Confused mind and heart

Why am I feeling this way?

It started yesterday. My chest now feels so heavy. So many negative thoughts circling around my mind. Felt like I was about to faint awhile ago.

Is it because I was not able to take my med for 3 nights already?
Is it because I'm always eating my dinner very late or not at all?
Is it because something's up with my current environment?

I know I am a negative absorber. Means, I easily absorb negative aura around me - people's complaints in real life and in social media. I usually ignore it and just laugh at it but my subconscious mind digests and processes it without my knowledge. In return, I will explode at one time.

God, am I crazy? It felt like I wanted to check-in myself to monastery and meditate with the monks. 😣

Help me God.

I just wanna jump and laugh at these things. I don't wanna worry about life nor the people around me. Bahala sila on what they wanted to do with their life. I'm done and already fed up with my role of being "a leader", "an eldest", etc. I don't wanna please anyone anymore. Whatever the people around me do with their life: work hard, play hard, or get lost, I should not care anymore! I'm not a god nor a messiah to shoulder everyone's burden and help them solve their own problems or help them change to be a better person.

What if I suddenly die, will they be able to stand up on their own? Will they be able to change theirselves to be a better person - a Godly person? They should.

My mind is about to explode. 😵

God, is it my calling? To be a human shepherd? Only Christ can be a shepherd. Even I, get lost at times. People around me should seek Christ's guidance too - whenever they are lost or not.

God, I commit to you my confused mind and heart. Let Your will Thy be done. Amen! 🙏