Human beings suck

Why there are people who make you feel good at first. Then leave you hanging in the end. 

Why there are people who give you high hopes at first. Then ignore you in the end. 

What I hope so

I'm so fucking hate my life.

Well, I failed one MBA application I've done. I shouldn't have applied in the first place as I already know the result. 

My Plan B was to apply for US Visa and escape from here. But then, I think I need to postpone it for another year. I still have no funds and my mother, who told she's going to sponsor me, is having a financial crisis. She's trying to finish her apartments renovation before this year ends by borrowing lots of money from different sources.

Now, my Plan B is to accept a job offer from other company. Though the salary is not that high, it's not bad. There will be new experiences. Their trainings are good just like the feedback I received from its employees and non-employees. And I think, they can help me in my career growth. For how many months in my current company,  I felt stuck. My career path was never revisited again. Everyone is in chaos because of rapid changes in the organization.

I just hope and pray that I did the right choice. I don't want another regret. The feeling of always wanting to run away and escape is getting tiring. 

My anxieties grow day by day. As much as I wanted to disregard it, my subconscious mind is still bothering itself by them. Who am I pleasing to? Am I pleasing my parents? Am I pleasing my partner? Am I pleasing myself? Who?! 

I'm fucking hate it anymore! Can I just sleep and never wake up anymore? I really hope so.

My honey in heaven

Honey,

I miss you. Your birthday is coming so fast. Advance happy birthday! I love you so much. I know you are in a good and happy place already. And the birthday party you will have there will be wonderful and exciting.

Soon, I will join you in heaven. Till then, please look upon me from there. And smile for me.

I miss you Honey.

To the fake cha

To the current Cha:

Luluhod ako sayo at magmamakaawa... ibalik mo na yung honey ko.

Gagawin ko lahat lahatng gusto mo, ibalik mo lang honey ko.

Kailangan ko sya... sya lang kailangan ko...

Nagmamakaawa ako sayo... please...

Sent from my iPhone

Imy my honey

Dear Honey,

Where are you? I miss you. I miss you so much. Bumalik kana please.. di ko na kaya ginagawa ng current Cha ngayon.

Namimiss ko na yung ikaw na hindi mabarkada. Namimiss ko na yung ikaw na hindi marunong uminom. Namimiss ko na yung ikaw na sumisipot sa mga dinner date natin. Namimiss ko na yung ikaw na nagsasabi sakin kung may mga biglaang lakad with friends. Namimiss ko na yung ikaw na nasasabihan ko lahat lahat ng nararamdaman ko at nagpapagaan ng nararamdaman ko. Namimiss ko na yung ikaw na totoo sakin, sinasabi lahat ng nararamdaman at kalokohan nya.

Namimiss na kita honey ko. Magbalik kana. Ikaw lang ang bestfriend ko. Magbalik kana honey ko. Di ko na kaya ginagawa ng current Cha ngayon. Nagpapanggap sya na ikaw.

Ang kilala kong honey ay mahal nya sarili nya at nirerespeto nya sarili nya. Ang kilala kong honey ay nagsasabi ng totoo sakin at mga little petty things. Ang kilala kong honey ay yung hindi ako pinag aalala dahil alam nya magaalala ako ng sobra tuwing nag oovernight sya. Dahil tuwing tulog honey ko, di nya nararamdaman ang paligid nya. Kaya alam ng honey ko na natatakot ako na baka may mangyari masama sa kanya habang tulog. Kaya di nya ko hahayaan mag alala.

To the current Cha:

Kaya please po.. pakibalik po yung honey ko. Kailangan ko sya. Sya lang nakakaintindi sakin. Siya lang nakakausap ko ng totoo. Siya nalang naniniwala sakin - lalo na sa kakayahan ko.

Paki balik na po yung honey ko. Kahit ano ibibigay ko, ibalik mo lang honey ko. Lahat lahat ng meron ako ibibigay ko sayo, ibalik mo lang honey ko...

Nagmamakaawa ako sayo... pakiusap po...

Sent from my iPhone

Human beings suck

Human beings suck! 

Falling in love sucks!

You thought that she's the one. And you're just waiting for the day of wedding. But suddenly, it crashed and will never happen anymore.

Planning for future sucks! 

Nothing really gets right. Nothing will go according to your plans and dreams, nothing! 

Trusting people sucks!

They are full of lies. Will make you believe but in the end, the first one to drop you.

And I suck big time for believing all these things. 

Life is full of shit! My life is nothing but a piece of shit.

Timings. Fuck human being!

1st heartbreak? This was a one-way love. The person didn't know I was in love.

3 years of moving on.

2nd heartbreak? We only lasted 6 months.

5 years of moving on.

3rd heartbreak? We lasted 2 years and 4 months.

Expect a 20 years of moving on.

What?! I'll be 47 then when I can finally be healed? No way! I don't think I'll be still alive that time. Haha! Already escaped life by then. 

Also, I'll never fall in love again. I had enough. Haha! :P Better to be single till I die than to experience heartbreaks again. 

Only death will let me free

The best and the worst birthday of my life.

Fuck this life! Why do I have to deal with heart break! 

I don't wanna fall in love again - ever. I'm fucking serious! 

 

Heart break twice in a row? I bet I cannot handle the third time anymore. If I do, it will surely be death upon me.

God, why? Why me? Are you making fun of me? 

I do not believe to anything now. I do not trust anyone anymore aside from myself. 

God, why me? From billions of people, why did you choose making fun of me?

I suck I know. But please don't play with this vulnerable person. I wear smiles and laughters outside, but deep inside, I am bleeding. Bleeding, running out of blood and oxygen.

Only death will let me free.

Love is a lie

Love is just a lie.

It's a big lie.

I don't believe on it anymore.

It is a piece of trash.

Monogamous, lie.

Forever, lie.

Human's love is full of lies.

I need a rock heart and mind.

F***ing heartbreak. 

I don't like it.

I hate it.

Help me

Help me God to move on.

As I know to myself that I'm gonna miss her.

It's normal though.

But please help me God to move on.

Help me to unlove her.

Help me please.

ILY and Goodbye

I love you and goodbye.

It's all your fault why I am still alive. If it's not you, I'm already dead long time ago. You ruined my plan.

I love you and goodbye.

I had enough. I think it's really time to let go. I know you were holding on so long, and so do I.

I love you and goodbye.

I think we're not made for each other. Guess, you're not the person in my prayers since 7 years ago.

I love you and goodbye.

Take care of yourself. I'll try to be always here for you as a friend.

I love you 

And

Goodbye!

Just a game.

I'll be just one of your options?

One of your least priorities?

Alright then, you're now demoted.

In COC/CR term, you used to be co-leader. Then since you had strike already, demoted to elder. Now, just a member. 

Sorry but it's how the game should be.

I shouldn't spend too much time and money to people who look down on me. 

^_^ adios! 

Disappear

Im so sad. Another time of the year.

I want some hugs. But where to get it?

Im trying not to shed a tear. But I couldnt. It felt like it's something I need to let out.

Initiated lots of conversations already online. But nobody seems like wanted to talk to me. Haha. Poor Rove.

Beer. The only thing that stays with me. Since I dont take other stuff, i'll just drown myself to it. 

I want to disappear. Everyday I always tell myself that everything is okay. It's okay. You dont have to think much of it. Wear a smile, even a poker one. Don't let people see your weaknesses. Nobody deserve to see you crying. Only the purest person can see it. One who will not judge you. One who will stay by your side until your last breathe. Haha. Well, only God and Jesus deserve to be that person.

When you will get me from here? The more days I spend here on earth, the more vulnerable I am to evil things.

Im lonely. I really wanted to disappear. 

My prayer

There's something wrong with my paat prayer..

"God, please give me a partner that I will marry in the future."

I should have prayed,

"God, please give me a partner that I will marry in the future. Partner who will stay with me through thick or thin. Despite the ups and downs, the fights and peace. A partner that will be loyal and faithful to me."

Now, this should be my prayer moving on.

Cry a river until nothing's left

It hurts.. Really hurts.. Just cry Rove..

Cry a river until there's no tears left. 

Pour all the emotions until there's nothing left.

Then one day, you'll stand again. Brave enough to say to yourself that "Whew~ I did it."

I know you still feel lost. It's okay. That's okay. He's there to hear your prayers.

Cry more Rove. Dont pretend. Here's your chance. Pour everything. Then a new happy day will rise upon your face. 

Time to go

The battery is up.
War has ended.
The main character needs to rest.

Time to move on.
You can do it Rove.
Soshi are there to help you.
Just like the old times.

Don't give up with life though.

I love you Rove.
Thank you God.

^_^

Smile thyself

The feeling when your partner is not into you anymore. 

Just have to accept it and let go. 

That's life. You have to deal with it.

Love yourself. Be happy within you. Your partner doesn't need to give that to you.

If your partner finally quit and gave up. Let go. You don't need anyone to make you smile - know that.

I love you Rove. ^_^ Smile!

K. Tnx. Bye.

What's the use of going to a therapy? What's the use of seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist? What's the use if you don't have budget and it's not part of the medical benefit of the company? It's just burning your pocket. 

You earn just enough. Taxes get it all. What's left is for day-to-day expenses until the next salary. The little leftover is for your beloved pets and ad-hoc needful. 

Nothing left. You just have to deal with it. Good thing I know God and Jesus. I am a Christian. It was a good thing. Or else, I have already taken away my life with my own hands. My only redemption from this world is when God finally get me out from here. When will that happen... It's getting frustrated. Each single day, I wear a mask of a great pretender.

Okay. Thanks. B-bye.

Heaven

I'm really dying to go to heaven.

Singing praises 24/7, I don't mind.

Guarding the gate of heaven, I don't mind.

As long as I'll live there, I'll do anything.

I miss you Rayn and Raffles. I really wanted to see you again. Be with you again. 

Hang out with my grandmother and Tito Art would be nice. Chat with Jc again, would be cool. Seeing you all in heaven would be lovely.

I'm really dying to go to heaven. 

Depression

Been suffering since first months of the year.

I gladly 100% give my life to someone who deserves it. I have no use of my life anymore. Already tired of everything. 

I don't like to feel pain, sadness, frustration, fury, jealousy, and even happiness. Bored of it.

I don't have any desire anymore. 

I'm always praying that God and Christ will hear my prayer. I'm dying to go to heaven. I can no longer live here as a human being.

Someone out there deserves more to live longer. He/She still have things need to do. Has children or family who deeply care for him/her. He/She still have use on Earth. I will gladly give my remaining life to you.

Hopefully God and Christ will grant my prayer and wish. 

-Rove