Like a nightmare. I only need to pray.

You know the feeling of there are lots of things you wanna do for her.

Like you wanna surprise her with things that only a gf/bf, fiance, or partners can do. But when I was about to conclude my plans, something is stopping me and preventing me from thinking/planning further.

The memories of her and the guy she cheated on me. I can still imagine how they had sex multiple times with me not knowing anything at all. (The idea of her and me making love is *vomit* now.) The times I was crazily in love with her that I was chasing her badly while me having no idea at all, that the reason I was already pushed away was because she already had a new guy. The times I was so dumb that I believed that she has a pure heart and that she didn't mean to hurt me, but then she was already cheating and lying to me for two years. 

Tears are falling right from my eyes when I can vividly remember all these things. There were "I should have" statements after realizing all these things.

I should have left her from the first time she pushed me away for someone else.

I should have stopped following her or visiting her in her office.

I should have moved on during that time.

I should have known what she was doing to me so that I have left earlier.

I should have.. I should have..

I'm struggling to forget everything 100%. I need two years of her being in probation period. And I need two years of consistent words-actions from her for me to see if she has really changed.

This is really difficult for me. I cannot give my 100% to her. I couldn't and I don't want. It's easier to love a new person. You can accept her new and fresh, that you won't think about her past anymore because you weren't there in the first place. That the most important thing is she's loyal and faithful to you during your relationship.

Me? I'm in a difficult situation where I need time and see proofs. I told, "I believe, people can change, no matter how unfaithful there were." But it's easy to say than done. Though how much I love here, I couldn't still give my all. Maybe I am now afraid. I had give my all to her but she broke me multiple times and in the most unsatisfying way. That's why I am afraid for myself - trusting myself to her again. Now that I love myself more than anyone else here on earth. 

For now, I couldn't still imagine her as my future wife and a mother of my future children. Yes, I love her now. The love that you could only give to your family and bestfriend that no matter how they hurt you, you still have concern upon them. But the love that I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with - no, not yet. It's just 1 month now, there are still 23 months to go...

Anyhow, I just have to move and do my best... my God will do the rest. If He thinks I'm not on the right path anymore, He'll steer my life back on track again, even it means leaving the people I love.

Let Your will thy be done. I commit my mind, my heart, and my body to you. Let the Holy Spirit keep me away from all the evil spirits around me and keep me safe always. Let Jesus Christ be my shepherd that'll direct my life.

Amen! 

Cheers, Leikeze Van Helsing Grand M0nde Earth, Solar System

Breathe in, breathe out

1. This is the nth time na pinapalayas nya ko. Ba’t di ko nalang kaya gawin?

2. “Hindi mag aadjust”. Bakit kapa pumasok sa relationship kung ayaw mo pala mag-compromise. So the other person lang dapat lagi mag-aadjust or compromise? 

Tssss.. very immature. 

Better to teach this kid a lesson. It may not me, but I know someone will.

———

Para akong may alagang bata. 😒

God, hiling ko lang naman ay woman who is mature enough, not a girl who doesn't even realize what she's saying and doing.

Why you are always testing my patience... 😔 You know I don't have much patience with immature acts. I tend to get quiet but I cannot easily shrug it off not until the person finally realizes his/her misdemeanor. Well, I only do it to the people I have concerned with.

——
Alright Rove. Since you know that you are more mature, stop saying more things. Conflict will only get bigger. Just think that you are more mature and you show gentleman-ship to those that are not.

Breath in, breathe out.

Never settle for less

This scene looks familiar.. Haha! I just wanna laugh now.

Remember the previous years I was asking the same question? Same answers and defensive behavior.. "Wala nga." "Pagod na ko magexplain sayo." Etc

What happened after then? After few weeks/months, may nangyari na sa kanila - not once, not twice, but MULTIPLE TIMES! Para intense, they had casual sex ng paulit ulit. And what it made me? A fool! For 2 years+. 😒

Anyway, I've already left since Mar 2019. I'm better off single than to be in a relationship with cheaters and liars.

I still don't even know bakit sinagot ko sya nung Jan 05. 😒 spurt of the moment. Anyway, kahit ganon, I cannot still imagine myself getting married with チャ. Parang I so love myself just to put myself into hell.

We all deserve a loyal, faithful, consistent, and mature partner. And so do I. There are still many good fishes in the sea. And I'm letting my God steer the direction of my life and my future. I will not settle to less than what God has planned for me. When He tells me "that person over there is the one I am preparing for you", then I'll wait. When He tells me, "go and meet her", then I will go. Till then, I will always make myself available while developing myself and preparing myself for financial freedom.

So help me God. Amen!

——

My future wife, just chill and relax. We'll meet someday. When we'll do, I already have the ring prepared. ☺️ And I will already have the house for us. 😉

——

To チャ,
I believe you have changed into a faithful and stick-to-one person. But you still have quite a long way to be mature. And I know, someday, makikita mo rin yung katapat mo. 😊 Always strive to be a better person each day. You'll always be my good friend and a family. 😁

When in doubt, pray.