No more chasing

This time, hahayaan ko na magderail relationship ko kay Anj. Pagod narin ako iexplain sarili ko. Pagod narin ako na maramdaman na optional lang. Ayaw ko na mag chase ng tao. Been there, done that. I will not initiate conversation again. Pagod na ko. Sawa na ko.

I deserve someone better. I'll focus on my healing until the day the right person comes along.
God knows my heart and mind. I know He's preparing the right person for me. Till then I'll focus on myself. No more chasing anyone. I'll prioritize my mental and emotional well being over anyone.

People's interests are shown thru their actions. I think I'm done showing my interests to Anj. The way she treats me reflect her interests on me. If she's not interested, why force? I'll start healing and focus on my growth. Someday, God will let me meet my person, my till-do-us-apart partner.

Let go and move on

It's time to move on Rove.
Don't chase anyone. If they don't make an effort, it's a reflection of them not wanting to keep you or get in touch.
Move on. You deserve people who give an effort.
People who value your existence. Be with them, stay with them. Spend your time with them.
Let go and move on. So that there will be space in your life for the right people.

So help me God.

Gotta go

Ayaw ko na mainlove.
Aanhin ko ang maganda mong mukha kung di mo kaya panindigan ang relasyon natin. Kung di mo kay gampanan ang pagiging committed satin.
You always avoid me. You're a red flag. Always have an excuse to meet me.
I'm done with you. My mental health is always at risk because of your treatment.
Guess we're not compatible. I don't have any regrets. I know I've done my best on this relationship. This time, it's your loss. Sayonara~

If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be

Goin to Bontoc made me realize that I'll never be one of her priorities.

I think it's time for me to let her go. I'm not an option nor a past time only.

I have no regrets anyway. I know I've done my best for our relationship. I did the most effort, always find time to be together. Invested much even I'm broke.

I don't want to beg anyone for their time anymore. I always set aside my pride when I love someone. But now, I think God is teaching me to be patient. To wait. Not to beg anyone again. And learn how to let go when it's time.

God, let Your will Thy be done. Even I prayed to you and to the Universe to give Anj to me, to be my last and forever partner, I still don't know if she's the right person for me.

I'll let her go na God and Universe. I don't want to force anyone anymore. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Hike to new life

This time is the perfect time to start moving on.
Grab this opportunity.
I've started introducing myself as single. Not to find new but to enjoy without limit.

2nd time she wanted to break up

Maybe it's time to let go?

——

I went to Padaba tonight just to see her 'cause I was missing her. Then she told me that she wanted to break up because she doesn't have time for me. Nasasakal na raw sya. And it's better na single nalang sya.

I told her na if that's the setup she likes, she'll reply whenever she likes, she'll meet me whenever she likes, I'll let her. And asked her if she still wants to continue. She said 'yes'.

Now, I'm torn between holding on or letting go. It's already a red flag that she'll only spend time with me at her convenience.

I also realized that I might becoming controlling. 😞 The same way I did to my exes. I should change this.

Starting from now, I'll just reply to Anj whenever she'll message or call me. Para di ako maging controlling, I should be conscious to every little thing I will do that involves her. Pero syempre, I will still say 'no' when needed para di magmukhang ginagamit lang ako.

At the same time, mag momove on narin ako para di ako ma-attach masyado. And it will start this weekend, sa hike sa mountain province. Tutal 2mos palang naman kami at 5mos palang magkakilala. Di pa ganun kasakit siguro. Haha.

——

God and Universe, ilayo nyo ko sa mga maling tao. Nawa'y ipakilala nyo na sakin ang tamang tao sakin para di na ko magsayang ng oras sa kahit sino. Thank you and amen!

Whatever is meant to be, will eventually happen

God, I'm sorry. Kung meron man ako nagawa.

Please, ilayo nyo po ko sa mga maling tao. Ayaw ko na po masaktan. Ginawa ko naman lahat ng best ko. Pero parang laging sa maling tao ako napupunta.

Please give me a heart of discernment. Para malaman kung sinu sinong tao ang makakabuti sakin o hindi. Para malaman kung sinu sinong tao ang deserve ng love and attention ko.

Atleast habang maaga pa, alam ko na intention ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Para di na masayang mga oras namin. My time, my effort, and my love are precious. I don't want to spend it to just anyone who don't appreciate it.

God, I'll heal by myself. Pero sana pakilala nyo na po sakin yung tamang tao nilaab nyo para sakin. I'm getting old na. At okay lang sakin kung mag start kami sa friends. Pero sana sya na talaga.

Si Anj, di na ko sigurado kung sya ba talaga yung pinagdadasal ko. Hiniling ko sya sa inyo at sa Universe. Pero I don't want it to be one-sided love only. Masakit din sakin na ako lang ang nagmamahal ng totoo samin. Pero unfair sa kanya dahil baka makikilala nya pa yung nakatadhana sa kanya. Tatanggapin ko na hindi talaga ako yung para sa kanya. Ayaw ko na pagpilitan pa sarili ko. Enough na Rove. You've done your part. Kung para sayo, para sayo talaga.

Mag momove on na ko kay Anj. And it will start sa akyat bundok this weekend.

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

"Whatever is meant to be, will find its ways to you."

No more bare minimum

Anj is on and off. It looks like she's really doing what she said "wag mo na ko ichat or icall". She's really cutting all comms then ghosting me. She has until 11pm tonight to talk to me, tell me what she really feels and thinks, and decide what are we gonna do moving forward. If she'll not respond till 11pm, I will treat it as she's really ghosting me. Then I will stop messaging her. I don't deserve bare minimum communication and effort.

Rove will put thyself first. Mental health first.

I was ghosted! 😆

She might have already ghosting me since the day she arrived in Metro Manila. It's just I didn't know the signs or clues. Googled it and they all fit in the descriptions.

5 mos was nice

I already gave Anj a deadline: 72hrs, until tomorrow 11pm. If she still hasn't replied yet till then, it means she already ghosted me. I have to start moving on. 5mos was short but it was a very nice experience. I was able to do everything I should have done in my past relationships. I've done many first times which I can treat as Intro or practice for something big coming into my life.

I deserve a woman who is kind, emotionally available, loyal, faithful, will not leave me overthinking, knows how to cook, knows how to budget, smart, beautiful and sexy inside and out. I pray for that woman who I'll be with for the rest of my life. This is my prayer in case God doesn't want to answer my prayers about having Anj to be my forever partner/wife.

So help me God. Amen!

A break from my woman

Few days away from her make me already miss her. But she to me? I don't know if there was ever a time she missed me.

I'm gonna make this vacation be a break from her. A time to detach from her. A time to start moving on from her. So that in case she'll break up with me, it won't hurt that much.

God, I prayed for her for months. And I am still praying that she'll be the woman I'll be with till end of time. I am deeply in love with her. Hope that's she's also in love with me. Amen!

My padaba on my bday

Even though you forgot my birthday, it's okay. I love you. You inspire me to improve myself and be a better me. I want to heal from my anxiety and depression as I want to be with you until the end of our time. I might don't get the all the attention on a daily basis but I understand your situation. I love you. I'll never stop telling you how much I love you. I am willing to fight for you and defend our love to your mom. I'll get her approval in the future. For now, I have to improve myself and be the best person you deserve.

My padaba

Happy birthday self 🥳

Exit Plan

After 4th monthsary, if Anj will not change how the way she treats me or our relationship, I'll stop sending flowers - fresh or dried. I'll stop sending customized cards. I'll stop initiating saying "I love you". I'll stop doing all the work. I'll start moving on. Then when I've already moved on, I'll break up with her. I don't deserve this kind of attention. I deserve someone who will give the same energy as I give. That's the kind of wife I want to have in the future. But, in case we'll break up, I'll stay single for the next long years. I'd rather have multiple flings and never commit anymore. I will not involve my heart anymore. I'm done with real dating. It's difficult to be a human being.

Relationship that doesn’t look like one

We've been in a relationship for less than 2 months now. And it's still difficult to ask her out. Her always excuse? Too lazy to go out. I don't know if this is the real reason or there's a deeper reason behind of her doesn't want to see me even atleast once a week. She even stopped saying "I love you" to me.

Anyway, let's see what will happen to our relationship, whether it will last long or not. I don't want to expect as I don't want to get hurt in the end.

I'll just make myself busy. I'll travel/go out every weekend then make myself busy with work and my furbabies during weekdays.

Kayo na po bahala God samin ng padaba ko. I love her but if there's no time for each other or I couldn't feel her love or affection anymore, I don't know till when we'll last. For now, I'll let her be. I'll stop initiating or doing efforts for now. I'll put myself first. If ever she doesn't love me anymore, I trust her that she'll tell it to me.

Let Your will thy be done.

Reminder to Anj not to unfriend when pissed off

Give the same energy

Need to re-energize. Parang wala ko gana makipagusap kay Anj. I have to deal with my own issues alone. Kelangan ko maibalik yung long patience ko. Need "me" time ba? Or need space from all folks around me? 😅 I dunno.

Iunfriend ko nalang sya sa FB. Wala naman kwenta kung friend nga kayo pero naka-restricted ka naman. 😏 Ano sense? Might as well cut the socmed connection.

Anyway, ayaw ko madaliin yung depth ng relationship namin. Darating nalang yung time na lalalim naman at magiging mas open sya sakin. Sa umpisa, ako lang ang attached sa kanya. I poured my energy to court her. Pero now, I sometimes feel na hindi narereciprocate yung same energy binubuhos ko.. kaya minsan tinatamad na ko. Mahal ko sya. Pero pag napansin ko na hindi kami same level ng effort na binibigay, parang tinatamad na ko mag effort pa.

Tatagal kaya kami?

Bank Debts due to fuckin’ Seataoo scam

Help me God with my financial crisis with bank CCs' cash advances due to Seataoo.

It's all my fault. Why did I trust my ex and Seataoo in the first place. 🫤 I didn't trust Seataoo but my ex that time. I can no longer tolerate being with my ex because more unfortunate events happen if I continually stay with her. It's not her fault but mine 'cause I put my trust to her which I don't usually do.

God, I can no longer trust 'investments' with anyone. Instead, I'll just invest on my own business, but not with anyone nor anything.

Now, I am on debt for 2 years. I have to minimize my spending. After my birthday on October, no more going on travels beyond 5k/month budget.

I can foresee that all of my bonus and incentives this coming ber month will just be paid on my bank debts. 😞 Very unfortunate…

Padaba 2nd sleepover

My padaba had 2nd sleepover last night. Nothing particular really happened. 😅 just some quick kissing and touching. No taking off clothes. 😆 we're wholesome here.

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well. Haha! I just tried to do things but it's either my padaba slap my hand, slap my face, pinch my lips, pushed me away, or she pulled away.

Anyway, we had a quick chat. She called me 'manyakis'. Though I asked her why she said so. She said, 'It's nothing'. And she jokingly said that I should surpass what I did. Even though it's a joke, I take it seriously. Told her that next time, I won't be restraining myself anymore. Haha!

1st Nyt w/ Padaba

Padaba had her first overnight at my place since we became a couple. It's not supposed to be an overnight. 😅 It just took her 2hrs to get here due to long way and heavy traffic. Then we had movie marathon until past 10pm. Then she ended up sleeping at my place.

If you're thinking of something. Nothing happened. 😜 We only hugged and cuddled. That's it. 😝 I will not do anything without her consent. Well, aside from cuddle, I kissed her on her forehead (3-4x), lips (3x smack only), and cheek (once). 😅 In my entire relationship history, it's the first time I was the one who did the 'kiss on the lips' first. 😆

Below is our convo when I booked her a Grab going home at 6am.

Trauma strikes again (??)

Should I tell her I don't like people who drink alcohol more than what they can handle?
Honestly, I don't like my loved ones to drink esp when I'm not around. I'm afraid that they might do not good things or very different when they're sober. Probably I have trauma to possible cheating when one is tipsy. 😞

Itutulog ko nalang siguro to. Ayaw ko na magisip. Baka napaparanoid lang ako. Why I think something like this now? I can connect it to other statement of the person I love.

Anj said, she doesn't want to call me padaba even in private. Baka raw marinig o malaman ng workmate nya. Then narealize ko kanina, why? Itong workmate ba may access sa phone nya? Ako ba ay isa lang sa mga jowa nya? *sigh* Ask ko nalang to pag sober na sya. Ayaw ko makipag usap sa lasing. 😐

Tsaka baka pagod lang ako kaya nakakapagisip ako ng ganito.

3rd and 4th ILYs w/ Padaba

08/30

K fine

Am I too much?
Probably I am.
I want someone who feels like she couldn't get enough of my presence.
Someone who will call me and message me most of the times.
Not someone that I've put a lot of effort but will only tell me, "you're too much already".

2nd ILY for today

Very first

Very first 'I love you' text message from my padaba. 😆

If possible

I love you Anj. Hope you feel the same way too.
If possible, I want to see you everyday.
If possible, I want to hug and cuddle you everyday.
If possible, I want to kiss you everyday.
If possible, I want you to be the first person I see lying next to me every time I wake up.
If possible, I want to serve you and make you laugh always.
If possible, I want you to be my future wife and my last partner.

2024 Rel

Aug 20, 2024

Anj and I had a date. We went to S Maison for lunch at Lola Cafe and Time & Space Cube Museum. Then went to Ayala Malls By The Bay for the rollerskate.

I have her dried flowers bouquet with a card telling my true and honest feelings toward her. Then asked her if she can be my girlfriend.

She didn't answer my question until I dropped her at her home. I drove for 2.5hrs going home. I messaged her and asked her answer to my question. She said she lost the card. Told her I'll send when I get home to apt.

Fast forward, she said 'yes'. Aug 20, we're officially in a relationship. Screenshots of the conversation can be found in other blog post.

——

Even we're already officially in a relationship, we still have the same set-up. 😅 Except for the first 3 nights, tinoyo sya at inaway ako.

Hope our relationship get deeper soon. Cause now, we still have the same set-up. 2x / month meet-up in person. No daily VC. No physical touch.

I shouldn't rush things. It just, this feels so different from my past relationships. In my past rels, it didn't take 3 mos before I became in a rel w/ my exes. Too many physical or intimate touch/encounters. Get closed w/ them instantly. Became vulnerable at the start.

——

Anj is different. She's a very closed book. She seldom gives details about her life. It will take quite a long time to get her trust and for her to tell anything to you.

3+1 Things I’m Grateful For

1. My mom is still alive and kicking. My family is still eating enough meals every day.
2. I am still alive despite being broke and in great debt because of last failed investment.
3. I can still travel and do some outdoor activities despite being in great debt.
4. My furbabies are still healthy and eating well.

Aug 20 Proof - Taken na si Rove!

Sent from my iPhone

Life

Papagod na ko. Gusto ko na mag suicide.

Kath a Keeper?

Sent by Kath. God, I think it was meant to be that I met her. She may become my Christian friend, reminding me about you.

Potential partner? I am not sure. I need to get to know her first. She might be too good to be true. If yes, becoming a bff is better than to be in a romantic relationship with her. It's because becoming a good friend will go a lifetime than a romantic partner that may end anytime. And I guess, she's a keeper. 😁

Thank you God for using Kath in sharing your words to me. These words are very soothing on me.

Anj, what’s the problem?

Before, she initiates the call. She likes having video call with me not hiding any part of her face. She says "good morning" even when I was asleep and her message was the very first message I read for the day. She says "take care" when I go out. She messages me "Andito na ko" whenever she's already at her destination. She asks "San ka?" whenever I go out. She doesn't go the whole day seen-zoning my messages and not replying anything.
I like them all. It felt like my love and care were reciprocated. I appreciate it very much.

Now, she's as cold as ice. Maybe because I told her I seriously want to pursue her. And maybe because, her being cold is part of courting someone that you really like and want.

Well, if this is how liking someone means, be given with mixed signals and making me anxious all the time about what the person really feels for me, then I don't want to fall in love again.

——

Yung hindi pa kayo ng taong gusto mo, pero ilan beses kana umiyak dahil sa kanya. 😐

Should I?

Why am I so attached with Anj?
I got a little scared that I might have fallen in love so hard.
Should I pull away? Before it becomes too late for me to recover once I get hurt.
I even vaguely remember when was the last time I fell in love. Was it 4 years ago?
And it might be the very first time I fell in love like this, I developed feelings over time.

God, please give me a sign. Should I pull away now before it becomes too late?

Bat kinikilig si Rove 😅

For the past few days, I get to spent more time with Anj, even via call. Maybe because she was so sick.

She was sick since Tuesday night. I talked to her for hours at night and the whole day last Wednesday 'cause we're both on SL. It was the first time she was open to me about what she felt throughout her recovery. She didn't gave me details about her check-up though. Anyway, good thing she's doing well now.

The last time we talked for long was last night till this early morning before she got up, around 9hrs+.

Delikado na naman ako. Bakit ba kinikilig na naman ako.~

Don’t overthink. Just enjoy whatever life has to offer.

I think I just overthink.
When Anj is not responding for so long or just seen-zoned my messages, I tend to flip.

I worry that I might be wasting my time and she might not say "yes" to my question "will you be my girlfriend?"

I should entertain myself. I have lots of things to do when not working. I have games to play, books to read, weights to work out, Netflix to watch, etc. I should not depend on other people. I can entertain myself. I have my own space.

Anyway, based on the computation that women tend to fall in love after first date (average 134 days), Anj is estimated to fall in love by Oct 25th. This is quite long for me. My anxiety gets higher. 😅 This is more than 5 months since we met.

Am I in a hurry? Why should I? I thought my next relationship should be my last? I thought the next woman would be my fiancé then my wife? I can no longer afford more heart breaks and wasted time. Then I should take my time getting to know her. I should let God and the Universe do their job in making me close to my person.

For now, I got lots of activities. During the week, busy with work, house chores, workout, and read books. During weekend, I can go out and do adventures (hike, freedive, skydive, hangout with friends, etc) and play video games.

Then I have no reason to be in a hurry. To be in a relationship so fast. I should take things slow and take my time, if what I really wanted is someone I will marry and be with for the rest of my life.

Let Your will Thy be done oh God. I trust you in this life. I'm even not sure if I was really an alien in my previous life. 😅 If ever I'll get reincarnated, I don't want to be a human being again. Better to live in another planet. Haha. For now, I'll just enjoy whatever this life has to offer. I was born with nothing and I will leave Earth eventually with nothing.

Thanks for the reminder!

Ba't ba ko nagpapaliwanag kay Anj. 😐 Di naman kami. Tsk. Nakakahiya. 🤦🏻

Mag li-low muna siguro ko. Mag message nalang ako kapag kinausap or minessage na ko. Pahinga muna from being the initiator all the time. 😅Just give the same energy she gives. Kapagod lalo na kung di mo naman jowa. Wala naman ako responsibility to explain everything to her. Tsaka sabi nya, pinagsisiksikan ko lang sarili ko sa kanya. 🥺 Kelangan ko pa talaga marinig mula sa kanya para matauhan ako. Tsaka sabi nya, nagsasawa narin sya sa pagmumukha ko.

Dapat ko na siguro tigilan pagbibigay ng update sa kanya. Di naman kami in the first place. Nasobrahan pagiging bibo ko na di ko namamalayan, lumalagpas na ko sa boundary ko. 😅

Pasensya na Anj. Thanks for reminding me where place should be.

Let go the thoughts

I've asked the Universe to give Angela Hapin as my wife. Yes, I want her in my life. However, if my guardian angels, Spirits, the Universe, God and Christ have already laid my destined partner in life who might not be her, then I should accept it and be grateful for it. My God's plan is greater than anything else. I trust Him with all my heart. He knows best who I should spend the rest of my life with. He knows who I will complement with best.

I will not push myself to Angela anymore. If she's really for me, she'll eventually stay whatever be my effort.

Let His will Thy be done.

Let it go~ Let it go~

Protect me from evil spirits God

I think I was being ghosted.
I was ghosted by Angela Hapin.
Damn! Why did I let her? I was so stupid.
I was so stupid that I let someone again to manipulate me.
God, kayo na bahala sa kanya. Karma will do the work.
God, kayo na bahala sa utak at puso ko. Please help me forget everything and move on faster.

God, please ilayo nyo ko from the evil eyes and spirits/humans with wicked intentions. They'll only hurt me. Please protect me oh God.

I pray all these things in Jesus name. Amen!

Angela Cutie 😅

If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be

I should not pressure Anj anymore. I should not ask too many questions anymore. I have to set boundaries on my curiosity. She's not mine yet. And even she is, I should not do it.

I should just let her. Let her do the things she wanna do. From there, I will know her true self and her real intention.

No more pushing myself to anyone. I should have learned my lesson. The right person for me will always find her way to me no matter what. No more assumptions. Let God and the Universe direct me to my person. I should observe the signs they are giving me. 

Go with the flow and just do what makes myself happy. Continually love myself and improve myself.

——

At this time, I should not lose my cool. I am already mature enough to let things happen and unfold by itself. In addition, I should only be testing things based on what I had experience in the past, and not be swayed by my own emotional shortcomings. Or else, I'll lose. 

My wild imagination

This sounds crazy but I can imagine marrying Angela. 😅

I can imagine proposing to her and she saying 'yes'.

I can imagine her wearing a wedding dress and me wearing a tux; and we getting married.

I imagine very far even she's not yet my girlfriend. 😅

#manifestation

Manifestation

You'll be my loving wife, Ms Angela Hapin.

Sayonara my 1.5 mo infatuation~

I think this is a goodbye then. She stopped replying/messaging after 1 month and 20 days. Probably it's God's will. He doesn't want me nor her get hurt anymore. It's probably she's not the woman of my prayers. Or God just wanted us to meet for a brief moment and learn something from it.

Well, I've learned something anyway.
Not to be gullible and trust people easily. 😏
Be the person I want to fall in love with.
Be sincere and true.
Wag maging makulit.

——

This looks familiar. I met a guy friend in Mesh back in HS-College. Then he came over to PH when we're college. But we've never seen each other again. Haha.

People come, people go. And this is just one of those "Isang linggo Pag-Ibig".

I'll probably stay single and not fall in love easily while waiting for the woman of my prayers. God is currently preparing both us. I trust Him 100%. When I finally meet her, I should already be sure that I will marry her and choose her everyday.

For now, I should retrieve back my financial stability. Prepare my home. Increase my income.

So help me God.

He’s my new and alone cupid

I finally deleted my okc and bumble accounts. 

I am already tired of meeting people na may mga topak o toyo. 😅😆

I am letting you God be my cupid to find my till-death-do-us-apart partner. Partner I will spend the rest of my life with. 

May she be beautiful inside and out. Physically, if it's not much of a request, someone who is tall, pretty, and slim. Internally, who is loyal, faithful, know how to cook, knows how to budget, good communicator, accept for who I am (introvert), Ms Independent, smart, and God fearing.

I already lift up to you all aspects of my life. I'll be a traveler and an adventurer again so that I may see the wonders you've created oh God. 

I entrust everything to You

God, I surrender everything to you. You know what's best for me. Even though I like and want something for my life, I know I cannot have it if it's not destined for me to have it. Your plans are absolute.

In my financial stability, you know what will happen next. How can I pay the loan used for Seataoo investment, what business or other source of income I should try, etc

In my love life, I don't really know who's the woman of my prayers. Whether I've already met her or not yet. As much as I want someone to be my "person of till death do us apart", it may not as it really depends on you. You know my heart fully well, but I trust you 100%. I don't want to push things anymore, 'cause it's only hurts me.

In my mom's well being, I already raise her unto you. Please continually heal her so that she can go back to walking/running normally again. Please keep her health in good shape, especially her heart. May she live longer, for another 20-30 years so that she can still meet the woman I'm going to marry and have a family with.

God, I lift everything up to you. I surrender everything back to you. Please heal my broken heart. I don't know when I'll achieve peace in my life.

Please give me a heart of discernment to know what choices I should take in my life. Choices that will lead me to happiness and peace. Keep me away from people that will only hurt or cause me pain.

Thank you for everything. I love you.

In Jesus' name, amen!

To the girl that never became mine

To the girl I fell in love with but never wanted to commit… 

I'm in love with myself and I deserve someone na paninindigan ako. 🤨

Don’t give up. Just try and try. You’re still young.

This afternoon, my grandma called my mom who ended up talking to me. We talked about work. She asked my course, where do I work, etc. Then she said that I should find a job in Australia since I graduated IT. She said that the salary is big for IT graduates.

She said, "Wag ka susuko. Try lang ng try. Bata kapa naman. Basta don't give up." And some "sayang.. try mo lang."

I told her that I'll try to save money first then I'll go there as tourist. Then try my luck to find a job. It's because IT companies preferred people living already in Australia. Maybe because they don't want to spend money to sponsor the travel of foreign nationals. Also told her that I will live at their house for the meantime. 😅 She said okay and willing to drive me as long as she can still drive.

She said that Sydney has lots of IT companies. And I can travel via train from their house.

——

Anyway, the line she said to me suddenly hit me. I am still young. I should still try harder and not give up in life.

For now, I'll save up. Then pursue the small potential business I am thinking of. I'll also look for other opportunities online. I'll try real estate.

Thank you God for the message. I don't know para saan yung message na yun but I think it's general about my life. Actually, sakto rin sya sa lovelife ko. 😅 Sakto rin sya sa financial aspect ng life ko since nalugi ako sa last investment ko.

Please guide me continuously. Please give me a gift of discernment so that I'll know what to do next in my life. That I will be able to make sound decisions and remove the people and things that will not do any good to me. Thank you God for everything. In Jesus name, amen!

His Discernment

God, please give me a gift of discernment. To know things if I should keep on waiting for Anj. To know if she's the woman of my prayers. Help me to be patient and know your Godly signs if she's really the woman I've been praying for.

My prayer for the woman hopefully I'll marry and end up with: Faithful, loyal, good with money/budgeting, good/can cook, good communicator, can support me, patient with me, accept me for my flaws, respectful, God-fearing.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

Last Friday of the Month

I think it will be the last time I will ask you out. Tinatamad na ko magyaya. Lagi nalang nirereject. 😅

After August 20 nalang kita yayayain ulit. Or after September na? 😆
Di ko narin alam kung magpprogress pa kung ano meron satin. Kasi you always seem uninterested. Lagi ako nangangapa sa mood mo. 😅😆 Tuwing late night lang ikaw may time at nasa mood makipag usap sakin.
Kaya tama lang na hindi muna kita seryosohin. At tama lang na nilet go kita. At tama lang na usap usap lang ako ngayon sa mga tao.

Actually, wala naman problema sakin maging single ng another 5 years. Nagawa ko naman to dati. 😆

As long as maging okay na okay na ko at stable na financially, saka ko na iisipin ang love life. Kusa naman darating yan pag ready na talaga ko. And only God know. Kaya ngayon, friends friends lang muna.

Siguro babalik lang muna ko sa bahay namin. At least dun, pede ko makipag halubilo sa mga tao pag naghahanap ako ng kausap. And I don't have to wait for your replies. Haha.

Let Your will Thy be done God. Please let me find the woman of my prayers - good communicator, marunong sa pera, marunong magluto, loyal, faithful, will accept for who I am, will support me, mahilig sa pet. 😁 Amen!

For you Anj! 😐

Haay. Ba't ba ko naging pokmaru? 😆 I thought chasing people are already long gone? 😆 Need to wake up now from this madness! Haha.

Prayer

God,

This is so sad. It's already my opportunity to study Masters next year. But I think you have different plans for me oh God.

Not only I no longer be able to move into different house, I should carefully start monitoring my expenditures from now on so that the risk of paying the banks' CA won't be coming from my own pocket. 😞

Life. I should find other different source of income so that I can still support my parents' medical.

God, please direct me to new doors of opportunities. Please help me find it.

I life up everything unto you. Thank you Jesus and the Holy Spirit for always being there for me.

I love you. And I pray all these things in the mighty name of my lord Jesus Christ, amen!

Thank you for her

Dear God,

Please let me know the soonest if Anj is the right woman for me. As much as I would like her to be my woman, I'm still not sure how she really see me. She said she's still undecided. But she never told me the reason why. She only mentioned that it's giving her second thoughts and it confuses her. Should I continue pursuing a person who's not sure if she's already ready to be in a relationship? I don't want to waste each other's time that's why I want to make sure that she's the one for me.

In the end, thank you for letting me meet her. I was really hoping that she'll reciprocate my love in the near future.

Thank you Jesus and the Holy Spirit for always keeping her safe.

Amen!

Anj

We're not officially together that's why I don't have any rights to call her and ask where she's at already.

I should forget the idea of her being my future girlfriend/partner. I should concentrate on myself. She may be just one of the distractions.

Or am I too hasty?

Deadz

Pag walang commitment, ang bilis ko mabored. 😅

What is this game called?

Ange is playing with my heart. 😅
Or is the problem with me?

It's too early to fall in love. I just like her. Then it's not mandatory for her to like me back.
Should I be the one to pursue her?
Why am I expecting anything from her? Whether she likes me back or not, I should not be expecting anything in return.
I was the one who first showed the motive.
I should keep my low position in approaching her. Ask her permission for anything I will do.

Alright. No expectations. Just keep the low profile. Ask her permission about anything.
Never ask personal things/stuff. Know my limit as a friend.

Thanks for the reminder Rove!

HAHAHA

Sorry naman 😆

A fling and my prayers

Di ko deserve to.
Di ko deserve si Ange.
Di ko deserve ang taong pang free time lang ako.
Di ko deserve magmakaawa ng oras nya.
Di ko deserve ipagpilitan sarili ko sa taong pinagtatabuyan ako.

I don't deserve this kind of relationship.

God, if Ange is not the woman I am praying for, please take her away from my life. I don't want to invest my time and feelings to the person that's not right for me.

God, please introduce me to the woman that's destined for me. A woman I can settle down with. A woman who is a good cook, good with financials and money, with integrity, faithful and loyal, a good communicator, someone who will not force me to be someone I am not (e.g. introvert to extrovert), someone I can easily connect with and talk to for hours with meaningful and enjoyable conversations, Ms Independent, and most of all, God-fearing.

So help me God. Amen.

My prayers

God,

First of all, thank you for answering my prayers 3 years ago. I prayed for a partner who's loyal, faithful, good cook, may paninindigan, magaling sa pera, and wife material. You gave Carol to me.

But I missed something in my prayers. the most essential thing I didn't realize is very important not until recently - to be a good communicator - since I myself is not good enough also. 😅

I failed my last relationship because of poor communications. Problems were left unresolved. They piled up then one day, just exploded.

Now, I don't know if I am still qualified to ask for my destined partner or person.

God, please let me meet this time my destined partner or person. I can't afford any heartbreaks anymore. I'm praying for my future woman who is wife material, faithful, loyal, love me unconditionally, whom I'll love unconditionally, good communicator where we can talk and discuss even the most sensitive or serious topics about us, good cook, good with financials/money, pet lover, and very patient.

These may be a lot but I pray for this woman to be the one I'll settle down with until my last breath in this life.

Thank you God and I love you.

Casual conversation with Him

God,

Okay sana si Carol. In fact, I can live with her forever if it's just the two of us without any family members from both sides in our home. But if I have to lose myself just to please her family members and kiss their asses just like how she wants me to be, I can't. Kung pilitin nya ko or irequire nya ko hindi maging ako para lang masatisfy ang kagustuhan nyang makisama o halubilo (kahit maging plastic na) sa family members nya, hindi nalang. I am an introvert. I have my personal space. I have my moods if I want to socialize of not. Same goes kung pano di ko sya pilitin makihalubilo sa family ko. I respect her decisions and even not try to be a pushover.

Well, maliban sa external concern na to about family, wala naman issue kay Carol as herself. Oh! Probably yung anger management nya and not taking care of her health very well. Aside from these two, okay naman si Carol.

If only we had the time to heal individually bago kami nagkabalikan, hindi sana darating sa ganito na napagod nalang.

Let Your Will Thy be done. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

My prayers…

-Rove

Just some thoughts…

Bigla ko lang naalala. Well, it doesn't matter naman. Let's just treat this as lesson learned.

You mention na "hindi naman tayo ganito dati".

Dati andun tayo sa bahay namin. You were okay pero in reality hindi at ramdam ko yun. At sinabi ko sa sarili ko after my previous ex na never ko na ititira sa bahay ang partner ko dahil mahirap sa part nya at sa part ko - dalawang masters sinusunod ko (nanay ko at partner ko).

Nagbukod tayo sa Valenzuela. Okay naman tayo dun kahit naghirap tayo sa una.

It starts falling apart nung lumipat tayo dito with your sister. I thought mas okay kasama family mo kesa family ko. I thought okay lang makisama sa family mo. At requirement mo yan sakin. Pero parang same lang pala. You always side with your family than me. Hindi ko rin pede iblame ang family mo dahil alam ko magccause na naman ng away. Dahil alam ko na mas priority mo sila kesa sakin o satin. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang kasi kasalanan ko naman dahil ako naginvite sa kapatid mo. 😅

Narealize ko lang lahat ng to pagkalipas ng ilang buwan na sinabi ko kay Cha na kasama natin kapatid mo sa bahay. Kaya pala ganun nalang sya magreact. Maling mali talaga na may kasamang family member sa bahay lalo na pag may own family kana… 😅 Kasi pag may mali, di macoconfront ng partner mo ang family mo. Tapos lagi ka magsiside sa family mo kesa sa partner mo.

Yun lang. These are just one of the reasons why I got tired of our relationship. 😅

What’s wrong with me?

Why am I like this?
What's wrong with me?

It seems like my day is never complete without talking to her.
Where in fact it's obvious that she doesn't like me.

Why am I like this?
What's wrong with me?

I shouldn't have used my heart again.
It's all blunder and stupid choices.
Mind, please take over completely.
No more crushes, no more flings.
I don't wanna fall in love ever again.

Why am I like this?
What's wrong with me?

On June, it's gonna be a deal breaker.
If she shows up, there'a a chance we can continue our friendship.
If she doesn't, then it's the end of this foolishness I have. I gotta stop messing around and leave too.
Gotta concentrate on my goals and no more lovelife.

Life is meant to be enjoyed and not mourn.
Remember, losing one friend doesn't mean the end of me. There are still more than 7 billion people in the world. I will still be able to meet people with great personality. 😁

Probably God has different plans for both of you. Trust Him.

——

On the side, should I get a St Benedict medallion to give to her? I'll try to get one on Sunday. If ever she'll not show up on the agreed date, it might mean that the medallion is meant to be given to another person.

Relationships are complicated

Go with the flow nalang ako…
I dont wanna push anything anymore…

If I dont love Carol romantically anymore..
It doesn't matter.. I should tell her the soonest.

My new friend is only a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Just someone to hang out with. No strings attach.

Will there be a chance to love Carol romantically again? Maybe when she starts listening to me and starts taking care of herself. You will see it from outside if you are taking care of yourself inside.

There's nothing I can do to take care of someone if she herself doesn't care about her health.

All I know now is.. I just hang out with friends/colleagues. Then when at home, play games or watch Netflix.

I should start planning my solo travel to Japan next year. 😁 Well, I should also start planning and taking care of things as I embrace my singlehood in the future. I'll stay single until I find someone I like that will like me too. 😅 Or better yet, not to love anymore. Haha.

Relationships are complicated and very tiring. It's not my cup of tea.

Relationships are complicated

Go with the flow nalang ako…
I dont wanna push anything anymore…

If I dont love Carol romantically anymore..
It doesn't matter.. I should tell her the soonest.

My new friend is only a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Just someone to hang out with. No strings attach.

Will there be a chance to love Carol romantically again? Maybe when she starts listening to me and starts taking care of herself. You will see it from outside if you are taking care of yourself inside.

There's nothing I can do to take care of someone if she herself doesn't care about her health.

All I know now is.. I just hang out with friends/colleagues. Then when at home, play games or watch Netflix.

I should start planning my solo travel to Japan next year. 😁 Well, I should also start planning and taking care of things as I embrace my singlehood in the future. I'll stay single until I find someone I like that will like me too. 😅 Or better yet, not to love anymore. Haha.

Relationships are complicated and very tiring. It's not my cup of tea.

…

Sabi nga nila, "Be with someone who will bring out the best in you and not the worst in you." 😊

This applies to all kinds of relationships - friendship, parent-child, siblings, cousins, husband-wife, etc.

This is why we cut people off if it's not healthy nor benefiting to both parties anymore.

——

Let's take a rest for now, re-energize, have some "me" or alone time, have some life check, etc. Put oneself first. And pray.

FYI

I know we both have our own childhood trauma. Admit it that it's affecting our relationship with our special someone or family at some way or another.

I believe in therapy and I have access to psychologist or counselor whenever I want to.
Hope you also believe in mental health issues and therapy. It's okay to seek help, nothing wrong with it.

What my brain says…

You know what, if you want me to kiss your family's asses, go find someone else.
Why not go back to your exes, introduce them to your family? Baka sakali mas tumagal pa kayo sa 6 years kapag nalaman nila gaano kaperpekto pamilya mo at gaano kayo kaclose ng mga kapatid mo. 😏Or why not marry your family? Tutal you always put them first before your "own/new family". 😊

I don't kiss my family's asses. I even defy them. So don't expect me to please someone else's family.

Nagtitiis lang ako simula nagkabalikan tayo. Hindi mo ba napansin kung bakit tuwing magkakaroon tayo ng argument, di na kita pinapatulan? Kasi sinusubukan ko pigilan na maging halimaw kana naman na nagwawala, nagsisigaw na tila ikaw lang tao sa mundo, at binabato o sinisira lahat ng makita sa paligid. Kung wala kang hiya o pake, pwes ako ang nahihiya sa ginagawa mo. Hindi mo kaya makipagusap ng mahinahon. Gusto mo lagi na para kang King Kong na hindi nagiisip, magawa lang yung gusto mo gawin na pagsisigaw at pagwawala.

Tapos sasabihin mo na never ka nagkamali? Na lahat ng sinasabi at actions mo ay tama? Ang taas ng tingin mo masyado sa sarili mo. Masyado kang perpekto. Maghanap kana lang ng iba na kasing perpekto mo. 😏

Sinabi pa ng tatay ko na simula nakilala kita, nagiba na ugali ko. But I don't fucking care! Sinagot ko lang sya kung ano alam kong tama. Sila Rhea at Ate ko? Di nila gusto yung pagwawala mo kapag nagagalit ka. Pero I still defend you till now na "stressed ka lang at sumasabog lang. Na di mo lang alam ginagawa mo. Na di ka naman masamang tao". Nanay ko lang at si Venice natitira na okay na okay sayo. At ayaw kong masira maganda mong image nila sayo. Well, pake mo ba sa magulo kong pamilya, diba? 😏Di gaya sayo na sobrang perpekto na di mo magawa sagutin o patulan tatay mo, ibackstab nanay mo, etc. Di kami plastic gaya mo. At lalong di ko kaya makipagplastikan gaya ng ginagawa mo. Kaya siguro di rin ako sumama sa Marinduque. Bukod sa work concern, ayaw ko rin makipagplastikan gaya ng ginagawa mo sa side ng nanay mo. 🙂 At syempre, sa reason na either hindi ako "trophy jowa" or maiwasan na ipahiya mo gaya ng pagpapahiya mo sakin nun sa pamilya ng tatay mo. 😊 (Well di mo alam yan. Nevermind. It doesn't matter.)

Anyway, nawa'y makatagpo ka ng taong perpekto na babagay sayo. Yung hindi ka magwawala pag nagagalit, hindi ka historical, yung kaya halikan asses ng pamilya mo para sayo, at yung kaya mo kalimutan lahat ng nakaraan para sa present at future nyo.

At never forget, mabait ka naman. Kaya nga binalikan kita dahil yan sabi ng heart ko. Mabuti kang tao, sinto sinto lang minsan. Haha. Kaya for sure, makakahanap ka ng tao na can keep up with all your antics. 😊

P.S. Utak ko na nagsasalita dito. Tinago ko na puso ko. This time, di kona hahayaan puso ko magdecide dahil wala syang utak at lagi nya lang sinasaktan sarili nya.

P.P.S. These are all just my opinions and my thoughts. I know I'm not perfect and I know my flaws. You couldn't compromise for my behaviors and your reactions. I'm already tired compromising for your actions and reactions. And this is where conflict starts.

Move on

Sometimes I miss a hug.
But I don't want to be a martyr anymore. I know it's part of moving on to miss the person you loved. Your heart aches but you gotta be strong.

You don't need anyone. You'll be happy as single. You already did it once and I know you can do it again. You have your furbabies. They'll fill you with unconditional love.

God is love. But please God let me feel it again.

Hypocrite!

Eh di sana pinakilala mo mga ex mo sa pamilya mo. Eh di sana nalaman nya gaano kaperpekto pamilya mo at gaano kayo kaclose ng mga kapatid mo. Malay mo mas matagal pa sana kayo sa 6 years.

Hypocrite! Plastic! Wag ako Carol.

You're the worst!

Get out of my life!

I hate you C!

I shouldn't have given you another chance. I shouldn't have given us another chance. You're still the same. You're the worst person!

I hate you! I despise you!

No more lovelife. The end.

I can celebrate my birthday alone. 😁 In fact, I'm not alone. I'll be with my God.

God, please don't let me fall in love ever again to a human being. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship anymore.

Travel Bucketlist

Please I would like to solo travel
1. New Zealand
2. Iceland
3. Greenland
4. Switzerland
5. Lapland

In my 30s, I need to hassle. Get passive income. Earn atleast 500k/month. Then before 40s, I'll retire. I'll start traveling the world.

So help me God…

Speck of light

Don't know what's happening to me.
I feel like I lost the will to live or I lost my soul somewhere.

Why it feels like life wanted to hurt me every year?

Trauma from my mom's stroke last Dec 2022. My eldest furbaby died last Dec 2023. My eldest sister (not biological) died last Apr 15, 2024.

It seems like life despises me that much. 😞
Why strive to be wealthy if my loved ones will leave me anyway?

——

The home that I might be trying to find for so many years might be really the heaven. When we die, become a speck of light, other souls and angels will welcome us "welcome back home". The joy and freedom will surely be amazing. I want to feel the same too. Free from sufferings and predicaments here on Earth. Why do we exist?

Reason why I couldn’t trust you fully yet 😏

Ayaw ko nalang mag talk. Lalo na kapag perpekto ang kausap mong tao. 😆

🤔

How about date an older woman? I've been with the same age, 5 years younger, and a year younger. How about try older than me? 🤔
But one thing for sure, no born between end of Oct to first weeks of Nov. 😆

If I don't have anything to do, chat will do. It won't end up meeting in person anyway. 😆

I'll just join Joiner Tours and meet new friends. I will feed myself with good vibes, that's all.

Rest in Peace

Peace of mind, why are you so difficult to achieve? How about rest in peace, is it easier?

Why everyday, you're making me feel it's getting harder and harder dealing with all these shits? Work, family-related matters, and romantic relationship.

I used to dream of having to meet a person or a place whom/where I could call "home". Home is where you'll feel free, away from judging eyes, away from criticism, away from energy vampires, away from stress. Home is where I'll feel re-energize and just be who I really am.

Is this going to be just a fantasy? I guess it is since I love Anime and Fantasy games so much that they're living in a world I dream to be living in.

If peace of mind is an impossible dream, rest in peace might work. 😉

Peace of mind my only desire

Yung wala naman talaga ko problem sa life maliban sa credit card bills monthly, makukulit kong alaga, at Shopee.

Pero dahil sabi ni God, "wala ka problema ah. At hobby mo magresolve ng problems ng iba, pwes ibibigay ko sayo problema ng ibang tao at isolve mo."😒

Salamat God ah. 😅 Ganyan nyo ko kamahal, gusto nyo everyday madrain braincells ko. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Cortisol levels ko tumataas dahil sa stress sa ibang tao na wala naman talaga ko control over them. Need ko lang talaga irewire the way I think and the way I receive their everyday garbage, not to absorb but ignore them.

God, peace of mind, the only desire of my heart. Peace of mind for my family and loved ones.

May I and my loved ones be granted with the complete peace of mind. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen!

I lift everything back to you oh God

Lord, what happened?

For an instant, the demon took over our mind and body. Maybe this what happens when God is not the center of your relationship.

I've been abused verbally and physically. Well, she was at some way. Everybody knows that it's not healthy anymore to be together.

God, babalik na naman ba ako sa umpisa? 😅 Wala na ko nakeep na relationship. It was tiring, taking care of myself, my furbabies, then someone else. Haha. Maybe it's not for me. I'd rather be single? What you think? I have to improve myself first.

This is the first step. I'll do solo travels, starts with Taiwan. Haha! Goodluck to me. But it would be revitalizing. (Forgot the right term)

I got to sleep. I have a medical early tomorrow morning.

Please keep Carol safe oh God. Kahit na nag-away kami at wala na kami, minahal ko naman sya. Please be with her and keep her away from any harm. Amen!

No more chasing pavements 😆

If previously, I get excited to go somewhere with my partner… Now, I don't care at all.

If previously, I'll chase my partner wherever she'll run to… Now, I don't care at all.

If previously, I get concern whatever she'll do… Now, I don't care at all.

I am putting back my wall.
Self-love. Self-respect.
If I've never use Pride, then I'll use it now.
Had to remind myself to never chase people again. I learnt the hard way.
No explanations needed.

To Carol

Hi,

I'm shocked that we made this far, 3 years.
I don't know what happened but we both know our relationship is going down hill. My one mistake, you never have forgiven it as if we're married couple. You don't see me as a partner anymore since then but an enemy.

Now, I've realized, I'm done doing everything I could. I remember myself saying, "I don't wanna be the old Rove anymore, chasing the people who don't even like me around in the first place. I'm better off alone." No more pleasing anyone. Done compromising, done lowering myself down. I tried putting down my walls for you and letting you see my vulnerabilities. It turned out, you didn't like my bad side or vulnerable side at all. I should have not put my guards down. If I will, 25% or just for you to see me speak will be enough.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for making me realize that I cannot love a person anymore just like what I did in the past. They'll just hurt me.

Relationship, if ever finds me again, will be just my playground and past time. No more getting serious or anything. Back to enjoying myself.

——

God, I know this is not like you. But please help me put my guards up again. And whatever happens, cannot be break by anyone. Thank you and I love you. And most of all, I'm sorry.

Heck of a life

Papagod na ko… paulit ulit nalang..

Masaya, malungkot, madrama, failure, etc.
Nakakaubos lang ng energy..boring pa.

Ayaw ko na magcontinue sa life. Wala naman sense.

Pag nag suicide ako, lahat ng insurance ko ay maiinvalidate. Kahit yung mga MIR ng loans nakapagalan sakin, invalidate rin. And my family has to pay for them. Hmmm.. for the sufferings I felt from the world, I think it's justified to give it back to the world.