Rove, looking back...

I just finished Chapter 16 of The Lamp.

After all the readings I had, it made me to think about my life. What do I really want to happen in my life?

I wanted to be successful and rich! This is vague. How can I attain this without any steps or breakdown of goals?

Now I look back. I dreamt of being a Project Manager when I was in College. Then a Program Manager then a Portfolio Manager. I was fired up during my first 3-4 years of working. But started to lose the fire when things didn't go my way. No one presented me opportunity to be a PM while the newbies accidentally became one. I resorted to MBA thinking that I can climb the corporate ladder just in case being PM is not really for me. But I failed the tests multiple times damaging me around 35k. Long before, I even tried going abroad, SG and JP, but nothing worked. It costed me more or less 110k.

With all these things happened to me, plus misunderstandings with the partner, made me fall to depression.

Now, I just do my work 5 days a week. Though I have many hats, they cannot still occupy my whole working time. I still have more time left. Then I started going to gym just to fill some extra time. I even go to office late and go home early. But still, have ample of time to spare. I don't think much now in my work. Even the dream of being a PM banished from my head. And it feels like, I only go to work to fund my only desire - to travel.

Workout and travel. Things that can help not regain episodes of depression. And not think of the frustrations I have in life.

My career looks like it has nowhere to go. My love life has crashed. My emotional and mental states are at risk. On the positive note, my physical and spiritual states are growing. I failed in most aspects of my life. This makes me think to run off - to a very far away land. And start all over again. But how dare I am to run away and start all over again if I cannot resolve my past and my present?

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God, I'm really not sure what I am doing in my life. Please show me the path I should take. Please give me a forgiving heart so that I can forgive myself and others that have hurt me in the past. Clear my mind and my heart and fill them with Your Holy Spirit. Please give me enough patience I need in this life. I raise everything back to You - myself, チャ, Tigs, Api, and my family.

Thank you for your unending love. I love you God. In Jesus name, amen!