Dont wanna marry

I would like to take back what I said in the past.

Sorry, she's not the type of person I would like to marry with. Not now. Not yet. Not in 5 years. I think I still need more time to re-evaluate if she's the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with. As of now, nope. I found something that turned me off. 

She said, she's willing to give me up for her parents. Well, this is a good thing. And also, this is a bad thing. Good thing that you still love your parents whatever happens. But when the time comes and you need to have your own family but unable to leave your parents, you'll end up living with her parents and her. Even though you are already married but because she needs her parents, you'll end up by yourself alone. And I don't want this to happen to me. I would like to have someone who will stay by my side thru thick or thin. Not someone that will leave whenever she likes.

Hoping for someone to show up who is independent enough to stand on her own.

Human beings suck

Why there are people who make you feel good at first. Then leave you hanging in the end. 

Why there are people who give you high hopes at first. Then ignore you in the end. 

What I hope so

I'm so fucking hate my life.

Well, I failed one MBA application I've done. I shouldn't have applied in the first place as I already know the result. 

My Plan B was to apply for US Visa and escape from here. But then, I think I need to postpone it for another year. I still have no funds and my mother, who told she's going to sponsor me, is having a financial crisis. She's trying to finish her apartments renovation before this year ends by borrowing lots of money from different sources.

Now, my Plan B is to accept a job offer from other company. Though the salary is not that high, it's not bad. There will be new experiences. Their trainings are good just like the feedback I received from its employees and non-employees. And I think, they can help me in my career growth. For how many months in my current company,  I felt stuck. My career path was never revisited again. Everyone is in chaos because of rapid changes in the organization.

I just hope and pray that I did the right choice. I don't want another regret. The feeling of always wanting to run away and escape is getting tiring. 

My anxieties grow day by day. As much as I wanted to disregard it, my subconscious mind is still bothering itself by them. Who am I pleasing to? Am I pleasing my parents? Am I pleasing my partner? Am I pleasing myself? Who?! 

I'm fucking hate it anymore! Can I just sleep and never wake up anymore? I really hope so.