Like a nightmare. I only need to pray.

You know the feeling of there are lots of things you wanna do for her.

Like you wanna surprise her with things that only a gf/bf, fiance, or partners can do. But when I was about to conclude my plans, something is stopping me and preventing me from thinking/planning further.

The memories of her and the guy she cheated on me. I can still imagine how they had sex multiple times with me not knowing anything at all. (The idea of her and me making love is *vomit* now.) The times I was crazily in love with her that I was chasing her badly while me having no idea at all, that the reason I was already pushed away was because she already had a new guy. The times I was so dumb that I believed that she has a pure heart and that she didn't mean to hurt me, but then she was already cheating and lying to me for two years. 

Tears are falling right from my eyes when I can vividly remember all these things. There were "I should have" statements after realizing all these things.

I should have left her from the first time she pushed me away for someone else.

I should have stopped following her or visiting her in her office.

I should have moved on during that time.

I should have known what she was doing to me so that I have left earlier.

I should have.. I should have..

I'm struggling to forget everything 100%. I need two years of her being in probation period. And I need two years of consistent words-actions from her for me to see if she has really changed.

This is really difficult for me. I cannot give my 100% to her. I couldn't and I don't want. It's easier to love a new person. You can accept her new and fresh, that you won't think about her past anymore because you weren't there in the first place. That the most important thing is she's loyal and faithful to you during your relationship.

Me? I'm in a difficult situation where I need time and see proofs. I told, "I believe, people can change, no matter how unfaithful there were." But it's easy to say than done. Though how much I love here, I couldn't still give my all. Maybe I am now afraid. I had give my all to her but she broke me multiple times and in the most unsatisfying way. That's why I am afraid for myself - trusting myself to her again. Now that I love myself more than anyone else here on earth. 

For now, I couldn't still imagine her as my future wife and a mother of my future children. Yes, I love her now. The love that you could only give to your family and bestfriend that no matter how they hurt you, you still have concern upon them. But the love that I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with - no, not yet. It's just 1 month now, there are still 23 months to go...

Anyhow, I just have to move and do my best... my God will do the rest. If He thinks I'm not on the right path anymore, He'll steer my life back on track again, even it means leaving the people I love.

Let Your will thy be done. I commit my mind, my heart, and my body to you. Let the Holy Spirit keep me away from all the evil spirits around me and keep me safe always. Let Jesus Christ be my shepherd that'll direct my life.

Amen! 

Cheers, Leikeze Van Helsing Grand M0nde Earth, Solar System