Making People Glad To do What You Want

Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

I knew a man who had refuse many invitations to speak, invitations extended by friends, invitations coming from people to whom he was obligated; and yet he did it so adroitly that the other person was at least contented with his refusal. How did he do it? Not by merely talking about the fact that he was too busy and too-this and too-that. No, after expressing his appreciation of the invitation and regretting his inability to accept it, he suggested a substitute speaker. In other words, he didn't give the other person any time to fell unhappy about the refusal. He immediately changed the other person's thoughts to some other speaker who could accept the invitation.

This techniques of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you.

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines  in mind when it is necessary to change altitudes or behavior:

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.

2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person really wants.

3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.

4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

5. Match those benefits to the other person's wants.

6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

It is naïve to believe you will always get a favorable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles - and it you increase your successes by even a mere 10 percent, you have become 10 percent more effective as a leader than you  were before - and that is your benefit.

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

Make The Fault Seem Easy To Correct

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and  you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique - be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.

Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

Give a Dog a Good Name

"The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability." - Samuel Vauclain

If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. 

"Assume a virtue, if you have it not." - Shakespeare

It might well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

"Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him." But give him a good name - and see what happens!

Principle 7: Give the other persona fine reputation to live up to. 

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

How To Spur People On To Success

Why, I wonder, don't we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs? Why don't we use meat instead of a whip?  Why don't we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

"Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise." - Jess Lair

History is replete with striking illustrations of the sheer witchery of praise.

Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B.F. Skinner's teachings. This great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.

Praising the slightest improvement in the children rather than condemning everything they did wrong.

Everybody likes to be praised, but when praised is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.

Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.

Talk about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures  they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.

You who are reading these lines possess powers of various sorts which you habitually fail to use; and one of these powers you are probably not using to the fullest extent is your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with a realization of their latent possibilities. 

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

Let The Other Person Save Face

Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front  of others, even without considering the hurt to the other person's pride. Whereas a few minutes' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!

Firing employees is not much fun. Getting fired is even less fun.

The effect on these people is one of disappointment and a feeling of being 'let down'.

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.

"I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Principle 5: Let the other person save face.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

No One Likes To Take Orders

The man declared that during all that time he had never heard Owen D. Young give a direct order to anyone. He always gave suggestions, not orders. Owen D. Young never said, for example, "Do this or do that," or "Don't do this or don't do that." He would say, "You might consider this," or "Do you think that would work?"

He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.

A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person's pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.

Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time - even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.

If a few sentences humbling oneself and praising the other party can turn a haughty, insulted Kaiser into a staunch friend, imagine what humility and praise can do for you and me in our daily contacts. Rightfully used, they will work veritable miracles in human relations.

Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behavior. 

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

How To Criticize - And Not Be Hated For It

Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement. This could easily overcome by changing the word "but" to "and".

Calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

Principle 2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

If You Must Find Fault, This Is The Way To Begin

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

When Nothing Else Works, Try This

"The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel." - Charles Schwab

The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.

"All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory." - King's Guard in ancient Greece

What greater challenge can be offered than the opportunity to overcome those fears?

"I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself." - Harvey S. Firestone

Frederic Herzberg studied in depth the work attitudes of thousand of people ranging from factory workers to senior executives. The most motivating factor - the one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No - not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.

That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don't You Do It?

This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.

You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life. It's easy.

It works in home life as well. When the old-time lover proposed to his sweetheart, did he just use words of love? No! He went down on his knees. That really showed he meant what he said. We don't propose on our knees anymore, but many suitors still set up a romantic atmosphere before they pop the question.

Dramatizing what you want works with children as well.

"If I had not dramatized to him the fact that I really wanted to see him, I would probably be still waiting for an appointment." - Ms. Wolf

"I was presenting the same facts this time that I had presented previously. But this time I was using dramatization, showmanship  - and what a difference it made." - Mr. Boynton 

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

An Appeal That Everybody Likes

The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation. 

"A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one." - Pierpont Morgan

The person himself will think of the real reason. You don't need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

"When no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. People are honest and want to discharge their obligations. Individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright, and fair." - Mr. Thomas

Principle 10:  Appeal to the nobler motives.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

What Everybody Wants

"I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."

You deserve very little credit for being what you are - and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them. Say to yourself: "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

I said to myself, "After all, if I were she, I would probably feel just as she does." So, I determined to sympathize with her viewpoint.

I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult.

"When you get a letter like that, the first thing you do is to think how you can be severe with a person who has committed an impropriety, or even been a little impertinent. Then you may compose an answer. Then if you are wise, you will put the letter in a drawer and lock the drawer. Take it out in the course of two days - such communications will always bear two days' delay in answering - and when you take it out after the interval, you will not send it." - Taft

"Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. 'Self-pity' for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice." - Dr. Arthur I. Gates

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with other person's ideas and desires.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

A Formula That Will Work Wonders For You

Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don't think so. Don't condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.

There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out the reason - and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.

Try honestly to put yourself in his place. "How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?" you will save yourself time and irritation, for "by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect."

Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint.

 "Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas." - Dr. Gerald Nirenberg

Seeing things through another person's eyes may ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming.

"Why should he or she want to do it?" True, this will take time, but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results - and with less friction and less shoe leather.

To think always in terms of the other person's point of view, and see things from that person's angle as well as your own.

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

How To Get Cooperation

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.

Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as well. 

"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it - so as to get him thinking about it on his own account." - Col. Edward House

The others had been trying to sell me on their service, but one let me sell myself.

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

The Safety Valve In Handling Complaints

Most people trying to win to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other person talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.

If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

He showed an interest in the other person and his problems. He encouraged the other person to do most of the talking - and made a favorable impression.

Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.

"If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you." - La Rochefoucauld

Because when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they - or at least some of them - will feel inferior and envious. 

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

The Secret of Socrates

In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.

Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying "No". A "No" response is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said, "No", all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it.

 When a person says "Yes," none of the withdrawal activities takes place. The organism is in a forward-moving, accepting, open attitude. 

It often seems as if people get a sense of their own importance by antagonizing others at the outset.

"I finally learned that it doesn't pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person's viewpoint and try to get that person saying 'yes, yes'." - Joseph Allison

Socratic method was based upon getting a "yes, yes" response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.

"He who treads softly goes far." - Chinese Proverb

Principle 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

A Drop of Honey

If your temper is aroused and you tell 'em a thing or two, you will have a fine time unloading your feelings. But what about the other person? Will he share your pleasure? Will your belligerent tones, your hostile attitude, make it easy for him to agree with you?

"'Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,' we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together." - Woodrow Wilson

"A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason. - Lincoln

What friendliness always does: it begot friendliness.

Most powerful arguments with such friendly remarks as: "It will be for the jury to consider," "This may, perhaps, be worth thinking of," "Here are some facts that I trust you will not lose sight of," or "You, with your knowledge of human nature, will easily see the significance of these facts." No bulldozing. No high pressure methods. No attempt to force his opinions on others.

It was the friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach that won.

The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day by people who have learned that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.

The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

If You're Wrong, Admit It

Isn't it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?

Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say - and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized. 

There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one's mistakes.

"If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically." - Dale Carnegie

It might be too late to admit quickly but one can admit emphatically.

When we are right, let's try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong - and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.

"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D

A Sure Way Of Making Enemies - And How to Avoid It

If you can't be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong?

Never begin by announcing "I am going to prove so-and-so to you." That's bad. That's tantamount to saying, "I'm smarter that you are. I'm going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind."

If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly , so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself." - Galileo

"I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let's examine the facts."

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that be, too, may be wrong.

When we are wrong , we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. 

"I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion."

Two thousand years ago, Jesus said: "Agree with thine adversary quickly."

"Be diplomatic. It will help you gain your point." - King Akhtoi of Egypt

In other words, don't argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don't tell them they are wrong, don't get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

Principle 2: Show respect  for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."

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Nothing is impossible with Him. =D