2018: 🤬😣😢

Why were you so naive and so stupid?

Did you know that when men use the same or similar bad experience they had to get your empathy, they are just hitting on you?

Did you know that when men use an excuse like proving something to their family, they are just trying to get close to you hoping to have more than friends relationship?

Why you were so naive and stupid?!

You didn't know that?! How come you have been to numbers of relationships in the past but that simple thing, you are unable to recognize?

Have you learned anything from your past relationships? Or you just moved on without analyzing why it ended and the things you might have learned during the process?

I thought you were a smart and intelligent person, but reading people's actions and words, you have failed.

Why you were so naive and stupid?

P.S. I've been trying to understand why you fell for Emo Daniel and Ugly Mama's boy Jake. Did you ever think of me when you were flirting/sexting/having sex with them? Did you?

P.S. 2018 was a big trauma to me and you know it fully. I had depression which I don't want to have again. Then you cheated on me by having SEX!

P.S. Sex is a big deal to me. I believe that you will only do it to the person you love. So my question, did you ever loved him? Did you loved him when you two were having sexual intercourse?

P.S. I'm sure it's also a trauma to you. And you are still wondering why what on earth you did that?! If it's a trauma to you which you had control in the first place, it was a huge trauma to me! The woman I love. The woman I respect. She had sex with someone else when we are committed! I am so angry until now every time I remember it. I am so angry to that earthling as he abused you. He used your weakness to have you in his way. I am so angry to myself that I didn't do anything during that time! If only I knew! I should have stopped you from going home that night. I should have... I should have.. I am so angry and very sad.

P.S. Now I remember the couple client of Dr. Rintaro in a Japanese series. The couple had unsaid trauma when the wife was gang raped. They didn't talk about it not until Dr. Rintaro entered the scene. It was then the couple had a chance to tell their feelings honestly. Only to find out that the husband was suppressing his angst for so long towards the group who raped his wife and to himself. Maybe me and this husband share the same sentiments. Do シャ and I need to see a psychiatrist just to have this settled? I want to get over with as soon as possible. But how, if the wife doesn't want to talk about it?

God, help us. Help me please. I am so sad and at the same time, so angry. I'm so angry to the point I want that man be dead or experience great suffering he has ever known.

God, I commit to you my heart and my mind. Help me get over with it even without the affirmation from シャ.

Amen!