Painful memories

When I am alone..stuck in traffic, sometimes my mind wonder off.. and out of the blue, I remember the times ハニー cheated on me..

The times where she just told that it's a friend.

- When we ate at food park in Marikina with Rhea. Thought we're okay as ハニー was clingy. But the truth is she was taking pictures of us and chatting to the ugly creature. It looked like I was the kabit as she was reporting to the ugly creature.

- The picture they took at night when they were in the bridge. Same location of picture I saw taken last Dec 11, 9:52pm. Why ハ二ー took the same location/picture?

- Pictures of her holding his hand and placed it in her lap. I couldn't remember an instance where ハニー took my hand to her and take photos of it. Most of the times, it's always me who get her hand and place it to my lap.

- The pictures they had in that ugly creature's phone. He even posted it in their blog. Thinking of it, they were together in most of the occasions already- all without my knowledge.

- Their blog. I don't know how to react on it. I can only think, "Ah...they might loved each other to do this kind of stuff."

- The day she had her massage and that night she asked me if we can be separated for few days as she needed time for herself. But the truth was, she met the ugly creature and had sex casually with him. This is the most devastating memory I have. I thought of "what if I stopped ハニー leaving that night, that thing should have not happened." But on the other side, someone is telling me that it's not my fault - it's their choice. And they did choose to commit sin.

- The day I saw the conversations in Telegram. Conversations where in how happy ハニー was with the sex experience. I couldn't remember any instance where I did dirty talk with ハ二ー. This is the second most hurtful memory I have with them. Sometimes, when I recall it, I questioned myself, "why I didn't broke with ハニー right after I read those?" That "I should have called it quits at the time." But on the other side, someone is telling me the reason, "it's because you are too slow. Your brain processes events and circumstances very slow. It will take you days, weeks, months, or worst, years before it sink in to you." When that time has come, it's very too late to react or do something about it.

- That after these events-sex, cheating discovered-ハニー doesn't like initiating "lab lab" anymore. We used to but not after those last two dreadful events.

These painful memories, i don't know how to get rid of it. They say "Time heals" and I believe in it. The sex just happened last week of July 2018 so it's not that old. I think I still need more time, years for an instance. Or, maybe I should see my doctor again? This looks like a trauma to me. Or, my mind can finally be free once that ugly creature is dead.

I can't remember when my brain started processing events very late. And my brain tend to overthink things, until to the last details. Did I had a trauma? Did something happened that I resisted to understand right away?

"Change is inevitable."
"Forgive but not forget."
"Time heals."