My beloved Api

It's the 2nd day and I'm still crying.
Crying for the loss of my eldest furbaby.
And I partly blame myself for everything that happened. If only I took a seat inside instead of riding at the back.
I know our fates are already pre-determined by God. But why God you let this kind of way for Api to leave me (and us). It's very heartbreaking. The conscience and regrets are there. I don't know when can I forgive myself for what had happened.
Please don't tell me God that you're teaching me how to forgive myself. It's not a good way to do it, to use an innocent furbaby to teach a wicked person like me. Better you cause me to be in an accident and have a near-death experience just to teach me a valuable lesson.

Why can't I have a happy and peaceful Christmas? Why it has to have a loved one to be in ICU or die. Why God? I'd rather die than to cause anyone mishaps even to animals.

I'd like to believe what people said about their furbabies' souls after they have died. They heard their souls linger for short period of time before they transition to heaven. As for me, Saturday night and yesterday, I thought I heard Api many times. I just thought that it was my imagination. I heard him bark downstairs at night. Then in the day, when I was downstairs, I heard him bark from the 2nd flr hallway. If it is his soul, "Api I miss you". I know you're kind of a jealous baby. You don't want anyone new. Should I feel guilty that someone gave me a pup day after you left? Aki, from your nickname Api, was also going to the corners of the room where you usually sleep or stay.

Api, please let me feel you. Please let me know that you have forgiven me. Please let me know that you are already happy in heaven playing with Tiger. I miss you both. I still don't know how I can move on. Everyday, I still cry everytime I remember you.

God, please let me know that my kuya Api is already happy by your side. I think that's the only time there will be peace in my heart. I feel a little bit of guilt every time what happened replays in my mind over and over.

I feel like it's unfair to Aki. I don't want her to be a rebound. I don't even not sure if I can make her happy as I am still grieving over kuya Api. 😔

God, please heal my grieving heart. I'd rather be single forever than to be left suddenly by my furbaby. 😔 I lift up to you the broken hearts of the grieving furmoms and dads all over the world.

Amen!