Her

Now, I will just keep on showing the real me to her. How caring and a changed person I am. But I will reduce or remove some of my languages of love, physical touch and affirmation. As long as she already knew my intention, I think it’s enough. It’s up to her until when or how she’ll reciprocate that love. I’ll just do it until I forget that I love her. I already laid all my plans to God. I trust Him. If He think I’ve done enough, He’ll do something to put breaks on me. But since circumstances keep on letting me or her see us together, I think He still has a purpose for either of us.

Don’t expect but trust Him.

——

I'm not sure but I think I am still crazy in love with チャ. No matter how hard she pushes me away, I still love her and wait for her. Most of the times, I wanna show my love to her thru touch (hold hands, hugs, kisses), but I can feel that she's trying to deflect it all.

It's already almost a month since she broke up with me and I'm still in the process of moving on. Moving on about us not being in a relationship/commitment anymore. But I guess it's not bad that we're still in good relationship as best friends - but I think it's between the lines of bestfriends and in a romantic relationship/commitment. I don't know what to call our current relationship anymore. Dating but not courting? Providing all her needs but we're not official couple? I don't know now.

I've been trying to send Tiger to her. I told her that I am not mentally and emotionally stable and I want Tiger to live with her for now. But it's not true. The real reason was I want Tiger to help her find peace, destress, and de-clog her mind. I get sad sometimes but I am still able. She will not bite any other reasons aside from this.

Maybe I should start letting her go, little by little? I'm not expecting anymore since the day she broke up with me. I should reduce doing all these financial supports. No offense but it looks like I'm being a sugar daddy or something. She only sees me as a bestfriend but I treat her like my wife. If we're both on a weighing scale, we have already fell down on one side because I keep coming to her. Also, I look like I'm already going out of line doing all these cares/concerns to her. Feels like I'm already invading her life thinking that she still loves me - but she's not. It's either she still loves me that's why she still hangs around or she's just comfortable with me being around.

If she keeps hiding the truth about her feelings about me, one day, I might get tired being around for her. I am just a human being. I need affirmation too. I cannot just give and give. One day, I might run out of things to give to her (e.g. time).

I just took this opportunity to spend more with my family - siblings, nieces/nephews, and parents. Now, I got to help my family first before her. Previously, I was clouded with the thoughts of working hard and saving for our future together. But those thoughts dissolved right after she left me. I should stop compromising everyone just for me to have time for her though we're not official couple. This time, I will put my family first before her.