Best buddy: Thinking Brain and Feeling Brain

Now I understand little by little about what happened to me in the past 10 years.

I was a balance kid - thinking brain and feeling brain. Then I first fell in love then got hurt, my feeling brain got hurt that when I started working, my thinking brain started to drive the wheels. But when feeling brain wants to do something out of impulses, thinking brain just let it because it knows the suffering feeling brain had. Until the day feeling brain started to be a passenger only while thinking brain maneuver my life. Five years or more have passed, I fell in love again. It’s true that “love is blind”. My feeling brain took over the wheel and had the thinking brain back to the passenger seat. Thinking brain only comment few but mostly, feeling brain made all the impulses. It went for few years until I had my another heartbreak which was the worst of all. Thinking brain is now kicking feeling brain out of the driver’s seat and blaming it for all the hurts and pains it is now experiencing.

Reading this, I need to go back to the time where my thinking brain and feeling brain were best buddy. And that was when I was a kid (elementary/high school).

I need to practice again on having them both discuss first every little thing before I will do something.

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About チャ. Yes I love her. I can still wait while moving on. I need to refrain myself from bothering her. Give her time and space. This is what my thinking brain is saying. If after months or years, we’re still single and she’s ready to be in a commitment again, then ask to court her. Don’t be sad, feeling brain. It would be nice if both of you grow up individually right? If the mature チャ still attracts you after years, then that would be nice. If not, at least you’ve become friends.

Lovelife can wait. If ever you will feel sad or just want hugs, you have Riri, Tiger, and Api. 😊 They are more than willing for your love and care.

For now, let’s take heed of the advice of thinking brain: let her be for now.

When I found you, I found me.

Earlier, I was riding the motorcycle going home when it rained. It rained so hard that both my feet were drenching wet. My sneakers are now dripping wet and not sure if it will dry up tomorrow.

Then I remembered the time when I was soaked under the rain going home from school. I didn't ride the tricycle but opt to walk going home. It looks like I was filming a music video with all the rain and stuff. 😆 I was broken hearted that time with my first relationship. It was the same feeling as earlier. Drown all the sadness and cleanse my heart from pain. Only the method was different - riding instead of walking - as I am now a working professional.

Passing the west bank road, looking at the light posts on the other side of the river made me think, "it looks the same as with Kuala Lumpur". Same night, same street. Then what if I work in KL? I think I will not feel homesick as they are the same as here.

Then thoughts of encountering an accident clouded my mind. What if I got into an accident that will bring me to the ICU? Then I had flatline but the doctor revived me. Then the nurse called my family and told the news. Then what if my family was only able to see me breathing for four (4) hours max then I had flatline again and never woke up? Maybe my soul was already wandering, visiting the people that made an impact to my life. And maybe I was able to see チャ sleeping soundly in her sleep with many miscalls in her cellphone from my sister. Then I just touched her right cheek with my palm and kissed her in the forehead saying, "Goodnight my dear".

I cannot think anymore of killing myself (suicidal) as I don't wanna go to hell. I am only wishing that God will one day get me out of here in this world. And maybe, for that to happen, I need to fulfill my life's purpose. I was already praying for years for God to show me my purpose so that I can start doing it. But alas, I'm still not sure what it is.

Another thought, why wouldn't I try publishing a book containing all the stuff I've written here in my blog? Maybe I can inspire others to go on with their life no matter how difficult and crazy life is. That they need to keep going though they don't understand a thing. I'll check on this. But first, I need to review all my posts as there are redundancy with my words and sentences. 😆

I thought also on the way home, after completing my Masters, I will take PhD in Psychology. Why? I want to understand human beings' mind and emotions, especially myself. Since I will be dealing with my fucked mental and emotional distress forever, I should at least know what's happening in my mind and how to overcome such overthinking and anxiety. I don't care if my mom will get mad with my decisions. I don't care anymore. I'm already at the point of my life where I don't care anymore what other people are saying. I trusted then got deceived. I received then lost everything.

Note: I'm not the kind of person who just trust anyone 100%. There were only two persons in my life whom I tried hard to please - my mom and my ex-partner, チャ. But now, I don't care anymore! Anyway, they left me hanging when I needed them.

It's time to prove to myself that I am capable of anything. That I can control my life. That I won't have to please anyone but myself only. That I will be fucking successful even without help from anyone. I will fight alone and I will be a winner!

So help me God.

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Playing: Rescue Me by Marshmello
I'm into Marshmello album tonight. Their music are my taste. 😄

Keeping me going

I've started reading, "Everything is fucked".

How I wish I have unli supply of money so that I can go to gym everyday. I need this to pump my happy hormones out and overcome this depression symptoms.

After I enrolled to MM, I will enroll back to my PT. I need to support my mental and emotional health. And I think this is for lifetime. With this, I need to be wealthy enough to support myself and keep me sane.

Riri is also a good source of good vibes to me. I also need to take care of Venice. They are one of few people who will stay with me through out.

God, heal me.