are things we do that are against my belief. For an instance, kisses, hugs, and making love are intended for couples who are officially in a relationship or commitment.

She doesn't want to be in a "relationship" nor "commitment" but she likes to continue the closeness we currently have. She knows how much I love her and be willing to wait for her until she becomes ready.

I proposed in the end that we can treat each other the way we used to - closeness plus calling ハニー to each other - but no official tagging as "in a relationship" if this is what burdens her. We can still do the couples do - kisses, hugs, ILYs, pet names - minus the celebration of Monthsaries and Anniversaries because we're not "officially in a relationship". She said, she'll think about it because it's also difficult for her to intentionally avoid calling me ハニー when we're together.

I've also asked her if she loves me too. She tried her best to avoid the question. Then I told her at the last day that I think, she loves me too. She just didn't want to admit it.

At the last day, she finally called me ハニー. ☺️ Then last night, before she rode her GrabCar, she finally whispered "I love you" in my ear. ☺️ For many days I've been telling her ILYs without a response from her, finally, she confirmed her love for me.

Thank you God for everything. I'm not thanking just because I've finally known what チャ really thinks and feels for me. But I am thanking that despite all the things happened to us, you're still keeping us strong mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

God, please heal チャ's allergies because of the jellyfish. It's my fault I failed to protect her. Everything is my responsibility. The trip, the location, the accident - all is on me. Bringing her to the doctor and providing her meds are the least I can do. 😞

Conversation with the woman I love

I told チャ about how I really feel and my thoughts about relationship/commitment.

I asked her if she has any feelings for me even a little - she's no comment.
I asked her if there is a possibility that she will never like me anymore even in the future - she doesn't know.
I asked her if there is a possibility that she will like someone else - she doesn't know.

We're not in a relationship but she treat me like we are in a relationship. We act as if we're still a couple - sweet hugs, kisses, beyond friendship caring, etc.
I asked her if she is just too comfortable with me, like the same. And she said, maybe.

I only wanna know if there is a possibility that she won't like or love me anymore even in the future. If this will be the case, there's nothing I can do anymore, even I wait and make her feel how special she is to me.

Finally, I told her that I am willing to wait till the day she becomes ready to be courted again. I am willing to start all over again and show her that I am worthy of her love. And I asked her a favor to tell me right away if in some point in her life, she'll decide she will never like me anymore and decide to like other else aside from me.

Happy 4th Year Anniversary! 😁

Tomorrow is supposed to be our 4th year Anniversary. Notif popped in my phone awhile ago.

I just thought, I wanna show to チャ that I am still worthy of her love and trust. But I don't wanna push myself too hard. I will just show to her the real me. The real Rove who is kid-like. Kid-like who thinks that everything is possible. A kid-like that no problem is greater than Him. A kid-like who loves unconditionally. A kid-like who loves protecting all of my love ones like a Knight.

I have accepted long ago the real チャ. All her positive traits and flaws. How she drools when she sleeps - with mouth open and eyes half-open. How she farts without prior notice. How she makes that ugly and funny face. How she unconsciously kicks you when you are trying to wake her up. How messy she becomes when trying to organize her books and papers. How she is uber fickle-minded, unable to decide on one thing - she's really a girl! 😆 How she teach me how to be more patient. I love them all. Because that is her. Those what make up チャ.

And I will just show to her the real Rove. It's up to her if she will accept and love me for who I am.

——

I just thought, in the past few days, I had a chance to kiss her in the lips - when she put her face near to me with only less than 10cm apart. But I didn't do it. If I don't wanna get a slap, I better restrain myself from doing it. 😆 And you don't disrespect your queen! 😝

——

God,
Please take care of my loved ones and my queen. Keep them safe and sound. Thank you for your unending love. I love you.
In Jesus name, amen!

Words and actions

I had a conversation with my queen. And I could say, it's almost heart-to-heart - she's not too open about her feelings.

I knew it! It was my fault. All the negativity has piled up in her without me encouraging her to talk about it. I really love her opening her heart to me. It makes me feel that she trust me and can lean on me.

I had the gift (my ハニー) but I didn't take more effort in taking care of it. 😞

If only she can give me another chance - chance to prove to her that I am worthy of her love. If only she can give me another chance to show to her that she can lean on me and trust me again.

Some of my perspectives have change in the last weeks of March. I wanna strive and work hard for our future. But I had overlooked her. I didn't help her grow too. Maybe she felt she was too enclosed in our world that she couldn't grow by herself. Then it's too late for me, to save our relationship. She broke up with me. 😞

She told me that she's not ready to be in a commitment or relationship again. She said that there are a lot of things she wanted to do without a headache (relationship is a headache according to her and it was all because of me). 😞

I want to show her that she can be in a relationship/commitment while growing and pursuing her dreams/goals. And I want to prove to her that I can be that man/partner and I am not the same again. As much as I want to say these all to her, they don't make any difference now. She already know the contents of my heart and my mind thru words. Now, I will just show it to her thru actions.

"Actions speak louder than words." And I am a man of action.

I will wait for her. Till the day she can see that I am worthy again. For now, I will watch us both grow. And I can still be a reliable bestfriend to her.

Open heart

You thought I am always fooling around.
But the words I say, they are sincere and are coming from my heart and mind.
"You are pretty"
"You are more beautiful"
"I am happier with you"
They are all true. I'm not a cheesy person but with you, I can be cheesier than cheese. I don't mind mind how cringe my words are but they are true.

I know relationship is not a game that I can reset or start all over again whenever I get Game Over. But I was learning. Learning about you and me never stop.

If you can only see what's inside my heart and mind, you'll know how clean my intentions are. I am only asking right now is a chance that you will let me court/ligaw you again. I want to prove that I am worthy of your love. But if you not ready yet na ligawan ka, I am willing to wait. I can wait till the day na pede ka ulit ligawan.

Cause you are worthy of being waited, being pursued, and a treatment of a Queen's.
And I will prove to you that I am worthy to be your Knight and worthy of your love. And someday, I will make you realize that I am.

—

God,
I love チャ. You know what’s inside my heart and mind. If you think I will only cause heart aches and trouble upon her life, please snap a finger and make me disappear. I don’t want to hurt the person I cherish the most. It’s better for me to be gone if that will make her life happy and well.

My own company

Funny.
I was alone for 24 years. I can be happy with my own company. I just used to dream of having someone I cherish, love, and protect. After 24 years, I met チャ. Finally, there's someone who likes me back. It lasted for 4 years. Too short. Felt like a dream. Then now, I gotta learn how to be alone again - enjoying my own company.
Funny.
Does it mean, I am going to be alone for another 24 years?

I wanna look back and just laugh

Looking at the night sky, cold breeze gently touches my face.

If I'm going to buy my own flat, I would like to have a balcony. Hopefully this Victoria Sports Tower II has balcony. If not, I'll ask if I can build one. 😆

—

The day my love left me, I tried going on online dating apps. But I failed, I just can't seem to find the person I almost like. Maybe because in my mind, there's just one in my heart. Then I ended up deleting them, including my social media apps. Reason, I don't wanna know チャ's whereabout unintentionally. And I don't want her to think that I am stalking her which is not.

I wanna get busy with other things, be distracted by other things.

I was also told by a close friend to stop messaging チャ even for 24hrs, but I couldn't. I ended up sending her "have you eaten?" even once. I don't wanna ask her too many questions because she tends to get irritated and end up telling me "dami mong tanong" or "dami mong sinasabi". Maybe I should just shut my mouth and mind my own business. 😞

I'm not really confident when it comes to courting. I easily get discouraged especially when I found out that the person I like/love has other crush/like/love. 😞 I'm not competitive when it comes to lovelife. If I see that I don't have a chance, I automatically withdraw myself and just get disappeared. Maybe this is the reason I was single for 5 years and only had 2 girlfriends and the other one lasted for 4 years. 😆

—

Get fucking rich Rove!
You deserve an unconditional love.

If チャ is really the woman God gift to you, no matter how long it will be, you two will end up together. If she's not, still trust Him. The better will always come.

The day will come that when you look back at your blog posts, you'll just laugh reading these. 😁

Afternoon thoughts

Am I still giving her the freedom she desires -
If I am continually meddling in her activities and plans in life?
If I continually insist on providing her needs financially? I'm not even sure if one of her goals for being single is to take care of her tabs on her own and if it does, I am beating the purpose and I'm not helping at all. 😞

I love her and I am willing to wait till the day she's ready to be in a relationship again. And I am okay to start all over again in courting process.

Everyday, I want to remind her and prove to her that I am worthy to be her partner and future husband. That I can love her, protect her, take care of her, and provide all her needs.

Is there a boundary for helping her as a bestfriend and someone who cherish her dearly?

God please help me. Please give me the knowledge and wisdom I need.

——

The guilt, when it came, was about his heart - that he had not appreciated her enough, that he had been given a gift he failed to acknowledge, failed to respond to. And so it was taken back.

My Queen’s Amazing Adventure! ☺️

Holiday Thoughts

6:35PM Update
It makes me smile and proud knowing that チャ can create detailed itineraries again. She used to do it during, maybe, our first two years together. She created beach itineraries like Bolinao. Today, she showed me her Baguio itineraries and I could say, I’m impressed. They are so detailed and it shocked me that there are still a lot of places to visit there despite having gone there multiple times with her and I thought there’s nothing to do nor visit anymore. Maybe I’ll ask her to do our CDO and Taiwan itineraries. 😁 I’m sure it’s gonna be fantastic! And I also want to feel a kind of surprise too. 😄 Creating itineraries will already give someone an idea what the place or the activity looks like. 😜

God, please protect my queen as she travels back home. Please keep her safe and sound. Cover her with your Holy Spirit. Thank you for this wonderful opportunity you have given her. I pray all these things, in the mighty name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, amen!

——

I had deductions where チャ went. I don't mean of being a stalker or what. I don't mind where she'll go as long as she'll be safe. But my mind is unstoppable when you have given it clues - city, 6-7hrs travel. The only city I can think of with this travel hours is Baguio. Then Rhea told me awhile ago that チャ is in Baguio because she has seen her stories. Well, I don't have FB nor IG. 😂 So Rhea spilled the beans. 😆

Removing my social media apps is another way for me to cope with my sadness. Well, aside from hitting the gym and burying myself in books.

チャ needs alone time, to reflect about her life. Going to Baguio alone is one way for her to try things by herself. And she's making me prouder as ever. ☺️ I believe in her.

I also had this moment, where I just want to be alone to reflect on my feelings and my life. I went to a mountainous place with no signal and stayed for the night. After long hours of prayers and discussions in my head with God, I came to the realization that チャ is the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with. I would like to protect and take care of her as her partner and husband. Fast forward, I gave her a promise ring last year, at her birthday. I would like to marry her someday. I told her I can wait till she gets ready to love again. It can be 4 or 5 years, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already waited for her for 5 years, what is another 5 years? 😁 Till then, I’ll always be a loving and supporting bestfriend to her. ☺️ Her happiness is also my happiness.

On the other side, I’ve got to tone down. If I am not needed or my opinion is not needed, I should just keep quiet. I don’t want to scare チャ away that it looks like I’m desperate. I’m not desperate at all. I love her that’s why her freedom and happiness come first. Her wellness is my desire. When I love a person, I am willing to let them go. I cannot force someone to love or like me back. If ever チャ has found new love, hopefully, she’ll tell me the soonest. So that I will stop myself abruptly from liking and loving her. I’m the kind of person that retreats right after knowing the person I like/love is liking/loving someone else. I don’t go to a battle where I know I’m gonna lose. I believe God will never leave my side. I believe He is preparing the woman I’ll be with till death do us part. This is why I don’t lose faith in His love.

Mixed feelings

It's been more than a week now since my queen left us. I wonder how she's doing now...

It's been 3 days since I started taking my meds again. If only I can hit the gym everyday, just to give me some pump-up energy.

I deleted all my social media apps - FB and IG. I felt like I wanted to remove my self off the radar and go back to old school of sending hand-written letters and postcards.

I spent my weekend reading, arranging stuff, and watching. I started watching Manifest last night and it gave me mixed feelings, till now.

I tried eating breakfast but I don't have any appetite. Api is more energized to eat right now than me. 😆 I feel like vomiting but nothing comes out. My heart beat is also racing. This is what I feel when I'll be in an exclusive interview or major exam or recitation or going to a first date. I'm really nervous. I normally feel it if I'm going to meet ハニー. If it's something grandeur, I felt very nervous and about to puke. I'm scared, at the same time, excited. I'm nervous. Please help me God. 🙏

Rove’s Dreamin’

I'm already at the last day of Feb. But there's always a leap year. 😜 Someone told me that each person has their own track/road to walk. The success at a young age of someone might not be applicable for most. This comforts me a little bit.

On Thurs, I will know at the interview if I will be relocated based on my new role. This gives me a little fright but then I was the one who indicated 100% travel and work relocation so I should not complain. 😒 Isipin ko nalang, new adventure to! They target to move me by August - which is a perfect time! I don't have to take leaves during the first months of my new job. Whatever the discussion will be on Thurs, it's a clue if I need to start looking for a flat/condo or at least a room for rent. Hopefully this new job will fill all the gaps I currently have in my current job - make my mind kept running and working - which I think, it will be.

Once I start doing this new job, my College dream of being a Program Manager then Portfolio Manager will not be far anymore. Then I'm gonna be an investor at the side. Then I'm gonna be rich and successful! 😁 In Jesus name, I declare it to the Universe!

Then my parents won't have to worry about Venice as she will live a happy and comfortable life. Tiger, Api, and Roshi will be too. ☺️ I will protect and take care of these babies. I made a promise to Venice when she was still inside the incubator that I will take care of her until I die as long as God will give her a normal life. To the furbabies, I made a promise to their mom, チャ, that I will take care of them no matter what.

Then to my future partner, let's help each other achieve each other's dreams and goals. Let's share each other's ups and downs. There's only one promise I can give to you, I will love you, take care of you, and treat you like a queen up to my very best. 😉

Open letter to my beautiful queen

To my beautiful ハニー,

I know you want us to be just friends even though I told you number of times that I still love you.

I know you are going through a lot and you want to try a life just by yourself.

But please know that whatever you're doing in your life, there's someone that you can always count on. I will always be here. I'm just one call away.

I will wait for the day that you'll be ready to love again. It may be 4 or 5 years. I will wait for you my queen. When that time has come, I am ready to start all over again with the ligaw process. Why? Because you are worthy to be waited. You are worthy of a queen's treatment. 

If ever during the waiting process you'll find a new soldier/lover, please let me know my queen. I will gladly resign my post. Remember, I only want is the best for you. Your happiness is also my happiness.

Always take care, my queen.

Always loving,

Rove

Start with something

The only picture I left at the side table.
To remind me that for the first time in 24 plus years, I have loved someone faithfully.
To remind me that once in my life, I fought for the only woman I loved.
To remind me that once in my life, I learned how to be patient.
To remind me that I never regretted even a single time I spent with her.

Maybe I was a courageous and loyal soldier in my past life with a queen I served. 😅 Now, without a queen I serve, life means nothing, well, at least.

I better start the preparation of "being gone". I should start cleaning my stuff. I have boxes and storages. I got a lot of work to do.

Anyway, I can just always leave without taking anything with me. But I don't want the people I left behind do the cleaning. I don't want to be a pain in the ass. 😆

And have a good legacy for the people I love. ☺️

I gotta start with...

Morning thoughts

I was thinking for 2-3 days already...
I will get my own place.
I will use the last remaining resources I have.
I might or might not bring Tiger with me. I might because he's alone now. Her mom, チャ, doesn't look for him anymore. I might not because here, he has Riri and Rhea who can be with him when I'm no longer around.

God, kayo na po bahala samin. I loved チャ and I still do. But if チャ doesn't love nor like me anymore and doesn't care for Tiger anymore, please let me know God. From there, I will decide whether I'll be gone for good or not. You're a God of Love. And you will not leave your children go astray or confused while walking on this Earth.

I'm not even sure if チャ will come in our Masbate trip. All of these scheduled trips, they are all possible because of her. She wanted to go to all these places. And me, as her ever-loving-and-supporting-partner, I would love to as long as she'll be happy. I even told her to save 5k each for Masbate and Davao which the truth is, the money are not really intended for these trips in the first place. The money she'll save is her allowances for CPAR reviews and job interviews. I never intended her to come up with a money for our trips. Since the day I booked the flights, it's already programmed in my mind that as a dependable and responsible partner, I should be the one to spend for our trips. Moreover, I am the one who has the biggest salary between us two, so it's understandable that I should handle all of our expenses. I intend to tell her the truth at the day of our trip, that she doesn't need to withdraw her 5k anymore. But once again, I'm even not sure if she'll come to our Masbate trip. 😞 If not, this will the 3rd time I will go on adventure alone - and technically, the 1st time to go on a 4-5 day trip alone. 😞 Walang atrasan, kelangan panindigan! I’m a man of God. My dream job in Heaven is to be one of His kingdom’s strong and big guards, right? With the armor, sword, and stuff. 😁 I was told that in Heaven, I can be whoever I want to be. 😉

Let Your will thy be done, oh God.

Solace in books and journals

I finished One Season of Hope during the weekdays. I finished 2 books in one and half days - Restored and The Lamp. 😱 This is the fastest reading I ever had in my entire life! I thought finishing Bob Ong's ABNKKNPLKo in 2 days was the fastest one.

There's not much to do. I lost interest playing computer games or watching Netflix. I don't use Facebook anymore. I haven't sweep with rag my room's floor since Monday, I just did some plain sweeping.

I found solace in reading books, her books. When I'll ran out of books to read, maybe I'll grab my old titles and re-read them again. I even read books at the gym before my workout schedule. I'll just bury myself in books. And to this of course, since I don't have anyone to converse my stories with, I'll just write my never ending thoughts in this journal. Anyway, no one reads this blog, except me, and I bet, no one knows this existence. 😆

——-

When I'll have my own house, I would like to have my own office room with full of shelves and books. I can live like Do Min-Joon in Who You Came From The Stars. Having the same house would be enough for me. 😁

——-

"Why aren't you married yet?"
Luca, "She was too young. But I loved her more than any woman I've ever known."

Felt like I was wishing for something unattainable

Every conversation with チャ is nerve-wrecking. 😖
I really don't have a skill in talking to the person I like.
There's always a feeling that I will be rejected. 😰

But there's nothing I can do but to believe. [The Lamp] Believe that I will be received light heartedly, even not whole heartedly.

Rove, looking back...

I just finished Chapter 16 of The Lamp.

After all the readings I had, it made me to think about my life. What do I really want to happen in my life?

I wanted to be successful and rich! This is vague. How can I attain this without any steps or breakdown of goals?

Now I look back. I dreamt of being a Project Manager when I was in College. Then a Program Manager then a Portfolio Manager. I was fired up during my first 3-4 years of working. But started to lose the fire when things didn't go my way. No one presented me opportunity to be a PM while the newbies accidentally became one. I resorted to MBA thinking that I can climb the corporate ladder just in case being PM is not really for me. But I failed the tests multiple times damaging me around 35k. Long before, I even tried going abroad, SG and JP, but nothing worked. It costed me more or less 110k.

With all these things happened to me, plus misunderstandings with the partner, made me fall to depression.

Now, I just do my work 5 days a week. Though I have many hats, they cannot still occupy my whole working time. I still have more time left. Then I started going to gym just to fill some extra time. I even go to office late and go home early. But still, have ample of time to spare. I don't think much now in my work. Even the dream of being a PM banished from my head. And it feels like, I only go to work to fund my only desire - to travel.

Workout and travel. Things that can help not regain episodes of depression. And not think of the frustrations I have in life.

My career looks like it has nowhere to go. My love life has crashed. My emotional and mental states are at risk. On the positive note, my physical and spiritual states are growing. I failed in most aspects of my life. This makes me think to run off - to a very far away land. And start all over again. But how dare I am to run away and start all over again if I cannot resolve my past and my present?

——-

God, I'm really not sure what I am doing in my life. Please show me the path I should take. Please give me a forgiving heart so that I can forgive myself and others that have hurt me in the past. Clear my mind and my heart and fill them with Your Holy Spirit. Please give me enough patience I need in this life. I raise everything back to You - myself, チャ, Tigs, Api, and my family.

Thank you for your unending love. I love you God. In Jesus name, amen!

Baby Charles and Her Beautiful Mom

4:43PM Update:

I’m now reading The Lamp. I saw チャ highlighted “Charles’ moment”. And not just it, I noticed she stopped between page 20 and 21. Reading it, my heart began to quenched. It must be painful to チャ to continue reading this. Once again, I was naive and insensitive that I didn’t notice there was a change in her mood when reading this. I didn’t even notice that she was reading this book. 😞 I should have checked on her and asked what the books she read all about. I failed in anyway. No excuse is valid. I should have taken more notice of the people around me.

I pray that チャ is doing well now. God. Please always be with her. Give her a strong heart and spirit. Thank you.

“We can do all things thru Christ who gives us strength.”

In Jesus name, amen!

——-

12:45PM

Following to the conversation I had with Rosy about depression and responsibility, I did a little research. 

——-

"In broad terms, some of the mental impact of miscarriage - such as distress and grief - is common knowledge. Feelings of loss, anxiety and depression can beset women immediately after the loss of their unborn baby, or their onset may be delayed; each individual experiences loss differently."

"Dr. Neugebauer's study found that there was a significant risk of depression in women after miscarriage. Furthermore, 72 percent of the episodes of major depression occurred during the first month after the loss of the pregnancy.

The study also found that the risk for depression was substantially higher for those miscarrying women who had no children. Further, the data demonstrated that over half of the women with prior histories of major depression experienced recurrences after they had miscarriages."

"We found no evidence that affective symptoms associated with previous prenatal loss resolve with the birth of a healthy child. Rather, previous prenatal loss showed a persisting prediction of depressive and anxiety symptoms well after what would conventionally be defined as the postnatal period," the researchers concluded.

Nearly 20% of women who experience a miscarriage become symptomatic for depression and/or anxiety; in a majority of those affected, symptoms persist for 1 to 3 years, impacting quality of life and subsequent pregnancies.

Women at highest risk for psychiatric morbidity following miscarriage include those who are younger, Hispanic, or of lower socioeconomic status and those with loss of a planned pregnancy, a history of infertility or prior miscarriages, and poor social support or coping skills.

——-

Then I realized, I was so naive and stupid for not knowing anything about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). 😞

Baby Charles happened May 4. I met her mom, May 23. I didn't know anything but I should have recognized since then!

I should have doubled my effort in taking good care of her mental and emotional wellness! God given me 4 years to do that. But what have I done? I only caused stress and suffering upon her life. I was selfish most of the times. She's the most precious person of my life as she's my reason in striving hard - for our future.

If I will be given another chance (though I know that God already provided me many chances in life), I will not do the same mistake again. I'll engrave it to my heart and mind, promising, that I will take care of her triple times and will give all the support she needs.

チャ is my queen and always be my queen. I will always be her knight in shining armor.

———

Thank you God for realizing me this. Though I know it's already too late, I still thank you.

Jim, Jason, and Sam inspire me again. Thank you for using Jim Stovall in writing these beautiful books. I've got so many lesson learned that I will treasure in my life till I die.

I love you God.

-Rove

Just a thought...

チャ . When things didn't go according to her plans or she doesn't like the result, she'll just decide to go, leave, and doesn't care what she will leave behind. Like her mom, when she decided to go or feel like going, she'll just leave without thinking what would the people she'll leave behind feel. It's somewhat running away with unfinished business. It's somewhat selfish and not. Selfish, because, she just go without informing the people first. Not, she thinks it's for her own good. It's not selfish to think about oneself.

Then I remembered Sam. He unconsciously replicating the life or the choices his father made. Though チャ is saying she's not her mother, but unconsciously, she's doing the same what her mom does. She may doesn't like the personality of her mom about running away, but she's also doing the same thing. One needs to exert an effort consciously to not replicate the choices we don't like about our parents' life.

Last day of May

Tigs is not coming home (room) not until morning for 3 consecutive nights already.
Been having headaches early in the morning every other day or two. 🤒 Can't have proper sleep since Sunday - always waking up at 4 in the morning and wide awake 'till 7.
Earlier, mom finally blurted out to me the question I did't want to hear "Saan si Ate チャ?" Since I don't want my mom to notice that something's going on, I acted normal and told her that she's with her family in their new house. Then shooed her away. Whew~ 😓
I finished reading One Season of Hope. In the end, Bradley Hope died. Watched Ultimate Gift. At the end, Emily died. Now, reading Restored. Is there someone to die? Author seems fond of death and among young ones. 😐

We wish all the best

Sooner or later, she'll forget everything.
Soon enough, she'll forget about me.
Soon enough, she'll forget about Api and Tiger.
But that's okay.
What we only want is for her to be happy, find happiness in every little thing she'll be doing.
That she'll stay safe and healthy, away from the evil eyes.
That she'll be able to reach her goals and dreams in life.

Sooner or later, we'll be forgotten.
But that's okay,
If this is what it takes for her to live a life full of hope and happiness.