Peace and Love

Had a nice trip with チャ. It was not the adventurous one but more of a staycation mode. 😆

It may look like our current relationship is "Friends with Benefits" but I don't wanna think about it more. If she doesn't want yet to be in a relationship or commitment, then it's fine. At least we don't have constraints in doing anything that makes us happy. ☺️ If she wanna meet friends or possible suitors, it's okay. She doesn't need to get anyone's permission, and so do I. 😁 We're both technically single (again).

On a positive note, I am not required or compulsory to see her - sunduin or samahan sya - whenever I don't feel like to. 😋 Kasi when she was still my partner, as my queen, I was obliged to serve her. ☺️ That's out of love of course. But now, I just love her but I am not required to sacrifice anymore when I don't feel like to. 😋 Moreover, she's not queen anymore.

I just have to fulfill my promise to her - support her in her dreams and goals in life. I'm serious about it. What is it in me? I will feel a sense of fulfillment when I see her becomes the CPA Lawyer she dreams of. 😊 And I'm deadly serious when I said, I will support her financially (except for tuition, that's her mom's) when she resigned. チャ is already part of the family.

As for me, I will push through with my Masters. I will not push or pressure myself in buying my own place for now. I need to sacrifice. The money for that possible own place will be directed to my family. I will assist my parents when they needed to. I am sponsoring チャ in her living expenses. I buy baon sometimes for my nieces and nephews. And other needed stuff at home, gotta help.

Family first. ☺️
Give more, expect less. ☺️
But of course, never forget self-love. 😄

Just be positive. Soon, I will reap what I sow.
Just keep on sowing love and kindness. 😉

Morning Thoughts

6:41AM

I just thought, if ever may magustuhan si Cha na iba or ma-fall in love sya ulit, what would I feel? Siguro, a little pain but I'll be happy for her. I am only helping her out of the promises I made and my love (as a human being, friend, and more than a romantic one) for her. In the end, all I want is her happiness and her wellness. If ever she'll find it with someone else, who am I not to be happy for her? 😋

I'm already at the point of my life where the love I feel towards a person is more than a romantic feeling. Wherein you'll be happy if you'll get chosen in the future and also will be happy on behalf of her when not. I don't know what this is called, soulmate love?

But who doesn't like to get married with the person they love? I'll be hypocrite if I'll say I am. 😝

For now, I'll just do what makes me happy. ☺️ (Currently practicing Buddhism meditation.) The right time will arrive soon. No worries, trust Him and the Universe.

2 and half days

9:53PM
Though Cha already left the house, she's still part of the family. And as part of the family, I need to help her out. And as I said, I am not expecting in return. The only favors I can ask for are two things:
1) She'll tell me if she's seeing someone else or liking someone else. Knowing this, I would know my boundary and I won't offend anyone even that person. I believe in Cha that she will not take this opportunity as "single" to two-time or just flirt anyone. She's a natural friendly and people mistake that into her liking them romantically. I know that Cha is maturing and knows what is right and wrong.
2) I will be able to see her achieve her dreams and goals as CPA Lawyer. After this, I can finally say that I have fulfilled my promises and one of my missions here on Earth.

But if ever - just ever since I'm not expecting and I don't know the future - she'll choose me in the future, I'm going to ask her to marry me. Yeah, there are people who tells me that there are more beautiful, more pretty, more smart, more caring women out there who I deserve instead of waiting for a woman who's no assurance that I am still loved. But I imagined myself getting married with Cha last year. And I think, this gives me a little hope for her love, maybe, just maybe in the future.

On the other hand, as much as I want her and MC to live here at our house so that they don't have to pay for rent, electric bill, water bill, and food, I couldn't. I don't want her study be disturbed by playing kids. With this, I will just help them financially with their living expenses.

Let's push the CDO. I couldn't think of any activities in CDO as a solo traveler. I've been there years ago, that's why. I will just practice meditation and wait for Cha's arrival.

Now, Cha is sick. Her fever keeps coming back according to MC. I asked MC a favor to take care of Cha. As much as I want to take care of her, it's beyond my capability now. I have constraints as you can see. I'm here at our house and she's there at their home. I don't know their address and I'm not allowed to go there.

In the past few days, I was thinking of getting my own house/flat first before a car. Then maybe, I can invite Cha and MC to live with me instead, or ask them to live there instead. With that, they don't have to pay for any bills (rent, electric, and water). I will also handle all their living expenses and Cha's school expenses.

I'm done eating pizzas, mojos, and Coke - food that I am not allowed to eat. LOL. Rhea's "friend" or suitor is here, downstairs.

------

12:44PM
Riri's 1st birthday was a blast! 😁

——

Just like what I thought so, チャ still loves me or at least, still has feelings for me or cares for me. If she doesn't, she wouldn't care at all whatever happens to me or she will reject all my help/gifts to her. 

Evidences?

She lied to me about the music box. She has a choice not to show it to me at all if she thinks I shouldn't care. She showed but told me it was coming from the office and not from her childhood friend who've been liking her for years. Why she told me that it was coming from somewhere else? As for me, there's nothing wrong about it since they're both single. She said, it's because I'm seloso. 😆 If you wouldn't care about the person, you will not give a damn whether that person will get jealous or not, it's none of your business already! But then, she still thought about my wellness. 😊 So that means, she still care for me. I told her that yes, I'm seloso but I'm way passed that immatureness she's thinking and I am currently practicing self-control and meditation. It's okay to get jealous as long as you don't act on it.

Another one, she was really concerned about my eye incident. I joked that it looks like it's in my tear duct then that means I will not be able to cry anymore which is a good thing. 😆

——

On the other side, I think that チャ is so careful not to hurt me in any way. She thought that I am still not growing up which is very wrong. I can changed for an instant and drastically if I would like to. Then I told her once, "I am growing up. How about you?" Maybe she still stuck to the idea that I am still the same. As for me, I already think of her differently, that her will and mental well-being have matured but her emotional well-being has not yet.

——

I think my goal right now is to help my loved ones and expect nothing in return. Living a selfless life with self-control. And this enticed me to learn and study Buddhism. Meditation and clearing one's mind. Detaching myself from this worldly desires.

Night Conversation with Her

チャ finally talked to me earlier. I treated them dinner first.

The things I gotta tell? My 3 promises:
1. I will wait for her, may it be 5, 10, or 15 yrs. I will wait but I will not expect that I will be chosen.
2. I will support her throughout her race towards her dreams and goals. Support includes, mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial health. I am not expecting anything in return. I just to want to see her become the CPA Lawyer she dreamt of.
3. I will take care of her wellness - mental and emotional.

I told her that when law school becomes tough, she can resign from work and I can finance her cost of living while she's studying. Supporting her will give me a sense of accomplishment, that I've done significant on this earth.

Conversing with her, I noticed that she's not the alert or high spirited Cha I used to know. You'll notice that she's more tense now and looks like having mental/emotional crisis. Why? Her physical body is not feeling good too. She needs to take her body so that her brain will follow. I can sense the high level anxiety, feeling of needing validation from external forces. (What am I saying? 😆) You cannot see the confidence coming from within, it's coming from outside validation. What made me think this way? I mentioned some little lies when we're talking. And she didn't notice that I was lying. She's very gullible now. The alert Cha will notice right away that I was lying because she knows me. She can easily catch when people are just saying half truth or not at all. Or better yet, some people will notice it right away just by looking at my face. She's stressed and having symptoms of depression and anxiety. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist but I once had a mental illness. With that, I can at least notice the same people through their behaviors.

What can I do now? What would Jesus do?
Stay by her side by letting her feel your presence. Assuring her that you are always there for her. Let's boost her confidence within herself little by little by giving her hope and strength that there are people other there that can support her big time and love her unconditionally.

We’ve talked about the fake engagement they had. It’s a promotional video. I told her that it’s better to tell the truth to people she’s close with than keep it a secret. It involves one’s integrity and no money can buy integrity. It’s like having a joke about the death of your relative. She said that they will only do it for 3 weeks. Then they will announce the truth. I just said, “Hope it worth every penny.” And she responded, “Okay lang yan. Friend ko naman.” For the sake of friendship, you will tire yourself for free. Unreasonable demonstration of selflessness. Maybe this is why she didn’t tell me because I will nag her. Hahaha!

I also told her I have a secret to tell but I will tell it in time - when she’s already a CPA. It’s about the ref I bought. 😆 And the secret money transfer to her account as added allowance. I have officially started the Daddy Long Legs thing. 😁

Rove aka DLL

7:36PM
I’m currently here in 7-Eleven along Madison. I think it’s the nearest one. They don’t have seats inside the store. Cars and jeepneys are passing by. I don’t have my mask with me. It’s getting difficult to breath. The 10min charge is too small for my phone. I think just enough to send max 10 SMS.

Thinking Brain:
Hi Feeling Brain. How are you? Do you still want to wait for her? I guess you do cause you are just all about intuition and impulse. If it’s okay with you, since your eyes and mind are collapsing, can we at least have a deadline? Like until 12MN only? I love you Feeling Brain and I don’t want you to get tired more. And we both love Cha. If her mind and body are unable to do so, let her be. We don’t want her to get tired, mentally and physically.

I think it would be enough that she knows that You promised to wait for her - may it take 5 or 10 years. And I think, it is enough that You are supporting her secretly as her DLL.

We are not crazy Feeling Brain. We are sane. We’re passed the immature era where we say “I’m gonna kill myself...” etc.

Feeling Brain, on this together, let’s go to that place. Let’s seek peace of mind and enlightenment. Not worry about the money cause we have trusted close friends. Buy the ticket next month, prepare the needed money, then depart.

It’s getting hotter here outside. My sweat started to drip. I still have few hours to wait.

——

6:20PM
I'm here inside a mall, near Cha's place.
I'm dizzy and no appetite for food.
But I gotta be here.
I am waiting for Cha to wake up.
Just like I have mentioned multiple times, she is worthy to be waited.

At first, I just wanna talk to her and ask her mental and physical health. Then MikMik run away. 😞 I don't know what to do. I lied and did't tell to COO admins that MikMik run away. 😞 I asked the people at home to look for her.

Now, I am dizzy. I am just staring at my food.
A friend told me to fight for Cha. I said, I promised to Cha that I will wait for her. And whatever happens, I will still support her - may it be mentally, emotionally, or financially - until she reaches her dreams. Maybe my purpose will be done once I've seen her successfully achieved her dreams and goals in life. Till then, I will commit to my promise to take care or her and support her.

I will gladly resign once I see her becomes the CPA Lawyer she dreams. Then I can now go and be gone into the fog.

-Daddy Long Legs

For the last time

Cha is having a difficult time. She may not tell it but I can feel it. I need to talk to her privately. There are things she needs to know. I'm a concerned best friend and I love her - more than a bestfriend or romantically. It's deeper beyond normal affection. Soulmate thing? I don't know what it is but I need to talk to her before it's too late.

If she really wishes not to see me nor talk to me anymore, I will be gone from her life after this private talk. I will risk everything. She may get mad at me big time after the talk but she needs to know it.

It's all about her and her wellness.

God, please let me this time. You know my heart, my intention, and my mind. I will gladly follow your light after this.

I ask, “Who are you?”

I already might have a theory why she started ignoring me since Tues night.

1) She realized something after the shoot. Maybe she better off with a guy.
2) She's becoming famous among her "friends" (online friends, not too close in person, etc).

God, no matter how great fame can do to a person, please stay still by her side. You are the only who know her heart and mind. Guide her to your righteous path. I pray that she'll not come to the point of her life when You need to clip her wings just for her to stand in the ground. I pray that she may find true happiness in every thing she's doing in her life.

I will just let her be. Give her time to digest every last drop of her success and fame. 😊

——

I'm not a famous person. I only hang out with the most introverted and shy people in the class. I remember the time when I got famous with girls when I was sophomore to junior highschool, I was still running back to my circle (Reg, Rosy, and Onin). Why? I was not comfortable being flocked by people whom I was not really close with. My circle made me feel at home and provided me a sense of security. Now as you can see, our friendship (Rosy, Reg. and I) is still as strong as rock. We both reap what we sow. Whenever we need any help - may it be financial, mental, emotional, or spiritual - we come running for each other.

Fame - especially online or virtual - can easily fade away. I was once an internet sensation for a very short time. It sometimes turn you into a person whom you aren't really. At the end of the day, you'll ask yourself "Who am I really? This feels good but where are my real friends? I don't see nor talk to them anymore."

Ok these are already behind me. Past is past. 😄

——

Fame and success can be blinding. Always remember the people who were by your side when you had nothing.
Anyway, people will realize the value of a person when they’re already gone.

Thankful Day

I did a good deed today. I'm happy that I am doing something significant on my last few weeks/months. Helping without revealing your identity... it feels good. I finally started being a daddy long legs.

God, I pray that you guide and take care of Cha. She's stressed and tired for these past few days. May you give her the strength she needs. She doesn't talk to me anymore, but that's okay. She has her own reason. I respect that. God, please just be with her always. Give her the knowledge and wisdom she needs. Please remind her that we are always here for her. And I will be here for her till my time is up. Thank you God. I know she is safe with you.

Who am I really...What's my purpose...

After months of searching, I accidentally found Cha's blog (http://thethought-of-alostgirl.blogspot.com/). I read the old posts she posted. It breaks my heart, really. The person I loved struggled big time because of me.

Maybe, she really needs time for herself now.

I also read one post where I promised to her that I will take care of her and will always be by her side when she needed someone. That she can always lean on me - financially, mentally and emotionally. I think this is the thing I am referring to, "something is telling me to help you..". I made a promise, an unbreakable promise. The thing that's telling me are my subconscious mind and my conscience.

I am really sorry Cha. I really sucked. No words can explain how worse my blunders were. I did many mistakes. I hurt you many times in the past. I'm not sure how to repay you. It's all because of me why you became like that, struggling.

Maybe I am not really good with people. Instead of taking care of the people I value the most, I am hurting them.

Who am I really? I'm the child of God. I want to be one.
Maybe, to be a monk is really a good idea. Living in the mountains secluded from the society, praying, will help me find the light and discover who really I am. I hope it's not a form of running away, a little maybe.

I think helping my loved ones from a distance, without my physical presence, will do good to them. I'm better off to go...

Need to plan my departure. I still have 3 months.

(My Tiger is sleeping soundly beside me...Hope he's excited to see her little sister.)



Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

Went out the sun was high 😅

What would Jesus do?

Instead of seen-zone her too, I responded since I have time. I'm not rude. 😊 Don't dwell in negative things. "Always return hatred with kindness."

I was browsing the internet and I came across this http://www.watpahnanachat.org/. I will do a research and I will apply for at least a month of stay here. Then let's see if this is really my calling. For the meantime, I will start learning Buddhism.

My Tiger is waiting for her little sister.

Bread’s Thoughts

10:14AM

Haha! Nahihiya na ko sa ginagawa ko. Mukha na kong stalker, minus the following around and knowing the whereabouts, sa ginagawa ko. LOL.

I sent messages. Seen-zone.
I sent help. Seen-zone.
Pati sila Tigs, seen-zone narin. :( Nahihiya na ko para sa mga furbabies namin. Hindi sila pinapansin ng nanay nila. :( Dahil siguro may new furbabies na sya? :( Ako nalulungkot para kila Tigs.

"What would Jesus do?"
If it's Jesus, he would just continually provide help. And continue to reach out. Self-less service.

Ang hirap maging Jesus. Haha! Lord, kinun nyo nalang po ako. Ba't ang hirap ng tasks/mission nyo sakin? Hindi po ako magaling sa pakikipag kapwa. Alam nyo naman na mas gugustuhin ko nalang manahimik sa isang tabi kesa maghabol ng tao ng ayaw naman sakin. -_-"

Ba't pa kelangan maging human being~!!! Mas gugustuhin ko nalang maging kuto. Para isang tiris lang, tapos na. I served my purpose. LOL.

Ano bang profession that doesn't required mingling with other human beings?
Madre? No. Have to go to church and talk to people.
Writer? No. Have to attend to book signing. But then, most of the time, they just stay inside their office/room writing. Nice idea.
Monk? Probably. I will be secluding my self from the society and live in the mountains, praying and reflecting 24hrs a day. This is a great idea!

Can I do this yolo thing? Run away to Thailand or Cambodia and live as a monk? I better give myself deadline. When all else fails, I'll do this.

Today is July. How about 3 months? I will evaluate my life on the first week of Oct. Then if nothing good comes out, I will leave on my birthday. YOLO. No itineraries, no advance booking, nothing at all. I will just let my feet take me anywhere.

Timeline:
July to Sep. Do my best to be of a service. Help my family (this includes Cha) and relatives. Cleaning up my things.
Oct 1-9. Life evaluation.
Oct 10-15. Decision has to be made. Preparation, secure the life of the people I will leave behind.
Oct 17. Set off. Fly away.

God, please help me this time.

-----

12:03AM

Me and my team watched Lion King earlier. And that was the only time I finally understood the story of Lion King. When I was a kid, I first watched the cartoon version probably I was 5 yrs old. I think I was amazed with the colors and stuff but never understand the story and life's lesson. It's a nice movie and not recommended for kids. Haha! Pre-requisite: must have watched the cartoon version. 😁

I sent food to チャ earlier. She needs it. A simple treat/reward for a job well done this week. 😊 She really worked hard and she deserves it. 

Also transferred allowance to her. Why? I'm not sure. Something's telling me that I should help her.

I was thinking...when I changed for the better (accepted by the Christianity), can God pick me up out of here? It's not that I wanted to die early. It's just that people are prone to temptations and evil things work by the enemies if they are doing good in this world. I don't wanna go back to being "evil" or a sinner. I am a sinner yes. But I am trying so hard to control my thoughts and not move on impulse. Without controlling it, I'll be prone to committing a sin which I will regret later on.

One question I thought today that may help me decide before I act on something, "what would Jesus do?"

Some other says, when you are done with your purpose, big chance, you will ascend to heaven earlier. But I still have no clue what's mine. I read in All Purpose Driven Life that Life is a Temporary Assignment. The most common "good deed" is to help others. And this is what I have started doing and I will do it till I don't have anything left. (Anyway, we don't really own anything in this world.) I have to help my family (this includes チャ as she's already part of the family since she was 3 yrs old). 

It is funny how life can be. Have you ever thought that after 17 yrs, チャ and I will meet again? Nobody thought of that - even I. I had childhood friends (one in a year or two) but I never thought I'm going to see them again. I was already assuming that they are living happily across the globe.

So this means, no one can manipulate destiny. I'm no longer afraid of losing someone. It's a natural phenomenon and it's been happening to all of us in some point of our lives. Life is just becoming interesting with our choices.

The circle of life. We are all connected.

For the recent movies or series I watched, they all mentioned about how we are all connected. If I am going to think about it deeply, we are all brothers and sisters.

Then I snapped on a thought, "If I'm not a working professional, I might be a full-pledge pastor or preacher." ☺️ This was my ultimate dream role.

(I fell asleep while writing this.😅)

To be continued...

Happy to serve! Yes!

Let me be your daddy long legs.
I may not be a millionaire now but let me help you up to the very best I can.
I don't really know why but let me support you throughout.
I am not expecting anything in return. Helping you just makes me happy.

Maybe the only way you can give back is, I should be able to see you succeed in life. 😊

Inner Peace

Now I think, why push thyself to someone who doesn't like you even as a friend?

Self-respect.

That's because she's pretty and famous? And one day may become CPA and Lawyer?

Tsss. You don't need that Rove. You don't need any of that.

What you need is someone who like you for who you are and accept you for who you are even as a friend.

It's better to have a friend who is a janitor or maid because they know the value of relationships. They know the value of "pinagsamahan". They appreciate the people who have helped them - who were by their side through thick and thin.

Only time and experience can mold someone's life and behavior.

People need peace of mind and not some successful stories.

——

To チャ,
I still root for you. Just like what I said, I still support you throughout your journey. May you find inner peace and be successful in life.
-Rove

You will always be my ハニー

2:35AM

Did you know the reason why I didn’t tell to all the people around me that I was in a relationship? It’s because I was afraid that one day, iiwan din nya ko. Then it happened nga. And it’s not my forte to tell stories to people when they ask about my lovelife. What will I tell them if one day we broke up? I’m not in showbiz to tell all the details.

I plan to announce it when we’re about to get married so no more dramas and no more gossips.

The promise ring. I gave that as my promise that I will marry her someday - when my financials are already capable to provide all her needs including a house. Pero di nya ko naantay. 😞 I was willing to take the risks and wait her. But she doesn’t want me to wait. In fact, she hated me now.

——

1:35AM

All of a sudden, チャ doesn't want to talk to me. She said, she's moving on. She said, wala raw syang iba. She doesn't even want me to be her friend anymore.

My friend said, "hindi naman magsasabi sayo ang ex mo na meron na syang iba eh". And she advised me na hayaan nalang si チャ. She also said, mag move on narin daw ako and start dating after few months. Sabi ko, di kadali yun. It’s easy to say than done.

Now I am crying (again). For more than 4 years we've been together, alam ko kung badtrip ba sya or highblood. Alam ko paano sya pakalmahin. Alam ko yung mga flaws nya and I love them all. She was my queen. I served her with all my might as her knight. I was so faithful and loyal to her. I always put her first over my friends. Pag kailangan nya ng company, I was always available na samahan sya - despite the distance, hours, and my work schedule. Drove miles and miles para sunduin sya, padalhan sya, or suyuin sya. Tulungan sya sa lahat ng maabot ng makakaya ko. Binigay ko lahat God. But she threw me away just like that.

What did I do wrong to experience all of these? Gusto ko nalang iuntog tong ulo ko para makalimutan yung four years na pinagsamahan namin.

Gusto ko nalang mag-volunteer na ipadala sa outer space even without the assurance na makakabalik pa sa Earth. I don't fucking care! Bring me there!

Even I am sobbing right now, ayaw ko magpatalo sa depression ko. I love myself. No one will love me except me.

Ang tagal ng Aug. Ang tagal ng Oct. Gusto ko na mag-DND at maging busy tong utak ko. Hindi yung pain ng heartbreak ang mas nakakapagpasakit, kung hindi ang memories you shared with the person.

Dahil ba sa pinanganak ako na babae, wala na ko karapatan magmahal ng tunay? Na ang tanging paraan lang para makakilala ako ng taong magmamahal sakin at di ako iiwan ay dapat mayaman at successful ako? Kung yun lang din ang batayan, then will it be! I will be fucking rich! I swear over my dead body. For those people who discriminate people like me, fuck you all! I will make sure that I am richer and more successful than you! I swear in this Universe. All of you fucking bastard who stepped down on people like us, you'll suffer twice as much as we have suffered.

Now, I am looking at myself in the mirror. My sobbing has stopped. Everything has stopped, hopefully my breathe too.

As I wondered around my room, she still has lots of things here. I don't mind. I told her to use this room as her storage. It was OUR room.

——

チャ, wherever you are, I still want and pray for your happiness. Wag ka magpapatalo sa stress at problems ng life na ibabato sayo. I know kaya mo yan. I should've be there to assist you but you chose to leave. Di kita sinisisi sa naging decision mo. I respect it, just like how I respect you since the day nakilala kita. I am sorry if I had flaws and was not capable enough for you in any way. I'm sorry kung hindi ako ka-proud proud sayo. Someday magiging proud ka rin sakin even as your friend. You know what, I am still very proud of you. Lahat ng accomplishments mo at tapang mo to face this life. You had undesirable past, but you didn't let it stop you to achieve your dreams. At dahil dun kahangahanga ka talaga. And that's also the reason kaya mas lalo kita minahal at na-appreciate nun. Dahil sa mga na-experience mo sa life, mas gusto kita alagaan at gabayan. Pero I guess hindi na ko welcome sa life mo. Pero ayos lang, I know you will be fine.

Just always remember this,

When in doubt, pray.
When you need strength, pray.
When you need wisdom to create sound decisions, pray.

Best buddy: Thinking Brain and Feeling Brain

Now I understand little by little about what happened to me in the past 10 years.

I was a balance kid - thinking brain and feeling brain. Then I first fell in love then got hurt, my feeling brain got hurt that when I started working, my thinking brain started to drive the wheels. But when feeling brain wants to do something out of impulses, thinking brain just let it because it knows the suffering feeling brain had. Until the day feeling brain started to be a passenger only while thinking brain maneuver my life. Five years or more have passed, I fell in love again. It’s true that “love is blind”. My feeling brain took over the wheel and had the thinking brain back to the passenger seat. Thinking brain only comment few but mostly, feeling brain made all the impulses. It went for few years until I had my another heartbreak which was the worst of all. Thinking brain is now kicking feeling brain out of the driver’s seat and blaming it for all the hurts and pains it is now experiencing.

Reading this, I need to go back to the time where my thinking brain and feeling brain were best buddy. And that was when I was a kid (elementary/high school).

I need to practice again on having them both discuss first every little thing before I will do something.

——

About チャ. Yes I love her. I can still wait while moving on. I need to refrain myself from bothering her. Give her time and space. This is what my thinking brain is saying. If after months or years, we’re still single and she’s ready to be in a commitment again, then ask to court her. Don’t be sad, feeling brain. It would be nice if both of you grow up individually right? If the mature チャ still attracts you after years, then that would be nice. If not, at least you’ve become friends.

Lovelife can wait. If ever you will feel sad or just want hugs, you have Riri, Tiger, and Api. 😊 They are more than willing for your love and care.

For now, let’s take heed of the advice of thinking brain: let her be for now.

When I found you, I found me.

Earlier, I was riding the motorcycle going home when it rained. It rained so hard that both my feet were drenching wet. My sneakers are now dripping wet and not sure if it will dry up tomorrow.

Then I remembered the time when I was soaked under the rain going home from school. I didn't ride the tricycle but opt to walk going home. It looks like I was filming a music video with all the rain and stuff. 😆 I was broken hearted that time with my first relationship. It was the same feeling as earlier. Drown all the sadness and cleanse my heart from pain. Only the method was different - riding instead of walking - as I am now a working professional.

Passing the west bank road, looking at the light posts on the other side of the river made me think, "it looks the same as with Kuala Lumpur". Same night, same street. Then what if I work in KL? I think I will not feel homesick as they are the same as here.

Then thoughts of encountering an accident clouded my mind. What if I got into an accident that will bring me to the ICU? Then I had flatline but the doctor revived me. Then the nurse called my family and told the news. Then what if my family was only able to see me breathing for four (4) hours max then I had flatline again and never woke up? Maybe my soul was already wandering, visiting the people that made an impact to my life. And maybe I was able to see チャ sleeping soundly in her sleep with many miscalls in her cellphone from my sister. Then I just touched her right cheek with my palm and kissed her in the forehead saying, "Goodnight my dear".

I cannot think anymore of killing myself (suicidal) as I don't wanna go to hell. I am only wishing that God will one day get me out of here in this world. And maybe, for that to happen, I need to fulfill my life's purpose. I was already praying for years for God to show me my purpose so that I can start doing it. But alas, I'm still not sure what it is.

Another thought, why wouldn't I try publishing a book containing all the stuff I've written here in my blog? Maybe I can inspire others to go on with their life no matter how difficult and crazy life is. That they need to keep going though they don't understand a thing. I'll check on this. But first, I need to review all my posts as there are redundancy with my words and sentences. 😆

I thought also on the way home, after completing my Masters, I will take PhD in Psychology. Why? I want to understand human beings' mind and emotions, especially myself. Since I will be dealing with my fucked mental and emotional distress forever, I should at least know what's happening in my mind and how to overcome such overthinking and anxiety. I don't care if my mom will get mad with my decisions. I don't care anymore. I'm already at the point of my life where I don't care anymore what other people are saying. I trusted then got deceived. I received then lost everything.

Note: I'm not the kind of person who just trust anyone 100%. There were only two persons in my life whom I tried hard to please - my mom and my ex-partner, チャ. But now, I don't care anymore! Anyway, they left me hanging when I needed them.

It's time to prove to myself that I am capable of anything. That I can control my life. That I won't have to please anyone but myself only. That I will be fucking successful even without help from anyone. I will fight alone and I will be a winner!

So help me God.

——

Playing: Rescue Me by Marshmello
I'm into Marshmello album tonight. Their music are my taste. 😄

Keeping me going

I've started reading, "Everything is fucked".

How I wish I have unli supply of money so that I can go to gym everyday. I need this to pump my happy hormones out and overcome this depression symptoms.

After I enrolled to MM, I will enroll back to my PT. I need to support my mental and emotional health. And I think this is for lifetime. With this, I need to be wealthy enough to support myself and keep me sane.

Riri is also a good source of good vibes to me. I also need to take care of Venice. They are one of few people who will stay with me through out.

God, heal me.

....

チャ you are free to go. I don't want you to suffer anymore. I have this depression, as you all know, and symptoms keep coming back once in a while. And I don't think you are ready mentally and emotionally to deal with people like me.

It's my company till I depart this world. I'll have to deal with this alone since I am trained to be alone. 😊 So go and do what you want to do with your life. I will just be here, supporting you. ☺️

Morning thoughts

Parang ayaw ko na kunin si Rain.
Hindi dahil sa ayaw ko na mag-alaga pa ng new pet.
But napamahal na sya kay チャ. Hindi ko ugali magtanggal ng happiness ng ibang tao.

Mas aalagaan ko nalang yung mga natirang furbabies ko - Tigs, Api, and Roshi. Iniwan na sila ng mamy nila kaya mas need nila ko.

Sabi nga nila, "Let's love more those who chose to stay." Mas pagtuunan natin ng pansin yung mga tao or bagay na nasa atin pa kesa yung mga nawala na. Wala na sila eh. Wala na tayo magagawa dun. Let's do our best nalang sa mga andyan pa para sila di rin mawala satin. 😊

Rove, just do what you need to do. Marami kang pede gawin. Isa na dun ay ang magpayaman! 😁 Pag mayaman kana, lahat magagawa mo - kahit having a beautiful and faithful woman to be your wife. 😉 Malay mo, isang Victoria's Secret model pa makatuluyan mo. 😜 HAHAHA! Walang imposible sa mundo. 😆 Darating din yung time mo to shine! Basta continually improve yourself, internally and externally. 😁

——

On other side, congrats to チャ for her 1 year in PCBS. Happy 1st Work Anniversary! Keep it up! You deserve to have all the good things in life. 😊

How to...someday

How to unloved someone romantically?

I am hurting because I love her.
I want to arrive at the point of my life where I will not care anymore about her. Whatever she'll do, I don't care.
I want to arrive at the point of my life where I will only see her as a friend just like anyone else.

When someone ignores you, that means, you don’t mean anything to that person. And that's why チャ doesn't have any time even seconds for you.

——

Spend my time to other things:
- go on adventures
- hang out with new friends
- read
- yes to all outing of friends
- yes to all activities of family

Less time:
- hang out with her
- avoid initiating conversation (she's busy and so am I)

Someday, I want to see myself dating other women. Women who will take notice of me and my effort.
Women who will reciprocate my attention.

Someday, I will be.

I swear!

So help me God.

You’ll be healed soon.

Sabi sayo Rove eh. Masasaktan ka lang. May iba na sya nagugustuhan.

Iiyak mo lang yan. Lahat ng yan iiyak mo lang. hanggang sa wala ng luha ang tumulo pa para sa kanya.

At darating ang araw, ngingiti kana lang sa langit at sasabihing "I have overcome the most difficult heartbreak I had in my life."

So help me God.

To チャ

チャ,

I am sorry if you notice that I am no longer open to you. I thought if I have a best friend, I'll be an open book. But no, it's not. I can only confidently open myself to my partner who's also my best friend. I treat my relationship or partner as the person I trust to 101%. We have this commitment and I'm okay to take all the risks to expose every strengths and weaknesses I have to the person. I hope you notice that when we were still together - I was talkative. I showed the talkative side of me without any constraints. But now that we're just best friends, I am no longer confident to show or tell you every plans I may have or the things I was thinking. I may have trauma or what but this is me, I am very introvert. I tend to keep everything inside of me and only the person I will share my life with for the rest of my life has every right to know what's up with me.

I still love you. And I asked you a favor, to tell me when you are liking someone new or seeing someone else. I will gladly be gone from your life completely.

I deserve better

I need to practice ignoring her. I always initiate the SMS or call. It also seems that my FB feeds are hidden from her. No matter how many hours she spends in FB, she doesn’t see any of my posts. She really wanted to show the world that we’re not connected anymore despite we’re chatting online or sometimes seeing each other. It looks like I'm still chasing her or pushing myself to her.

Remember, she already ended what's between us. We're just friends now. I should not expect anything from her. I should not act as if we are still in a relationship.

Move on Rove. Self-respect. She's not the only woman in this world. If she cannot see your worth, then it's her lost, not yours. You deserve better. 😉 Enough of this nonsense and craziness. Stop coming back to her. She’s just playing with your heart and mind.

Remember, you are single. Don't act like you have a girlffriend. 😋 There are beautiful women around you. So don't worry. If she's not here in PH, soon you'll meet her outside. God is still preparing her. Be patient and take heart. The most deserving woman will soon arrive in your life.

Independent Rove

The real Rove is a risk taker, an impulsive, an adventurous, and "have its own world" person.

Now, I would like to try every #yolo and adventures that will interest me out of the blue. No more second thoughts. I will spend every penny I have to live a life without regrets. Anyway, I am single and I don't have any partner anymore. I will just use all into myself - aside from my family. No more long term saving for "me and my partner" thing. 😆 I will just continue investing and saving for myself. 😋

I am successful as I am currently enjoying life.
I will be successful financially for myself.

——

Learned new sport (freediving) ✔️
Started using headphones ✔️
Haircut ✔️
Facial ✔️
Eyebrow threading ✔️
Warts removal 🔜
Travel alone (Camiguin) 🔜
Buy wireless earphones 🔛
Enroll to graduate school 🔜

——

When you don't know anymore what you are doing but you do it anyway. #yolo 😎

Never stop moving forward.
Not sure about the future? Keep moving.
Past dragging you? Keep moving.
What to do next? Keep moving.
About to get stuck? Keep moving.

So help me God.

Freediving

Since I'm an impulsive person, I took Intro to Freediving lesson this weekend (Jul 13-14).

Note: Impulsive and risk taker are the real Rove. 😆

I asked Gretch last Wed, Jul 10, about the place where she took last time. Long story short, she ended up joining me though she doesn't plan to freedive this weekend since she had already in the previous two weekends. Haha! She's already a fun diver while me needed to start from start - student.

Now, Gretch, Tala (her friend who's also a fun diver), and me are stuck in the traffic here in SLEX. They are talking about their guys they met in online dating which they were dating. Haha! They were talking about it since last night. 😒

I want to have a break from it! I went away to drown all the thoughts about lovelife but then these people are talking about their lovelife. 😕 If they really like the guys, they should tell it to them. Not wait and hoping for the guys to send them SMS or call them. The guys have already felt rejected. 😕 Women are really complicated!!! If the guys like/love you and you also like/love them, tell them and start dating exclusively! These women are like チャ. 😕 Can you women be honest with yourselves? Don't let us get away because you are afraid to take risks and afraid to voice out your feelings. 🙁

——

Going back, I enjoyed learning the Basic Freediving and its safety and self-help lessons. I'm now excited to apply what I've learned at Camiguin. 😁

Btw, I need to search what technique I should use for equalization. I cannot equalize successfully during duck dive. 😞 Don't know why. Because of it, I cannot go deeper more than 2-3 meters though I still have lots of air. Also, need to improve my finning - less effort and flowy instead of small but forceful.

Hope I can continue this new fun activity though it's expensive - 1k+ every fundive (2D/1N).

Random Thoughts

Yung gusto mo na palitan password ng most of the accounts mo.. dahil it is still say "0612". 😕

Let's forget about this date and so with other dates - 05/23, 05/25. Let's have the same faith as with your first ex - I don't even remember the Monthsary date. 😂

Accept the pain, then move on.

Free Diving #yolo

Done with Day 1 Free Diving Intro. 🥴
Conquered my fear in the middle of the sea! 😁 Maybe because, I was not alone.
Tired. 😴
Day 2 tomorrow. It said, lesson is about safety in the sea.
——
This is so me with チャ. 😆 (Why am I still? I thought I'm already moving on. 😟)

Welcome back to your own world!

Let's drown every bit of sadness and loneliness I may have. Wash it all away. 🙂

Welcome to being alone again, Rove. Soon, you will emerge into your own world again and I welcome you for that.

In Gym

How was I able to pull through every exercise that's very difficult - e.g. lifting heavy dumbells?

When I am already grinning and clenching my teeth, I just keep my focus then think of my ex's face, チャ, and say to myself, "this is nothing compared on how much pain I got from breaking my heart!" 

She's an inspiration! 😁

Every pain I experience in life is being converted into an inspiration. 😉

Where do broken hearts go?

I came across this article and it's nice.

"It's people's right not to reciprocate your love for them" Sad but true. 😢 I've been living my life like this. And I am still imagining a life where my love and effort be reciprocated.

Where do broken hearts go?

They: Mt. Pulag!

Me: Gym!

Let life do its wonders

10:32PM

If there will be a woman who is kind, faithful, loyal, hindi ako iiwan, and has nice personality that will have a crush on me, liligawan ko na agad! 😆 And after of 2-3 years of dating, mag-ppropose na ko. 😁 Hindi ko na papatagalin pa, baka mawala pa eh. Haha! Hindi naman nababase sa tagal ng pinagsamahan ang makakatuluyan mo eh, nasa tao lahat yun. 😉 And since it’s gonna be an engagement ring, it should worth atleast Php200k.

Then in the end, magpapayaman muna ko para ma-afford ko yung 200k worth na ring. Hahaha!

P.S. On a serious note, seems like I can only be more open to my partner-bestfriend. I have few close friends but I don’t tell them all. I don’t open my heart and mind to them. チャ was the only person I trusted to with everything I have. Now we’re just friends, part of me is not as open to her as before.

——

5:23PM

Well, if ever チャ will let someone court her or ligawan her, I would be jealous even a little. Of course! I am still the ex. Haha!

But hopefully, she'll tell me if there will be someone liking her. Moreover, if she's having a crush on someone else. I just want to know too. Because, if there is, I'll distance myself right away. I'm a jealous partner and I don't want her special someone to get jealous of me that she's still talking to her ex. Respect. I value respect.

On the other side, Point Blue kept on sending me email notifications now about Teka. For the last 7-8 months, I've been waiting for it and kept asking for updates. Because the original plan is to get a place for both of us. Now, it arrived but we've already broken up. Sad but this is part of the perks of being in a relationship and planning too long. LOL!

---

4:04PM

Post I came across in FB:

Well, I really fell in love with チャ that time after few dates. And during the almost 4 years of being together, I was not feeling “in love” everyday. It’s just that I was committed to her. She’s lucky as I was loyal and faithful to her. 😉 I chose her so it’s not about “being in love” everyday. 😜

Now, I don’t wanna force anyone, esp. her to still like/love me after having left again. Let’s not make our hopes high. 😋

——

Since I am acting and thinking like single, my mind is now more open to chances - no more eye blinders. 😊 I don’t want to ignore any possibilities around me anymore. 

Anyway, チャ is pretty and has a nice personality. Plus, based on her history, men are chasing her. Then it’s not a problem for her to get a better partner. She’s like a flower that just needs to wait for a deserving bee to come over. Then she just have to choose the winner. 

Me? I need extra effort to improve myself (physically, mentally, and statuses) so that I will have a fighting chance - even little - to women I will like and possibly try to ask for a date in the future. 😅 So before I can start dating, I need to load up my gun first with lots of bullets.

Anyway, I am already kind, faithful, loyal, and consistent. Just need to improve my statuses in life - financially and physically. Hahaha!

Let’s go down to business, ya’ll! 😎

Alright. I'm trying to think if I missed something in any of my responsibilities:

- July PLDT bill be paid today when I go and get my eyebrow threading.
- CPI payment on 18th.
- Done paying Riri's souvenirs.
- Done paying DP for this weekend's class.
- Withdraw money for weekend.
- Done paying CCs' bills-except for チャ's CP and watch.
- Borrowed money for Mom will be sent on Monday.
- Done buying wireless earphones.
- Set aside money for furbabies' next vet appointment.
- Book 1-way ticket for チャ today.
- Start doing my essays.
- Ask my College Prof and Gretch to create recommendation letters for me. 😁
- So forth and so on...

Waaaah! I better have post-it notes and paste it to my wall so that I won't forget! 😅

——

On the other side, I'm enjoying again music, mobile games, and reading. I'm already tired of talking to my online friends. 😒 I also met with Ana, College barkada, yesterday at the office. It's her first week this week. 😁 Also came across with a College close friend at the elev, Conchi. 😁 Then next week Tue, I will have July dinner with Madam Beshies. I need to buy advance gift for Innah's bday today. 😁What should be.. Hmmm...

I'm starting to love my single life again! Haha!
Thank you very much God! I know that in due to time, everything will be healed. Thank you my Lord. Thank you for your unconditional love. ☺️ Amen!

Thoughts

Just random thoughts:

The reason why I kept kissing チャ in the lips the last time she went here (Monday)?

They said, when you like/love a person, there will be spark. I did those to see if I will feel something - the same feeling when I was still innocently in love with her (around 2015-2017). But I didn't. Maybe because she kept on pushing me away. Then I realized, love should not be forced. It will naturally consume a person. It should be mutual. This might be the reason I didn't feel anything - unlike the last time she was here before Monday. I got chills when she accepted my kisses and when she was the one who kissed me.

——

Time and distance will either make one heart ponder or make one forget.

——

I enjoy reading All The Bright Side. It's a simple young love. I'm also excited yet a little bit nervous for this weekend's class. 😣

Soundtrip

Might run across your mind but don't worry 'bout me, no

My heart is back in one piece, it ain't skipped a beat, no

Feeling rested up, I ain't missing sleep, no oh

Don't take it personal if I can't reply now

I'm distant 'cause I don't wanna be reached now

Won't let the ghosts of our past weigh my future down

I'm liberated

Energy's like a circle, it comes back around

Reciprocated

Don't shed no more tears

Won't gain no empathy from me

In the upcoming years

Oh, I don't need your pity

Don't check on me

Oh, don't check on me

If we're not together, then it's probably for a reason

Every heartbreak has its season

And it looks like winter for you

Ain't call you back 'cause I let it go

I had to focus energy and just let it flow

And when we ride low, we're already gone

It wouldn't mean anymore to me now

I know it hurts you so bad just to see me happy

That I finally moved on, and you thought it wouldn't happen

At times I used to cry, wouldn't know when I was laughing

But I act like I didn't notice

---

Ayy, チャ, don't you be a meanie

Thought you wanted me to go up

Why you tryna keep me teeny now?

Now they need me, number one on streaming

Oh yeah, you used to love me

So what happened, what's the meaning? I

Just say to me, what you want from me

Just say to me, what you want from me

Mind my own business

12:58PM

I’m still not taking a bath. 😆 My whole body is aching. I can request for WFH today but it’s so hot that I better be at the office (aircon). 😁 Moreover, I am now bored chatting to my online friends. 😒 I feel like I just want to read a book today. I have nothing much to do today (no gym too) so I’m just gonna read a book between work hours. 😁 Then maybe go window shopping at VGC to check out JBL wireless earphones. 😎 Feels like I am going back to the old Rove, the College Rove who is very independent, loves music, doesn’t need anyone, and immersed in my own world. 😜

Though I’m becoming in love with being alone, I should still try to go on dates. 😋 I’ll try after the Aug 25th - but no promises. 😝

——

9:39AM

Rove, get a life! Stop bothering チャ!

It's none of your business if she's going on a date.  And so with you, it's none of her business if you'll go on a date.

Both of you are technically single, then think and act like one! Do your own thing and she'll do hers, okay? Do what makes you happy and let her do what makes her happy. 😊 You are best friends and not some lover birds. 😋

——

God, please keep us safe both. Please give us enough strength and wisdom for every step we'll take in our life. In Jesus name, amen!

Change is inevitable

I only have four (4) sessions left with my PT. I will get back to her when I have already enrolled myself to Term 2. 😄 I don't wanna stop changing myself for the better - including my body. 😜

Let's not talk about my ex now. Let's avoid talking about people who don't want to be disturbed. 😋 I don't wanna initiate any SMS or conversation anymore. When I do, I'm becoming the old Rove who madly chased her and was so stupid for losing my self-respect. Let's not chase people whom we don't matter.

She may be pretty and has a good future ahead of her, but so what? I don't mind having my next girlfriend a fruit vendor or a house keeper. I only need is someone who's God-fearing, kind, loyal, faithful, consistent, hardworking, and doesn't give up on me. Anyway, we can help each other and get rich. 😜 I don't wanna experience being left again every time I'm at my low. Then get back to me when I'm at my happy moments. My ex did that to me multiple times. And when I look back, I was so stupid for keeping on accepting her back.

Let's move on. Past is past. Both of us have already changed and still changing.

In 2 weeks, I'll be officially 2 months single. I now have few new friends - chatmates. 😆 They all just need new friends and so do I. After 3-5 months, maybe I'll start dating again. But I doubt someone will like to date me romantically. 😂 Anyway, just keep on improving myself and maybe, I will be enjoying again being single. That I won't give a fuck to dating and headaches anymore. 😆 Done with pleasing and serving a queen as a knight. That I'm better off alone. 😋 

——

This weekend, I'll be joining a free diving class. Two birds hit by one stone.

1) I'll be traveling alone. No friend nor partner.

2) I'll be learning to swim and dive to open sea.

Both of them are a little bit uncomfortable and I have a little fear. 😅 But let's conquer our fears! Rove is an adventurous fella! 😄

——

Thoughts about eLoveLetter

Yesterday, I sent eLoveLetter to チャ. And a pahabol now. 😁

——

She didn't say anything when I told her yesternight I sent her email. She just said, "Nabasa ko na." 😅

——

My latest eLetter is true. Overthinking can kill us. Sometimes, life wants us to take risks and be adventurous.

I mentioned in the eLetter that "I cannot wait forever." Realistically, it's true. When someone says "I can wait for you forever", s/he is already lying 5-10%. Nobody knows what will happen. And people get tired at some point when they recognize their efforts are not being appreciated nor reciprocated. Because it's not making sense anymore. Only martyr or battered people do love pain more than happiness.

——

Since my life is changing and I am changing, I can say that I can now be more open to opportunities. Accepting and exploring them with a grateful heart and mind. I don't wanna shut down any ideas. I am still a big risk taker and adventurous anyway. I've already lost a lot, what else to lose? 😁

——

On Aug 25th, I am officially 3month single. And this time, I should be already ready to meet new friends. And maybe, start dating? (the Western way) 😆😂 Let's see. But I bet having new friends than start dating. 😝😆

Take a rest

I've just realized, I need to wait for December before I can ask チャ again if she'll be ready for a commitment? (December is the end of 1st semester) And there's no assurance that she'll say "yes" when that time comes.

Conclusion:

Let's not wait. Don't wait for her Rove. Just let her do the things she wanna do in her life. And you just do what you wanna do in your life. Both of you are technically single, then think and act like one. 😉

Anyway, you have already done 101% of your effort and she knows it. You served her (as your queen) up to your maximum since the start of this year. And she's aware that though only 10% of our life is within our control, you went beyond to 12%.

As long as you don't have any regrets, you're doing fine. You can now take a rest. Let Him do the rest in your life. It's time to spend more with yourself, your family, and your friends.

Take a rest Rove. You've already done enough. It's her loss if she does not see it. 😊

——

God, please continually guide me to the path you have laid upon my life. I entrust everything unto you including my plans, dreams, and goals in life. In Jesus name, amen!

Perks

As much as I want na ipag-grocery ka, I can't. Hindi naman tayo.

As much as I want to order food for you, I can't. Hindi naman tayo.

The things I won't do to my close friends, I will also not do to you since mag best friends nalang tayo. At hindi rin ako nanliligaw to do all those courting stuff.

I like you but I have my boundaries. I am sorry. 🙁

We can no longer do things that we used to do when we were still a couple or in a relationship. Avoid the stuff only couples do.

A little chat

——

Since I am technically single, we are technically single, I will think and act like one.

I don’t want to say that I will wait for her. Because I might fail in the middle, I don’t want to commit or promise that I will wait till the day she successfully passed her 1st sem subjects. And we also don’t know what will happen next. We both just need to lay all our plans unto Him and trust Him do the wonders in our life.

Then let me do below:

In God’s perfect timing

And a woman who will not give up on you and accept for who you are but change you for the better.

Someday... in the right time at the right place, the right person will arrive. 😊

Be patient Rove.

Aja aja!

Each day, I'm reminding myself that I am already single and so with チャ. That I should refrain myself from doing things that only a boyfriend/partner can do to his girlfriend/partner. That I should no longer react to anything チャ will do to her life.

Rove, move on. You can do it. Just keep on fighting. Aja aja! Overcome your depression and so with your sadness. God is there for you. Time heals. Just keep on going.

Change for the better

Yes, this is true. And I've been doing these for few months already - go to gym though I'm lazy, eat healthy food and reject that are not though I would like to taste my past faves, go commute just to have enough sunlight though I hate pollution, go to office late just to have enough sleep, read books though I am lazy sometimes, and talking/catching up with my family, colleagues, and close friends just to redirect my thoughts.

I've been doing all these alone. I need to learn how to stand on my own without any help from anyone. I was so dependent with my ex-partner in the past. Now that I'm single, I should learn how to overcome this depression by myself since I'll be dealing with this forever. Anyway, I'm not really alone. I have my God with me. ☺️

——

I love チャ, my ex-partner, and I have to let her go.
I don't wanna hurt her anymore. She deserves a partner who will protect her, care for her, respect her, and not hurt her. Anyway, she's an attractive woman so having suitors won't be a problem to her. She just have to be wise enough to choose the right partner for her.

As for me, I grabbed this opportunity to change myself and revamp myself to be a better person. Then maybe someday, when I meet the right person for me, I'll be all ready. ☺️ Anyway, I already proved that I am a respectful, loyal, faithful, and caring partner. I just have to reduce my 'overprotective' personality. 😆

——

May God continually keep my heart and mind calm and find inner peace.

God’s love: Letting someone go

Thank you for letting me know. ☺️

No matter how I tell you I've changed or I'm in the process of changing myself for the better, it doesn't matter anymore. I know it's difficult for you to forgive. But I am hoping and praying that you will forgive me someday.

I love you and I don't wanna hurt you anymore. And because I've loved you much, I am letting you go now. You deserve a better life.

Thank you my love for everything. You will always have a special place in my heart. ☺️

God’s Gift: Forgiveness

It's true. That it took me almost a year to forgive the 3rd party between me and my ex, not until recently. I hope that I have finally  forgiven him. And this means, I have forgiven my ex too 101%. I don't have any baggage anymore. I'm ready to move on now and start anew. 

Also, I found out that my ex has not yet forgiven me for the hurts I caused her. As of now, Sorrys are of no use to her. Hopefully, she'll forgive me though it will take years. But what I pray is that she'll forgive herself first so that she can forgive others. 😞 The she can move forward.

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I remember the deaf comedian woman who had a talk. She said that the only gift that cannot be taken away from us is Forgiveness. And in order to forgive the people who caused us so much pain, we should forgive ourselves first.

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I pray that God's love help us forgive each other. That God will lift all these baggages and help us move on.

Thank you God for your unconditional and unending love. Because of this, my heart and mind are continually being cleansed. Please always remind me to be patient in every little I am doing in life. Please guide me to the path you have laid upon my life. Please give me knowledge and wisdom so that I can make sound decisions that are according to your will. Thank you Holy Spirit for being always there for me and for my family. I pray all these things in the mighty name of my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, amen!

Resolve

Each action, I got to ask myself "Is this okay for bestfriends?"

As I said, I should stop treating チャ as if she's my girlfriend. She's just a close friend now. She's no longer my queen that I should treat very dearly.

Moving on and readying myself for the deserving woman.

I deserve a consistent partner. I deserve a woman whom her words are consistent with her actions. I deserve a loyal and faithful partner. I deserve a mature relationship.